America’s longest-running sex-advice column!


Joe Newton

1. Is pegging only for butts or can vaginas get pegged too?

I’m not a pegging purist.

When the term originated in my column — when my readers selected “pegging” as the name for a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo — it was gendered; pegging was something a woman did to a man. But now people use “pegging” to mean someone any gender fucking someone of any gender in the ass with a strap-on dildo, an evolution I fully support. But I do think having a term that specifically refers to a particular and popular kind of ass fucking is a good thing. Nevertheless, meaning follows use, and I am not the boss of the English language. “Language is, by its nature, majority-rule,” as Tamar Haspel noted over at The Atlantic this week, “[and] a word’s meaning changes when enough people use it in its new, changed way.” So, if people start using pegging to refer to any kind of...

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...ntic this week, “[and] a word’s meaning changes when enough people use it in its new, changed way.” So, if people start using pegging to refer to any kind of penetrative sex that involves a dildo and a dildo harness, I won’t be mounting a legal challenge. 2. Best sex position for celebrating the NY verdict? Not sure — but it should be something you can’t get away with doing even once, let alone 34 times. 3. I’m a unicorn to a hot married couple that lives a few hours away. I came up for her birthday and a fun party. For the first time, the sex was off. The wife and I had our usual hot time, but the husband seemed to ignore me and focused only on his wife. I left feeling rejected. I called and said it’s ok if he wants to fuck his wife, but why was I there then? He apologized and assured me he’s still attracted to me and wants me to come back. Should I go back? Maybe the husband felt his wife should be the center of attention on her birthday… or maybe you were the center of attention the last ten times, and his wife asked to be the center of attention on her birthday. Either way, if the husband had a plan to focus things on the wife for a change, he should’ve shared that plan with you in advance. But if the sex was good every other time, I think you should give them another go. If you expect to be the center of attention during every threesome, you should share that expectation with them — but in all honesty, I don’t think that’s a realistic expectation. A one-off threesome with a couple? You’re the very special guest star and you should be the center of attention. A relationship with a couple that involves lots of threesomes? Everyone gets to be the center of attention once in a while. 4. After four years together, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I became suspicious because he didn’t want to have sex any more, and he spent most of his time on his phone. At first, I learned he kissed a coworker after I found the shadow of a hickey on his neck. He used a car-sharing service to get home, and I asked to see where he got the car, and it was the street where this woman lives. He insisted it only happened twice. Now I know it has happened fifteen times in nine months. I love him dearly, and I can’t live without him. What am I supposed to do? How can I believe it was just two kisses? Can I ever trust him again? If you can’t live without him, you’ll have to put up with this shit. If you can’t put up with this shit, learn to live without him. 5. Married 24 years, haven’t had a BJ in fifteen years. That sucks. P.S. Since I’m an advice columnist and you’re a straight married man — men couldn’t marry other men 24 years ago — I’m supposed to ask if you’re doing your fair share of the housework, if you’re practicing good personal hygiene, if you’re making sure your wife comes when you have sex, and if you’re going down on her. The implication: you must not be doing these things because otherwise you would be getting regular blowjobs. But there are men out there who do everything right — their fair share of the housework, they shower and brush their teeth, they get their wives off, they eat their wives’ pussies — and they never get blown. They may have married women who never liked sucking cock, or they may have married women who loved sucking cock at first, but sucking cock somehow doesn’t work for them in the context of an established relationship. P.S. If you want a BJ, ask for one. If she won’t give you a BJ, ask for permission to get a BJ elsewhere. If she won’t give you a BJ or let you get a BJ elsewhere, do what you need to do to stay married and stay sane. P.P.S. Not calling it a “BJ” might help. 6. Best soap for cleaning a smelly cock? Any soap will do — seriously, cocks don’t smell bad because men are using the wrong soaps. 7. My boyfriend said he wants to ask his therapist “for their approval” before we can have a threesome. Is it a no-go? Does your boyfriend have a long history of compulsive sexual behavior? Did he need years of therapy before one-on-one sex with someone he actually cared about was a possibility for him? Did your boyfriend’s ex-husband leave him for someone they had a threesome with? Did he require years of therapy to get over the divorce? Did your boyfriend walk in on his mom getting double penetrated by his dad and his dad’s best friend when he was ten? And has your boyfriend only recently managed — with the help of his therapist — to block the mental images that were ruining sex for him and him for sex? If any of the above or something close is true, your boyfriend might have a good reason to check in with his therapist before having his first threesome with his new boyfriend. But he could’ve and should’ve checked in without telling you about it. 8. Sex has become boring and routine. Best advice for spicing it up? Location, location, location — meaning, if you’re having sex with the same person in the same place over and over again, you might wanna fuck that person somewhere you’ve never fucked that person before, e.g., at the office, on the roof, in the ass. If you’re having sex with lots of different people in lots of different places and you’re bored, you may need to take a break. 9. I can take really big sex toys, but men’s dicks are painful. Why? Men come attached to dicks — typically — which makes dicks somewhat unpredictable. Toys, by way of contrast, are very predictable; toys don’t make any sudden moves, toys stay where you put them, and toys don’t have their own ideas about the depth, angle, or pace of penetration. If you’re someone who experiences even mild anxiety around penetration, playing with a typical dick — one that came attached to a man — may be causing you to tense up, and tension is the enemy of painless penetration. 10. Cis female here who has sex with trans women with [eggplant emoji] who also sleep with people with [eggplant emoji, eggplant emoji, eggplant emoji]. Should I be on PrEP? Yes. 11. What’s the most erotic thing you’ve watched IRL in a room? Pass. 12. How legit are all the ads telling me I have low T? I’m a 45-year-old male. Do all men my age have low testosterone levels? Those ads are designed to make all men feel like they’re suffering from low testosterone, which not all men — your age or even older — necessarily do. Luckily for men, getting your testosterone levels checked is a simple procedure. 13. My partner and I enthusiastically adopted your #fuckfirst philosophy, and doing so has improved our lives immeasurably! But I have noticed that on social occasions when it’s not an option, I often find myself feeling disconnected and prone to being testy with my partner. Is this a problem? Is our relationship too dependent on sex? Would we be together if it weren’t for our incredible sex life? I couldn’t tell you, but if you stay together long enough, i.e., if you’re together into advanced old age, you’ll find out. 14. Will casual gay sex between consenting adult males ever be normalized? God, I hope not — because discomfort with gay sex is the only thing keeping bachelorette parties out of bathhouses. 15. Are friends of exes or exes of friends always off-limits? What’s the best way to handle one of these sticky situations so you don’t lose a good friend? Friends of exes and exes of friends are never off limits — life is too short for baby-ass dating games like that. If you’re dating the ex of a friend, you owe your friend the courtesy of a call. Your friend should hear it from you, and — yes —it’s gonna be awkward, but the sooner you make the call, the sooner the awkwardness is over with. If you’re dating the friend of an ex, they need to make the call. 16. If I’m having a quickie outside, what’s the best way to deal with unclean surroundings? You can plant your feet — and stay on your feet — and get plowed and seeded all at the same time. 17. How do I get my low-libido partner to fuck more often? No idea — but if you figure it out and it’s something you can bottle, you’ll get rich. 18. Quickest way to remember the sex my boyfriend has with other guys is sexy and not scary? Being showered with attention, affection, and gratitude — along with all the dirty details (if you wanna hear ‘em) and sloppy seconds (if you like that kind of thing) — may not be the quickest way to remember why it’s sexy when your boyfriend has sex with other guys, as you do have to wait for him to get back, but it is the most effective way. 19. Can you teach someone to give better head?  Someone giving you head wants two things: they wanna get you off, and they wanna get you off in a reasonable amount of time. To accomplish those goals, they’re going to do things that worked with previous partners and doubling down on things that seem to be working for you. If there’s a simple thing they can do to make head more pleasurable for you — something reasonable that’ll get you off a little quicker — you shouldn’t hesitate to ask for it. But don’t think of it as teaching them to give better head; the head they’re giving might’ve been the best head the last person they sucked off ever got. No, you’re showing them what works for you. If they can incorporate what works for you, you’ll wanna to see them again. If they can’t, you won’t. 20. Every time my girlfriend and I have sex — we’re both female — we have to change the sheets. Tips for less messy sex? Have sex on the floor (easier to mop), have sex on the kitchen counter (easier to wipe), have sex in the tub (easier to drain), etc., and invest in a few of those pricey-but-worth-it waterproof blankets — toss it on the bed when you’re getting started, toss it in the wash when you’re done. 21. How can a girl help her vanilla husband get more comfortable being an aggressive Dom top sometimes? A few years back, a close friend complained about her husband’s inability to dominate her properly  — he was doing exactly what she asked him to do, but that was it. “It feels like he’s going through the ‘topping’ motions,” she texted me, “but I want a top with an agenda.” A year later, the same woman raved to me about her husband’s topping skills. It turned out he just needed some time to get comfortable in the dominant role — and some time to develop an intuitive feel for what his wife wanted — before he felt confident enough to set the agenda. So, give your husband detailed instructions, then give him time. 22. Why does it sometimes hurt when a silicone dildo is inserted even after I’ve been prepped for it? If you’re using the same silicone toy over and over, you may have a toy with a small surface tear or imperfection, e.g., something you may not be able to see, but something your ass can definitely feel. If all your toys are silicone and this always happens, you may have a small internal anal fissure. If you use a variety of toys made from a variety of materials and only your silicone toys hurt, you may have stumped me. 23. I only squirt when I gag — am I the only one? Since lots of people enjoy gagging — some enjoy retching, some enjoy hurling — it makes sense that someone might enjoy gagging so much that a well-timed orgasm, i.e., one they have while gagging, is going to be more powerful and intense than the orgasms they have when they’re not gagging. So, while you’re the first person I’ve heard from who squirts when she gags, I doubt you’re the only person out there with this superpower. 24. How to tell older GenX straight men to take more pleasure in eating pussy? GenX was all about oral sex, from all the rainbow parties (that didn’t happen) to all the mutual oral sex (that did and still does happen) — so, I don’t think the problem is GenX men in general, but the specific GenX men you’ve been fucking. 25. How do I get out of the friend zone and into the FWB zone? You ask once for a transfer — just once — and if the answer is no, you never ask again. P.S. The “friend zone” isn’t a thing; it’s a cope. 26. Any post-orgy hygiene tips? Rent a convertible, drive to the nearest carwash, and go through it with the top down. Got problems? Email your question to Dan here! Or record your question for the Lovecast here! Follow Dan on Instagram and Threads @DanSavage. Follow Dan on BlueSky @DanSavage. HUMP! Part One is playing in cities across North America and Europe! Go to HUMP! Film Fest to check out the new films and get your HUMP! 2024 tickets now!  

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