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Slick Moves

Joe Newton

I’m frustrated. I’m transmasc and use silicone “attachments.” My partner is AMAB. Also relevant: We have very old hardwood floors, non-laminated. For YEARS, I have expressed frustrations about the careless ways my partner handles silicone lube. Multiple times, he has created dangerous slippery spots on the floor by spilling it. Our old hardwood floors absorb it and it won’t come out. (I have slipped while getting out of bed because it’s now slippery there. Also, mildly annoying, stains on sheets, blankets, etc., including the brand-new sheets that we began using a month ago.) Also, even more frustrating, I have REPEATEDLY pointed out that my (very expensive) silicone parts can be damaged and have a shorter lifespan if silicone is used directly on them.

I have gone to great lengths to make sure we always have an assortment of silicone, hybrid, and water lubes, as well...

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...rtment of silicone, hybrid, and water lubes, as well as non-lubricated condoms that can be placed over my silicone dicks with the option to put silicone lube on the outside. I have purchased cheap plastic trays to leave lubes on so excess lube doesn’t run down the outside of the bottle. I have bought a few cheap towels that can be kept nearby so lube bottles that are tossed don’t wind up on the sheets, couch, floor, etc. And yet he keeps putting the silicone lube directly onto silicone parts and being careless about spilling on the floor, bed, couch, etc. I am at my wit’s end. The worst part is that he is usually the one who handles cleaning floors and bedding, so he should definitely understand this! I completely lost my libido recently because he was about to put silicone lube directly on a new silicone vibrating butt plug and then accidentally spilled it on the living room floor, which I immediately scrubbed by hand. Suddenly, instead of feeling turned on, I was imagining the next time one of our elderly mothers walks into the living room and falls down. This is no longer just about lube. This is about a total disregard for things that aren’t that difficult to manage, and if I reach the point where I have to get pedantic and say, “I don’t feel comfortable with you handling silicone lube anymore,” it’s a huge turnoff. Advice? Sexy Partner Lacks Listening Skills If your partner can’t be trusted to use the right lube for the right sex toy and/or the right lube for the right sex act, SPLLS, and if your partner can’t manage to get the lube out of the bottle and onto the toy and/or the hole without getting the lube all over the floors and the sheets and the furniture and your moms, then your partner shouldn’t be allowed to handle the lube. You shouldn’t have to apply the lube every time you have sex — you shouldn’t have to do all the e-lotional labor in this relationship (sorry) — but for your peace of mind and the safety of your elderly mothers, SPLLS, you might wanna do it. Zooming out for a second… There are two different issues here. The first is a practical one: your partner is staining the sheets, creating safety hazards, and damaging expensive toys, some of which you doubtless acquired (and wear) for his enjoyment. The second issue is symbolic: he’s not listening. He’s not taking your concerns seriously, to say nothing of your sheets, and that makes a spill that results from his inability — or his refusal — to something so simple as using the right lube and then setting the bottle down on the tray or a towel you provided for him ten times more upsetting. Seeing as partner was AMAB, I’m gonna guess that he may be one of those dudes who has difficulty thinking about anything besides the most immediate task when his dick is hard. Calling off sex when he fails to reach for the right lube and/or fails to set the lube bottle down on a tray or a towel might do the trick — it might break through — but if it doesn’t, SPLLS, I would suggest making the silicone lube less handy. Keeping the water-soluble lube on the tray sitting on your nightstand and the silicone lube in the drawer wouldn’t just add an extra step when he wants to use the silicone lube, it would require him to make a conscious decision that required him to think about what lube he was using and why. P.S. Your letter made me think of all the gay men out there who take a hit of poppers, put the cap back on the bottle, and then open their hands and let the bottle fall… even though it means they won’t be able to find the bottle five minutes later when they want another hit because it’s lost in the sheets. I’m a 42-year-old white cis woman. I own a small business and I’ve been living on credit cards since the pandemic. My business is struggling, and I may have to close it. The thought of going back to work for someone else after being my own boss for so long is too sad. Here I am, in middle age, contemplating bankruptcy, and the possibility of losing everything. When trying to find a silver lining, I remember I am not married and do not have children. I don’t even have nieces or nephews. So, when I think about things from a different angle, I am free to start a totally different life. In weighing my possible options, some unexpected things have come to mind. Since I was a teenager every woman I have ever been with — every single one — has remarked on my oral sex talents. I don’t get bored or tired, and I seem to be better than most at reading subtle physical cues and responding correctly. My current lover is an OB/GYN in her late sixties and has told me —over and over through the years — that the majority of women do not ever experience the pleasure I give her when I go down on her. And this woman had many lovers, men and women, before I came along. I’ve never had a moral problem with sex work, but I can’t envision a life fulfilling the fantasies of men. I have no interest in men at all. However, going down on women for cash sounds like the best job in the whole entire universe. When I was a pervert teenager, looking in the back of free papers for colorfully worded personals for jerk-off fodder (which is also where I first found you), I saw ads that men placed to give oral sex to women. Is there a market for this? I live in the San Francisco area. Should I just place an ad somewhere? Can I visit a resource center for sex workers to ask some basic questions about safety as a potential sex worker? Or are these questions moot because this — women servicing women for money — isn’t a thing and there’s no market? Screwed After Pandemic Harms Income Chances People argue about why there are so few sex workers out there serving women exclusively. One reason frequently mentioned: women are paid less than men and therefore don’t have the expendable income to pay for sex. (Other reasons: women are socialized to feel less entitled to the sex they want; the negative consequences of sex — from pregnancy to STIs to sexual violence — disproportionately impact women, which makes women more risk-averse; women are likelier to have moral and/or political problems with sex work.) But while the pay gap remains a fact of life (and the orgasm gap remains a fact of life for straight women), the pay gap has narrowed significantly over the years. One result of the narrowing of the pay gap: the closing of the infidelity gap. While many used to think women were less likely to cheat because women were better people — seemingly better at honoring monogamous commitments — we now know women were less likely to cheat because they were more vulnerable, not more virtuous. It was the devastating financial consequences of divorce — which also disproportionately impacted women — that kept women from fucking around and not a lack of desire. But even as the infidelity gap has narrowed along with the pay gap, the paying-for-it gap doesn’t seem to have narrowed at all. Which is a long way of saying… you’re gonna need a different backup plan, SAPHIC. You may find one or two women out there willing to pay you to eat their pussies, but you’re not going to find enough of them to pay your rent. Here’s another idea: You’ve been dating a doctor for years — you’ve been going down on a doctor for years — so close your business, declare bankruptcy, and tell that doctor she’s gonna have to marry your out-of-work/out-of-debt ass if she wants you to keep eating her pussy. P.S. Really sorry about your business going under — that sucks. I’ve been with my partner for fifteen years. We are in a May/December relationship, as he’s about a decade older. We both wanted a monogamous relationship at the start, which was a likely product of our similar religious upbringings. My perspective on this has greatly shifted, especially over the course of the last few years. Our bedroom is essentially dead, unless you count mutual masturbation sessions once a month that might include a few minutes of oral. My partner gets excited when we watch porn featuring threesomes and finds DP in porn sexy, but he has vehemently expressed his opposition to non-monogamy even though I’ve never brought the subject up. I’ve tried to get him to open up about his fantasies, but he’s super guarded. How can I go about bringing up this conversation and my desire to open our relationship up with a better chance of success? Enjoying New Models No risk, no reward — forgive me for tossing out a cliché, ENM, especially one that doesn’t quite capture the stakes here. You can’t get the reward you want (some allowance for outside sexual contact) without risking everything you have (your loving but sexually stale relationship). I suspect your partner knows you’re unhappy with the state of play, ENM, which is why he keeps expressing — seemingly out of nowhere — his opposition to non-monogamy. You could take a mini-risk and make a neutral statement of fact, ENM, in an attempt to gauge just how adamantly he’s opposed to non-monogamy. (“Non-monogamy works for a lot of couples, especially gay couples, and I don’t think those couples are any less committed.”) But seeing as your partner is already arguing with you in his head about monogamy means he’ll most likely interpret even a neutral statement as a disguised request to open your relationship… which isn’t entirely irrational on his part, seeing as that’s exactly what it is. So, if you’re going to risk upsetting your partner by raising the subject at all, ENM, you might as well take the risk of asking for what you want. It might comfort you to know there are lots of couples out there who were once monogamous but are now in happy, healthy open relationships because one partner took the risk of asking and the other reluctantly agreed and eventually came around… and it might discomfort you to know there are lots of single people out there who got dumped after they risked asking their partners to open their relationships. But even if you don’t get the reward you’re after, ENM, I think your relationship will survive the inevitable argument. Because if your partner was going to break up with you for not feeling the same way he does about it, ENM, he probably would’ve broken up with you already, seeing as he very clearly kindasorta knows you want to open relationship. Good luck, ENM, and here are few more clichés that might give you the courage to ask for what you want: no guts, no glory; nothing ventured, nothing gained; fortune favors the bold; he who hesitates is never double penetrated, etc., etc., etc. Got problems? Email your question to Dan here! Or record your question for the Lovecast here! Follow Dan on Instagram and Threads @DanSavage. Follow Dan on BlueSky @DanSavage. HUMP! Part One is playing in cities across North America and Europe! Go to HUMP! Film Fest to check out the new films and get your HUMP! 2024 tickets now!  

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