I’m a 36-year-old reader, a recent subscriber to your column, and a gay man from Europe. I had a late coming out a few years ago, due to some financial and social constraints. I lived with my family well into my twenties, and then later with flatmates, and as a consequence I have never had a proper relationship — or even sexual intercourse — with a man. I have had strong Dom/sub fantasies, always with me as the Dom, mainly featuring role-play and power-exchange situations with restraints and collars and chains. Ideally, I would like to have a sub — for a weekend at first, and then perhaps a relationship with Dom/sub dynamics. I have only tried it briefly with a friend a while ago, and just two times, but my being a complete beginner ruined the encounter for him, as the cuffs broke, and we had only a bit of oral.
I have posted a...
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... but my being a complete beginner ruined the encounter for him, as the cuffs broke, and we had only a bit of oral.
I have posted a personal ad up on Recon and bought some materials (better cuffs, an orange jumpsuit). I have engaged in conversations with a couple of guys that are interested in meeting me. Both are slightly older, hunky, and successful guys who have never been subs before. One is a 43-year-old man who has been only active and wants to switch for the first time. This man could also be up for something long-term. The other is a straight guy who has been with dominant Mistresses and is looking to submit to a male for the first time. Complicating matters: I’m still very much a “twink.” I’ve built some muscles since taking up swimming, but I look no older than 28, and I have some insecurities about engaging with guys who are older and hunkier than I am, given the way I look and my lack of experience.
How can I prepare to be a Dom? I once read about incorporating insecurities in the encounter, but I guess I still need tips, or I risk ruining everything. Please sign me…
“The coolest things about power exchange fantasies and relationships are that they’re based on nothing but mental satisfaction,” said Spot. “It’s the feeling and idea of power and control — a lot or a little, or none at all — that is the primary engine, not your age, volume of muscles, or even gender. There is no rule book that says what a Dominant or submissive should look or act like.”
A Swedish BDSM practitioner and educator, Spot regularly hosts BDSM nights in SLM Stockholm. But fifteen years ago, MA, Spot was where you are now: anxious to explore his BDSM fantasies but without much actual experience. At first Spot sought out guys who were “on the same level,” experience-wise, and explored simple D/s scenarios and play with them before meeting the man who would become his first Master.
“W/we built O/our universe together all from scratch, just as W/we organically felt worked the best for U/us,” said Spot. “But there are lots of ways of getting practical experience. MA can either find someone with similar ideas and levels of experience and experiment together or reach out to someone with more experience and learn from them. Note that the latter can also be a submissive partner. Respectful ‘topping from the bottom’ can be a great tool for skill-sharing.”
Spot started out as a curious switch before exploring consensual slavery. When his relationship with his first Master ended, Spot gradually gravitated toward the dominant role; today, Spot has two (consenting!) slaves and one human dog and is head of his household. But whichever approach you decide to take — seeking out inexperienced partners or experienced ones, getting started as a sub before moving into the dominant role — don’t try to pass yourself off as more knowledgeable or experienced than you actually are.
“Being honest about what he’s looking for and what level of experience he has will help set the bar right for his first play dates,” said Spot. “Find common interests and negotiate time frames, main activities, limits, safe words/signals, and what kind of headspace or feeling he wishes to reach. This is really one of the most important aspects of a negotiation because how we feel about what we do to one another is equally important, if not more important, than the acts themselves.”
You’re no doubt impatient to act on some of your more elaborate fantasies, MA, but you will want to keep things simple at the start. Double-black-diamond kinks — like holding someone prisoner for an entire weekend — require the kind of instruction you can only get from a knowledgeable and experienced educator and/or after years of actual play with trusted partners. (Watching kink porn ≠ getting a kink education; watching kink porn ≠ kink play with trusted partners.)
“No one is an expert the first time they try something,” said Spot. “Not even the second or third time — and cuffs sometimes break. Anything from small mistakes to complete fuck ups can and will happen no matter how long you’ve been doing this. Remember, it’s how you deal with small mistakes or fuck ups that shows your confidence and experience.”
Now for some practical tips…
You’ve been chatting with two older, hunkier guys who would like to submit to you — but you’re feeling self-conscious and insecure. After you’ve told them you’re less experienced, which will instantly make you less self-conscious about being inexperienced, and after you’ve discussed how long the scene will be and what you both like to do, how do you actually get started?
“A submissive always wants to feel smaller than you,” said Spot. “Kneeling is the most powerful position I use, because where the body goes, the mind follows. Even if this person kneeling in front of me could overpower me physically, they don’t. Which proves that the mind actually creates the strongest bondage. So, MA should establish a basic D/s dynamic as soon as possible — using some basic position training — and voila, half his job is done. Also keep in mind that having a good time is a shared responsibility. Expecting the Dominant to come up with the entire scenario, run the show, and read minds is a classic misconception.”
Another misconception: Doms can’t be skinnier, younger, and less experienced than their subs.
“Fuck the mainstream idea of what a power exchange dynamic ‘should’ look like,” said Spot. “Being younger, physically smaller, and perhaps not as strong as his submissive partner yet still be the one in charge, holding the keys, and calling the shots — all of that certainly triggers my Domspace.”
Spot suggests you read as much as you can and seek out workshops in person and online and get involved in your local BDSM and fetish community. He recommended two books to get you started: The Ritual of Dominance and Submission by David English and The Leather and BDSM Handbook by Vincent L Andrews.
“Last but not least: welcome to the dark side, MA,” said Spot, “where the forbidden fruit is consensual and the grass is always greener! And the grass isn’t actually greener, well, then someone has been bad and deserves to be punished.”
You can follow Spot, aka “The Wicked Switch of the North,” on Instagram @house_of_spot. Information about social events and educational programs at SLM Stockholm can be found at their website.
It’s Locktober and I’ve been keeping a man locked up! I got him a t-shirt that has a chastity lock on it and reads, “Life Is Hard. I Shouldn’t Be.” I want to support his kink, you know? I saw another shirt by the same designer with a kind of a “Superman of Chastity” design. I’m going to get that one for him, too! He’s that sweet! Shined the light of his kindness and service upon me in a moment of great need. I was recovering from shoulder surgery and he took care of my libido. I don’t mind having tender feelings for him. I can handle that. But what I can’t figure out is this: What do I call him? He calls me “Boss,” which is great because I am a top outside of my primary relationship and I like how “Boss” sounds. But what’s the counterpart? Daddy, son. Sir, boy. Master, slave. Boss… what? I tried calling him “Buddy” but that sounded so dumb. So what is the sub called when the Dom is called Boss? Does it even matter? He wants me to call the shots. But I am at a creative loss for this one.
Newly Promoted Boss
It does not matter.
I mean, it matters to you — and it should — and it may matter to him. But it’s not like the dirty talk police are gonna kick down your door if you use the “wrong” sub counterpart to the Dom honorific “Boss.”
But let’s think this through…
You’re not this man’s actual boss, NPB, and unless this wonderful guy has a fetish for office politics — which no one does — he doesn’t mean “Boss” in any literal sense. He’s invoking a generalized authority figure, someone with power over him, which you currently possess because he’s granted you that power. So, you’re not the literal boss of him, NPB, you’re merely the boss of his dick for as long as he’d like you to be. And seeing as boys, sons, slaves, and subs also get bossed around, any of those terms could serve as counterparts.
If you wanted to call him something related to “boss” in the workplace sense — and I don’t know why you would wanna do that but I’m happy to play along — you could go with “new hire,” intern,” “trainee,” “Employee of the Month,” etc. But terms for actual subordinates in our actual workplaces aren’t very sexy… and that’s probably for the best… which brings us back to the usual subpects: boy, son, slave.
You could also ask him what he prefers. (You said you like the sound of “Boss.” So, what does he like the sound of?) But if he wants you calling the shots, he might prefer hearing (read: get harder hearing) a term you picked for him. Which means whatever term you ultimately pick, NPB, you can’t possibly go wrong.
P.S. Recovering from shoulder surgery here myself here — it’s a long and painful slog. And if this boy really helped you get through it, I don’t think Locktober (which is almost over!) is reward enough. So, to show your gratitude, you should keep his cock caged through until after “No Nut November” and “Don’t Touch Your Member December.”
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