I forgot we don’t do Struggle Sessions on Thursdays when we’re doing Savage Love Live — I’m supposed to be in hair and makeup right now — and was pulling one together when a little bird reminded me we’re doing a live show today. So, please enjoy this is bonus Struggle Session and we’ll our Magnum Subs at noon for Savage Love Live! (Magnum Subs: check your email inbox for the link!)
In regards to TRUMP’s question — she’s LW whose girlfriend’s 18-year-old son is a homophobic, verbally-abusive MAGA brat who has physically threatened his mother — MistressOfNone brings up something I downplayed in my response…
I’ve been lurking casually for years and feel compelled to comment for the first time. As a retired social worker, the letter from TRUMP rang all my alarm bells. There were many excellent points made by Dan, Joanna Schroeder, and the loyal commenters but no one has mentioned the deadly intersection of misogyny and homophobia and how it dehumanizes women, including mothers. The current rhetoric has intensified the danger. I have heard many stories of (straight) mothers needing to call the police because their sons are assaulting them. Queer mothers are especially vulnerable. Here is a link to a Canadian analysis.
The potential for violence definitely occurred to me — I am a self-diagnosed sufferer of WCSD (Worst-Case Scenario Disorder), for which there sadly is no treatment — and it’s why I urged TRUMP to set boundaries for her own safety, even if it meant seeing a lot less of her girlfriend for now. But in addition to urging the mother to ask/tell her adult child he’ll have to move out if he can’t at least be civil, I should’ve flagged the worst-case scenario here and advised TRUMP (and her girlfriend) to recognize the danger they could be in.
Some more blunt advice from Dashing:
LW has to break up with this woman. The girlfriend loves her son, that’s not something that’s going to change easily. Don’t get between a parent and their child. Just get out of the way.
And there’s this for TRUMP from DrMrtheMaestro…
Great advice, Dan and Joanna. The greater problem is these alienated young men, who have no place to “fit in” or path to “success” in late-stage capitalism (read: our current society) and get love-bombed by their fellow misfits in MAGAland. The answer is not to excoriate or exclude them socially (cancelling doesn’t work, it just unifies the people who hate you), but to get them involved in productive, supportive, positive communities.
Just as I don’t know how you get an adult child into therapy against his will — this kid doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him, he thinks there’s something wrong with his mother — I don’t know how you get an adult child involved in productive, supportive, positive communities against his will. The fact that this kid is an adult limits his mother’s options; she can importune, she can’t compel. And I’m going to assume that this ki’d mother has already tried empathetic listening — it sounds like his mom is a little too empathetic — and she can direct him to the kind of father figure she might like him to have but I’m guessing he already has male role models, just very deeply shitty ones.
Auntie Griz flagged Joe Newton’s amazing illustration for this week’s column…
Whoa…. Did anyone else catch Joe Newton’s chillingly apt use of “redhat” and “hatred”? Joe’s forever spot-on graphics nail it again!
Joe’s illos for the column are always great — but this one literally took my breath away.
Says Thingamajig…
Ha! I was seriously considering posting today about how much I hate the word “kiddo” but was afraid it might be seen as petty. Thanks for being petty for both of us, Dan.
Happy to be of service!
This email from C.W. made my day…
I’ll brave a question sometime in the future, I’m sure, but for now I just want to say THANK YOU! In 2017 I escaped an abusive marriage and wasn’t considering dating as a single mom. (Of course I have to share custody despite it all.) Then I found myself looking for something to listen to when I didn’t have the kids… and there you were. At the time it felt like you had the only voice that actually comprehends domestic violence snd the realities of it and the complications and how you just need to leave. I also learned I was OK just staying out of the fray for a bit and listening to your podcast and reading your column allowed me to live vicariously and safely. I wanted to thank you and your guests for keeping me company and sharing so much wisdom. I did find love and sex again safely and sanely. Thank you again for the entertainment and the company and for being a truly safe space for me. And thank you for validating people who leave abusive relationships.
You’re so welcome, C.W. Thank you so much for your lovely note and kind words and I’m so glad you found love and that you’re enjoying sex again!
One last note — also via email — about Feast of the Ass, which we aren’t going to mention again until FOTA season rolls around again:
I’ve got the solution to the Feast of the Ass treat controversy! I’ve attached a link for a Glazed Donut Bundt Cake, and I propose that this be the official treat if you can’t order one from Sissy’s!
I wanted glazed Bundt cakes to be to Feast of the Ass what pumpkin pies are to Thanksgiving and sugar cookies are to Christmas. While I wholeheartedly reject the argument that there’s something elitist about Bundt cakes (!!!), the impassioned advocacy of reasonable donut advocates and rationale sticky bun enthusiasts brought me around. So, glazed bundt cakes, donuts, sticky buns are traditional Feast of the Ass treats — so long as there aren’t any fudge tunnels in the Bundt cakes, chocolate jimmies on the donuts, or chocolate icing on the sticky buns.
Okay, that’s it for this week’s Struggle Session! See you at Savage Love Live at the top of the hour!