America’s longest-running sex-advice column!


Joe Newton

1. What’s with all the caging in gay porn?

The appeal of male chastity devices seems obvious: a cock cage instantly turns the most important thing about a male porn performer into the least important thing. Paradoxically, male chastity devices pull visual focus toward a performer’s dick — they draw the eye — while shifting the focus of the action away from his dick. And while lots of gay guys get off on saying, “I’m just a hole, Sir!”, gay guys in male chastity devices really commit to the bit. Also, high quality male chastity devices — like the ones made by the evil geniuses at Steelwerks — aren’t cheap, so consumer culture, status display, and late-stage capitalism all factor in.

2. I’ve been having more sex ever since opening up my relationship. I had an experience with one of my hookups where I wasn’t able to stay hard and ever since then it keeps on...

Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!

...ever since opening up my relationship. I had an experience with one of my hookups where I wasn’t able to stay hard and ever since then it keeps on happening. I feel like now I get so in my head worrying about if I’m hard or if I’m going to get hard that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do you have any advice in how to get out of my head and stop worrying about being hard? Taking ED meds — temporarily — can help boost your confidence and get you out of your head. 3. I am a sex-repulsed asexual. I would like to have a committed romantic relationship that does not involve sex. Committing to me means forgoing sex entirely, as the idea of my partner being sexual with others is equally repulsive to me. Am I obligated to disclose my asexuality? When I disclose these facts in advance, I am refused dates. When I wait until I have been dating someone for some months, I face angry accusations of deceit. If I asked a straight woman out on a date and spent months wining and dining her, that woman would assume I was interested in her romantically and sexually. And when she found out I was gay and not interested in her that way — when she learned I had leveraged the perfectly reasonable assumption she made based on my actions (he asked me out, he’s into women) to get some other thing I wanted from her (her Netflix password?) — she would have every right to angrily level accusations of deceit. Because I deceived her. Just as the overwhelming majority of men who date women are straight, the overwhelming majority of people seeking romantic partners are allosexual. By failing to disclose your acute asexuality in advance (lifelong celibacy is a big ask), you’re leveraging the perfectly reasonable assumptions others are likely to make based on your actions to get what you want. And not only shouldn’t you deceive someone like that, I don’t understand why you need to. The Internet exists and sex-repulsed asexuals can find other sex-repulsed asexuals online. If getting on dating apps for asexuals doesn’t appeal to you, get on BlueSky or Threads and look for people complaining about sex scenes in movies and ask one of them out. 4. Is it safe to put numbing cream on your partner’s dick as part of D/s pleasure denial? Numbing creams are safe to use on dicks — as are more torturous creams, like Ice Hot or BENGAY — but they’re not safe to use on holes, as a numb hole is an easily injured hole. So, if you put numbing cream on your sub’s dick, be sure to carefully roll a condom over it before you slide that zombie cock into your ass or pussy. 5. I love getting facials — the cum kind — but my partner won’t come on my face. How to convince them? You can only impress upon him that facials are something you enjoy — maybe he’ll come around, maybe he won’t. If he thinks facials are degrading and doesn’t wanna degrade you, you could explain to him that desired degradation play is not degrading; it’s affirming. If he’s worried you’ll wanna kiss him with his load all over your face, you can promise to go wash up immediately after. If it’s just not something he enjoys for reasons he can’t articulate, you’ll have to take no for an answer. 6. Does the booty remember how to take certain sizes of dick? Is there muscle memory? If you’ve taken larger dicks and your bigdicked partners provided you with lots of anal foreplay, used lots of lube, took it slow, etc., you and your booty will be less anxious, less fearful, and more relaxed when that big dick comes at you again. It’s less about muscle memory and more associating anal stimulation/penetration with pleasure. It’s the good times the booty remembers, not certain sizes. 7. What’s the best way to dispose of old sex toys? I feel bad putting something with batteries in the trash. Fast Company recently wrote up the movement to keep trash out of landfills by tasking manufacturers, not consumers, with the safe disposal of consumer goods: “Swedish academic Thomas Lindhqvist framed this idea in 1990 as a strategy to decrease products environmental impacts by making manufacturers responsible for the goods’ entire life cycles — especially for takeback, recycling, and final disposal.” If we can make manufacturers responsible for disposing of computers, phones, and video game consoles, I don’t see why we couldn’t make manufacturers responsible for the safe disposal of remote-controlled vibrating butt plugs — but since these systems aren’t up and running yet, you’ll have to put those old sex toys in a box and shove them in the back of your closet for the time being. 8. Autistic here. What are the “general rules” for texting? I forget people exist after two days with no response. An autistic acquaintance of mine set a twice weekly “text alarm” on his phone. When it goes off, he scrolls through his recent messages. He responds to people he didn’t get back to when they texted him, and politely checks in with people haven’t responded to his texts. Maybe that would work for you? 9. Is low T common or am I just getting constant ads for it because I’m forty and gay? It’s relatively common — but no one ever went broke playing on the insecurities of gay men in their forties and fifties. The benefits are real (improved sexual function, retention of muscle mass, improved mood) but there are risks (moobs, clots, cancer), so best to talk to your doctor before getting on testosterone supplements. 10. Tips for moving in together besides lots of communication and giving each other enough space? Equal division of household labor does not mean equal division of each and every task. So, if one of you doesn’t mind washing the dishes and is, in fact, totally excellent at it (like me), that person should wash the dishes. If one of you is the kind of controlling OCD freak who gets off on meticulously folding laundry for hours at a time, that person should do the laundry (like my husband). Also, get my book Savage Love From A to Z and read the chapter on the “Price of Admission” aloud to each other in bed. 11. Can fecal matter from anilingus sicken you with something other than STIs? Yes, it can — but eating clean ass may be less dangerous than eating at a buffet or navigating your way around a cruise ship, IMO, because monsters who don’t wash their hands are known to leave trace amounts of fecal matter all over salad tongs and banister railings. 12. Woman, age 38, in a loving, long-term relationship. What’s your best tip for getting out of the inevitable sexual rut? At the start of a relationship, you’re the adventure they’re on, they’re the adventure you’re on — it’s a combo that makes for effortlessly adventurous sex. If you want to get that adventurous feeling back after five or ten years, you have to make a conscious and intentional effort to go on adventures together, e.g., visit sex clubs, have sex somewhere you might get caught (like Room 216), book a joint session with an erotic body worker, etc. (Read the Boredom chapter in Savage Love From A to Z!) 13. Can I still be a lesbian even if I don’t like receiving oral sex? I like giving and other activities. I will allow it. P.S. There are gay men who don’t like anal (they call themselves “sides”) and straight men who prefer eating pussy to fucking pussy (they don’t have a catchy name, so I’m going to call them “glides”). Masc lesbians who give oral sex but don’t receive were once known as “stone butch” dykes, so lesbians like you — assuming you’re butch — have a catchy name and a storied history. Your pillow princess is out there! 14. I came out while in a manic episode. Am I still queer? If you came out as intersex and you’re actually intersex, you’re still queer. If you came out as gay or lesbian but you’re no longer attracted to members of your own sex post-mania, you’re not queer. If you came out as bi and you’re still attracted to both and/or all sexes and/or both and/or all genders post-mania, you’re queer. If you came out as sapiosexual or fictosexual or objectumsexual or pomosexual, you were never queer — just annoying. 15. Love lube for foreplay but it ruins oral after using because of the taste. Recommendations? Keep a warm, wet washcloth within easy reach. 16. How can I do, as a straight person, to express allyship to the LGBT community without looking like virtue-signaling douche bag? It’s less about what you can do and more about what you can stop doing. Stop discriminating against queer people, stop voting for people who attack queer people, stop giving straight friends and family a pass when they say shitty things about queer people or vote for shitty anti-LGBT people. Keeping your foot on someone’s neck requires a lot of effort. Stop making that effort. 17. Should poly people date people who aren’t poly? And if we do, aren’t we just setting everyone involved up for a lot of heartache? Most people want monogamy and most relationships are monogamous and most breakups involve monogamous people — which means most heartache is created and experienced by monogamous people. So, if the goal is reducing the total amount heartache in the world, we need to convince monogamous people to stop dating each other. P.S. Here’s another perfectly reasonable assumption people are inclined to make: “Hey, this person just asked me out — that must mean they’re single and available and most likely looking for a monogamous relationship!” While a poly person may be available, they’re probably not be single and they’re definitely not seeking a monogamous relationship — and that’s something a poly person is obligated to disclose. 18. Should I leave my life as a country doc and move to Europe to improve my dating odds? Have you looked at the polls?!? Go get that EU passport, girl! 19. Where are these weird trends coming from in gay porn? Miss Mazeppa said it best: “You gotta have a gimmick if you wanna get ahead.” 20. I know from unicorns, but my girlfriend and I can’t find a bi guy who is into both of us. What gives? I shared your question a good friend — a woman in an open relationship with a bisexual guy who’s had considerable success landing bi guys (the stories I’ve heard) — and she was happy to share a few pointers… “His girlfriend should create a profile on a kinky dating site with lots of excellent photos and a very specific, sexy, and playful description of what she’s into,” said my friend. “I say in my ads that I’m partnered and looking for hotwife/stag-vixen dynamics, which generates responses from men who are at the very least comfortable with another man being present. Sometimes these guys express bisexual interests, sometimes they don’t. But finding a double match — finding a guy who’s into both of them — is going to be harder, especially if there’s a mismatch in age and (just going to be blunt here) relative attractiveness. Ultimately, it’s a numbers game that can feel like a full-time job. But there are lots of bi guys out there and they shouldn’t give up!” 21. My husband has a huge cock and wants anal. I’m afraid of taking that giant dick in my ass. Help? Buy two sets of insertion toys ranging in size from much smaller than your husband’s dick to ever-so-slightly bigger than your husband’s dick. Using lots of lube, work your way up from the smallest toy to the largest toy — over a period of months, not hours. Have lots of orgasms along the way to create a strong association between anal penetration and sexual pleasure and then, when you’re dying for it, move on to dick. Oh, and you’re going to want two sets of toys so you and your husband can go on this journey together. Whatever goes for/in your ass goes for/in his. 22. Favorite blowjob techniques? Specifics, please! Spare no tip or no trick! There’s no way I can list every tip and trick in this space — entire books have been written about blowjob techniques — but I can share a few quick pointers for cocksuckers: use lots of spit, use your hands (the best blowjobs are 50% handjobs), reach up and play with his nips, grip and gently tug on his balls, and sustain erotic tension during short breaks with eye contact and dirty talk while you pump that dick with your fist. For the cocksuckees out there: FFS, don’t just lay/stand there! There’s nothing in your mouth, which means you’re free to use your words. Find out what kind of feedback your cocksucker enjoys — encouraging dirty talk, degrading dirty talk, some combo of the two — and let them have it! 23. Favorite Instagram hottie you’re following at the moment? Sigh. Got a problem? Everyone does! Submit a written question for “Savage Love” now! Or record your question for the next Lovecast here! Follow Dan on Instagram and Threads @DanSavage. Follow Dan on BlueSky @DanSavage. Discounted “early bird” tickets for HUMP! 2024 are on sale now! The best little porn short film festival in the world premieres in Seattle on February 8th before heading to San Francisco, Portland, and cities across North America and Europe! Get your tickets now and save!  

Comments on Quickies