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Joe Newton

1. I’m a single cis gay man and I’ve been going back and forth between wanting an open relationship or a throuple/quad when I start dating again. Do you have any advice or recommendations for finding out more about gay throuple/quad relationship structures? I’ve talked about open relationships and relationship anarchy with my peers and therapist, but no one seems to know a lot about throuples/quads.

There’s not a lot of research into gay throuples and quads — there isn’t that much research into gay couples — but most of the successful gay throuples and quads I’ve observed started out as couples. So, instead of seeking a throuple or a quad, your best bet may be fucking with single men who want an open relationships and fucking with couples — as a single person or once you’re in an open couple— who are open to regular thirds and/or...

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...son or once you’re in an open couple— who are open to regular thirds and/or fourths. 2. Why is it hard to get a relationship partner to confirm you’re in a relationship or define the relationship? Your partner most likely believes they benefit from your relationship remaining undefined — they feel freed from “relationship-official” obligations — and they sense you aren’t willing to call their bluff. Meaning, they sense you aren’t willing to break up with them if they refuse to define the relationship and embrace the obligations that come with being in a relationship as opposed to a FWB arrangement or a situationship. Basically, you can’t call the question if you aren’t willing to call it off. 3. My lover is in town for business, but he has an impossible work schedule. The only way I can see him is if I crash one of his work events. I’m tempted, but it probably means I’d just see him for a moment, say hi, and have to leave. How important is it for us to have in-person time? If we haven’t seen each other in months, shouldn’t I make the effort, even if it’s just for a moment together? Being in the same room with your lover and having to play it cool and not being able to touch them sounds like torture…  while also sounding incredibly hot. So, if you’re sure your lover wants to see you under those circumstances and isn’t just telling you what you wanna hear — if seeing you and not being able to touch you would drive you both wild in a good way and make your next actual meeting even hotter — go see him. 4. Do I play with cut [eggplant emoji] and uncut [eggplant emoji]  the same way or do I treat them differently? Uncut [eggplant emoji] essentially comes with their own built-in masturbation sleeve — you can roll the foreskin up and down the shaft and over the head. You can’t do that with most cut [eggplant emoji], as there’s not a lot of loose skin to work with/manipulate/roll up and over on most circumcised men. So, uncut [eggplant emoji] typically don’t need lube while cut [eggplant emoji] typically do. But cut or uncut [eggplant emoji], don’t make assumptions. Ask directions. 5. I met a gay couple in my building. One half of the couple — the not-that-hot half — told me they “only play together” while the other half of the couple — the hotter-than-fuck half — told me hooking up one-on-one was possible so long as his husband never found out. What should I do? Move. P.S. Look, some marriages need to end. So, if the worst happens and Not That Hot catches you with Hotter Than Fuck, you could put a highly dysfunctional marriage out of its misery. Some marriages, on the other hand, thrive on chaos and drama — [shrug emoji] — and you could bring these two closer together than ever. But if they are chaos and drama types, they’ll both blame you for creating the chaos and drama. Something to take into account before deciding on your move. 6. My husband and I — an opposite-sex married couple — are talking about embracing a more monogamish lifestyle. We’ve written each other letters about what we are open to, what our limits are, and we feel good about where we’ve landed, which is out-of-town play for now. Do you have any suggestions on how we can gently start? A slower pace would work for us. Any advice would be lovely. Find an out-of-town sex club, become members, and stick to soft swap for now — meaning, only oral sex and non-penetrative sex play with others until you’re both ready to have PIV with other people. If it feels right and you’ve discussed it and agreed, you can move on to full swap. But if PIV (or PIA) with other singles or couples never feels right, there’s no reason why you can’t stick to soft swap. 7. Familial loves feels icky. Romantic love does not. Newest RAD AF girlfriend occasionally gives me feelings of ick. Why? It’s too soon for this romantic relationship to have succumbed to the kind of siblingification that can de-eroticize a long-term relationship — you haven’t lived with each other long enough (you presumably haven’t lived with your new girlfriend at all) — which has me wondering if your dad might’ve been a sperm donor back in the day. Just a thought. 8. Perving to an OnlyFans account that’s the spitting image of my sister-in-law. Okay to do that if I tell no one? I will allow it. 9. Why does everyone treat HSV2 like it’s worse than HIV? Because most people aren’t that bright, first and foremost, and HSV2 — sometimes referred to as genital herpes (which isn’t entirely accurate) — creates physical discomfort, can be seen, and takes a person out of action until the sores heals. HIV, assuming someone has access to treatment (not a small assumption), is impossible to pass on, invisible to the eye, and doesn’t take someone out of the action. So, some people may legitimately experience HSV2 as worse — again, if they have access to the treatments that have made being HIV+ a non-issue for many should they become infected. 10. Any advice for a man who has a hard time getting out of his head during sex? A little pot, a little wine, and maybe some CBT — CBT here referring to “cognitive behavioral therapy” and not “cock and ball torture.” But letting someone put your nuts in a ball crusher is a pretty effective way to get out of your head, too, and a lot cheaper than therapy. 11. Arguing with queer friends about what’s worse: compulsory heterosexuality or compulsory homonormativity. Your thoughts? Compulsory heterosexuality exists and is enforced in many parts of the world with deadly violence. Compulsory homonormativity, on the other hand, exists only in the imaginations of queer people lucky enough to live in parts of the world where they’re free to make their own choices thanks to LGBT activists who fought real and not imaginary oppressions. And since bad things that exist are worse than imaginary things that do not, compulsory heterosexuality is obviously worse than compulsory homonormativity. 12. I can’t suck cock because I gag and will vomit. Sensitive to smells and I have a shit gag reflex. Any tips? Don’t suck cock. P.S. You can do a little oral without any risk of puking. Ask your sex partners to shower right before sex with heavily scented soap. Then instead of putting his cock in your mouth, put your mouth on his cock — lick the shaft, wrap your lips around the head without letting it past your teeth, swirl your tongue around the head, work the shaft and head with your spit-covered hands, etc. 13. Is rendering a real kink? It was recently mentioned on your show and I can’t find anything about it anywhere. Boiling down a sex partner and using their rendered fat as lube is not a real kink with its own play parties, munches, dating apps, deep fried twinkies, etc. That was a joke — an obvious one, I thought — and I’m a little concerned you went looking for information about it. Here’s hoping it was morbid curiosity and not sincere interest that prompted you to seek more info. 14. I am suddenly reading a lot about saline douches. So, is anal douching with tap water considered unsafe now? My first thought was… if douching with tap water was dangerous… bottoms would’ve gone extinct in 2014. But I googled that for you and, according to the SF AIDS Foundation, douching with tap water on a daily basis — which some elite-level/always-prepared bottoms are doing these days — can result in a potentially dangerous electrolyte imbalance. “One of the safer liquids to put up your butt is called ‘normal saline,’” says list of anal douching safety tips on the SF AIDS Foundation’s website. “You can get this stuff in a saline Fleet enema, or you can also make normal saline at home by combining a half teaspoon of salt with a cup of water.” 15. Can men orgasm if they’re not hard? Yes. 16. SF or Seattle? Chicago. 17. City or suburb? You can’t be serious. 18. Is it ever worth arguing with idiots online? Only if you’re Dr. Jen Gunter or Mr. David Simon — and even then, remember you’re not arguing with the idiots. You’re arguing for the benefit of gullible people who might be following idiots. Using logic and facts (Dr. Gunter) or facts and colorful invective (Mr. Simon) to peel low-information non-idiots away from malevolent idiots is a noble goal; bringing malevolent idiots to their senses is a fool’s errand. 19. Is having ongoing health issues (otherwise fit) a legitimate reason to remain solo or am I avoiding relationships because I don’t want to make myself vulnerable? We all have health issues — ongoing or incoming — which is why every love story is a tragedy in disguise. Some plays end before the lovers are dead, but every lover dies. 20. Did you get the sense that Molly Roden Winter was pressured by her husband into polyamory? I definitely got that impression reading reviews of More: A Memoir of Open Marriage, but I didn’t get the impression reading the actual book. 21. How do I help a friend who is in a dysfunctional relationship without isolating them? You keep showing up, you keep listening — unless the relationship is so chaotic you feel unsafe and/or you feel like showing up is enabling your friend to remain in a dysfunctional relationship. Then you tell your friend, “Look, I can’t be around you right now — but I will be there for you when you’re ready to get out of this relationship. Call me and I will show up with a moving van, dozens of empty boxes, and not a single ‘I told you so.'” 22. This is not a relationship question, but as a musical theater gay, I’m wondering if you’ve watched Dicks: The Musical yet? If not, please watch it and let the people know what you think. It is truly unlike anything else I’ve seen in my life. Watched it, loved it, I’ve been singing “Don’t Give Up! (When People Tell You No)” to myself for weeks — a very problematic song! — and I’m crushing so hard on Aaron Jackson that he should probably take a preemptive restraining order out against me. 23. On the verge of having a love affair, but the guy I’m involved with is having cold feet. He tells me all the time about how much he loves me, but when I try to get physical, he recoils from my touch. I’ve tried a lot of very innocent and gentle (G-rated) touching, to get him used to it — touch his hair, scratch his back, hold his hand — and he can tolerate that. How can I ease him into touching past the G-rated level? What can I do to put him at ease? When someone recoils from your touch… stop touching them. 24. I could have sworn that I read somewhere that there are rules regarding the allowable number of consecutive spanks and the minimum time between sets of spanks in adult movies, but I can’t find any documentation about this online. You can’t find anything about that because that is not a thing — it’s not even a thing I made up, like rendering. (For the record: Rendr is “a remote engagement tool built to save contractors time and money,” and not a dating app for rendering fetishists.) 25. I am a woman dating a man. The sex is the best we’ve had in years — we’re both recently divorced — but we need you to settle this issue for us. I enjoy giving blowjobs, but my guy needs stimulation at a certain tempo. I told him that one or the other of us will have to do the work. I can’t stroke, cover my teeth, and breath while he thrusts at his preferred tempo. So, he’s either going have to sit still and allow me to do the work or allow me to get in the right position and then let me sit still while he fucks my mouth. What say you? I say any man who refuses to take “go ahead and fuck my face” for an answer doesn’t deserve the blowjob you’re trying to give him. Got problems? Email your question to Dan here! Or record your question for the Lovecast here! Follow Dan on Instagram and Threads @DanSavage. Follow Dan on BlueSky @DanSavage. HUMP! Part One is playing in cities across North America and Europe! Go to HUMP! Film Fest to check out the new films and get your HUMP! 2024 tickets now!  

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