STRUGGLE SESSION: Tolyamory Blows Up, Unreasonable Expectations (BJ edition), Darkrooms Aren’t For Everyone and More!

...ersOnly"> This note came in from a reader via email… Whenever you say “tolyamory” it sounds like “tolly-amory” to me and tolly (or tollie) is slang for penis in Surinamese and urban Dutch. So, basically I am hearing “penis loving.” Just so you know! Greetings from Holland! Homonyms, man, they’ll fuck you up. ‘ Also, tolyamory has had a big week! In addition to the insightful posts Mary Thouin shared on her Instagram account and the lively back-and-forth her posts (that I shared) kicked off with our followers (the posts are here, here, and here), tolyamory got written up in the The Times of London, The New York Post, and HuffPo! ‘ Another note — from a listener in China — came via via email… Re: Episode 916. Advice for the man who’s not sure if prospective sex partners have read his profile and understand his HIV status: just add a contract rider. After the part of your profile where you disclose your HIV status, add the instructions: “When you DM me, please say these exact words: ‘I read your entire profile.’” If they say it, they’ve read your profile. If they don’t, they haven’t. You could also instruct them to put a bowl of green M&Ms in the room if you want to take it to the next level. Good advice! But maybe instead of setting out a bowl of green M&Ms — long-rumored to be an aphrodisiac — the caller could instruct his hookups to set out a bowl of M&Ms with all of the brown M&Ms removed, since what he’s testing is their ability to follow his instructions. ‘ I added a comment of my own to the thread where readers were debating my advice for LW#5 in my last Quickies column — he was the man who had gone without oral sex for the last 15 years of his 24-year marriage — but I added it too late for most readers to see it. So, I’m including it here because I’m sincerely curious what you all think… It is unreasonable, I think, to tell a guy — in this thirties or forties — that he’s never going to get his dick sucked ever again because he made a monogamous commitment to you and, after nearly a decade of sucking his dick, you’re done and expect that guy to shrug and accept that, no, he’s never going to get his dick sucked sucked ever again, by anyone, at any time, under any circumstances, because that would violate the commitment he made to you back when you were sucking his dick. If I was the person who was done sucking dick, I would expect that my partner would, at some point, most likely get his dick sucked by someone else. Expecting a spouse — male or female — to go without oral sex for the rest of their life because they made a monogamous commitment to you back when you were into oral (or willing to pretend you were) seems like… well, it seems like a good example of an unreasonable expectation. That doesn’t make it okay for your husband to get his dick sucked elsewhere… that doesn’t make getting your wife to get her pussy ate elsewhere… as that would still constitute cheating. But should it really surprise you if your partner eventually got oral elsewhere? ‘ Says Jonathan in response to the caller — a cis woman — who wanted to attend gay leather/fetish events because she thinks gay men in harnesses are hot… PLEASE DON’T. Let us have our own thing. We’re gay men here for men who are into men. As Dan said, Folsom is pretty mixed by now, and IML, despite its name and origination, is somewhat wavering. But dear god. We’re gay. We want and have created our own space for that…. And yeah, you find gay men hot. The fuck kind of excuse is that? Straight men should barge into lesbian bars or sorority reunions because they think lesbians and sorority sisters are hot? Same logic; same impermissible result. My husband — who regularly attends gay leather/fetish events — told me I left something important out of that response: While there are women at IML and Folsom, and while women are not just welcome at those events but integral to them (as vendors, attendees, and leather/fetish community members), I should’ve told that straight cis female caller — who has never been to a gay leather/fetish event before — not to wander into the play spaces and darkrooms. Alexander Cheves explained why straight people (and some gay people) really don’t belong in playspaces in a piece he wrote for The Advocate: Straight people, there are places where you do not belong. The backroom of a seedy gay bar is one of them. When you walk through the curtain, the room is completely dark. It takes a minute for your eyes to adjust. All you can hear are shuffling feet, the throbbing bass from the dance floor, and the wet, padded slap of someone getting fucked. This was my go-to gay bar’s backroom until two months ago, when a straight woman wandered back there, got touched, and threatened to call the cops. Here’s a lesson: When you walk into a backroom, you waive a degree of consent. Gay men go back there to get groped. If someone starts feeling you and you’re not interested, gently push his hand away. If you feel the need to do this a lot, you shouldn’t be back there. And since Darklands, my husband’s favorite leather/fetish event, is pretty much one giant darkroom, that event isn’t one the caller should think about attending. ‘ GoBobbyGo on BlueSky spotted a pattern: If you run out of people named Goldstein to have on the show and ever want more, hit me up! No expertise to speak of but Magnum sub since it started and started reading you in the 90s when I lived in Rogers Park. I will definitely keep you in mind as a possible guest, Bobby G! ‘ And today in Has Everyone Lost Their Damn Mind… Once again: Define sex as broadly as possible and you’ll have a lot more sex; define cheating as narrowly as possible and you’re a lot less likely to get cheated on. And anyone who defines having a wank as cheating deserves to get cheated on twice a day. ‘ Says Pseudo at the bad place… I got to say: If the @Pontifex is so worried about “frociaggine” in the Catholic Church, his first order of business should be changing the Swiss Guard’s uniform. pic.twitter.com/RKeeaJYW8p — Pseudo (@PseudoRandomGuy) June 8, 2024 I have been to the Vatican. I have seen the Swiss Guards. If the Pope decides he wants those boys out of those uniforms, I am happy to help. (The Swiss Guards have their own Instagram account!) ‘ Says Side B at Blue Sky… Dan Savage says he pronounced “frociaggine” in his head as “frogaccino,” like cappuccino but with frogs and now that’s how read it too. 🐸 Sorry about that, Side B! And speaking of frociaggine/frogaccino: she did it again! I’m sorry, but that’s the last straw: I won’t be voting for Pope Francis this November. I will be writing in John XXIII. ‘ Okay, gotta go get my hair done for Savage Love Live! One last item of business: our Muppet-Faced Man of the Week is songwriter and comedian Gabe Gibbs!