Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to share their advice.
Q22 in this month’s Quickies column was from a “vagina-having person” who was wondering whether it would count as cheating if a “penis-having person” sent them, our vagina-having correspondent, a dildo made from a mold of the penis-having person’s one and (presumably) only penis. I said it depends on how the partner of the penis-having person felt about it. Gendun took issue with my postscript…
“Personally, even if this penis-having person’s something-having partner would regard the sending of that mold as cheating, I think this falls just inside the zone of erotic autonomy.”
Hm, I may need to reread your official definition for “erotic autonomy.” If you mean, “It wouldn’t according-to-Hoyle qualify as ‘cheating,'” I agree. But if you mean, “The solid (probably overwhelming) majority of partners wouldn’t be angry, upset, and feel betrayed,” then I have to disagree. This goes way beyond flirtation, daydreaming, or wanking to porn.
I’ve never written a definition for the zone of erotic autonomy, Gendun, and I’m not sure I would want to try. For me, the zone is more a know-it-when-we’re-in-it vibe than a terrain we can definitively map.
But I will say this: When we talk about a zone of erotic autonomy, we’re simply acknowledging that each of us — whether we’re partnered or not — is entitled to our own private sexual thoughts and even our own private sexual experiences; sexual fantasies are private thoughts (that we can share with a trusted partner or keep to ourselves), jacking off is a private experience (that we can enjoy alone or share with the whole world).
I would argue — and I think most of my readers would agree — that some things fall so squarely inside the zone that you’re allowed to do them even if your partner would be upset if they knew about it. Even if your partner would be upset to know you thought that barista was hot, you’re allowed to think that barista was hot… but you might wanna keep that thought to yourself. Even if your partner would be upset to know you jacked off, you’re allowed to jack off… but you might not wanna post the video online.
And while I have no sympathy for someone who blows up when they “catch” their non-sexually-neglectful partner jerking off, I would have sympathy for someone who caught their partner shipping dildos to randos and was upset about that.
Still, I’m inclined to allow it (at least in Q22’s case) because feeling desired by someone who isn’t obligated to desire us is a very common and very human need. There’s a kind of erotic validation our longterm partners simply can’t provide us; not everyone needs that kind of validation, of course, but for those of us who do… there are worse ways to get that need met than by flirting with someone who lives in another state. Sending that person a dildo is a serious escalation — it goes beyond flirting — but no flesh-to-flesh sexual contact is involved, so it falls (IMO) just inside the zone. But just.
It should be said that getting this particular need met — the need to feel desired by someone who isn’t obligated to desire us — often benefits the person who is obligated to desire us. People are always asking how to keep the spark alive in a monogamous relationship. Getting someone else to blow on embers is one way people do it.
Says Curious about the same question…
Dan approached this upside down. The question should be more whether the user of the personalized dildo has a partner. In other words, Q22 is the one who is to be getting off with the dildo. (I doubt that anyone thinks that all the pornstars with sex toys modeled after them are having sex 24/7 with multitudes.) Not that I think that would be cheating necessarily, but crucially it might well be lubricant for the slippery slope towards cheating, so it would be entirely valid for this to concern Q22’s partner.
Hm… if we adopt “this might lubricate the slippery slope towards cheating” as the standard… if we forbid all things that might lubricate that slope… sending homemade dildos to randos isn’t the only thing we’re gonna have to forbid. Having hot coworkers, getting on social media, leaving the house — all known lubricants of the slippery slope under discussion here.
Says BiDanFan…
I think with a lot of these things the wrong question is being asked. “Is this cheating?” Well, no, not the way most people would think of cheating. “Is this considerate to my partner?” ALSO NO.
I agree with BiDanFan — I always agree with BiDanFan — but monogamously partnered people (MPP) flirt with other people all the time. MPP meets someone in a bar on a business trip or on the internet and engages in a little harmless flirtation. Almost everyone is willing to acknowledge that almost everyone does it. It’s arguably inconsiderate for an MPP to flirt with someone else because their partner would definitely be hurt… if their partner knew about it.
Says Delta35…
Is Goldschlager liquor coded “gay” or is Dan just joking? Pan guy wants to know. Have never seen it any of my AMAB gay/bi fuckbuddies’ / boyfriends’ / friends’ homes.
There are a lot of things gay men are prepared to swallow — there are a lot of things gay men are only too delighted to swallow — but Goldschlager isn’t one of them. It was a joke!
Dave D. Crawley is a lucky man. Ruby is an exceptional woman. Kind of hoping we get a HUMP! video this year filmed at a Burlington Coat Factory. And, as it turns out, I am not a monster.
Here’s this week’s GangBang…
I’m a cis woman in my mid-30s. I’ve been with my husband for over a decade and we have two young kids. He’s generally an awesome guy and we have a happy partnership.
A few years ago, I asked for an open relationship. He agreed, but with the limit that I couldn’t sleep with other men, so we stuck to sex clubs and threesomes with women together. I also shared a fantasy of him sleeping with another woman with clear rules: he’d ask permission first, it wouldn’t be someone we know, he’d use protection, and he’d tell me about it after. I told him I didn’t even know if I wanted it in reality, but the thought was exciting to me. We then ended up closing the relationship completely when his mom got sick and life got harder.
Recently he went on a business trip, got drunk, and slept with a colleague. No protection. And he hid it for four days before telling me. I’m not upset about the sex itself, but I’m devastated about the deception. Mostly. I’m also hurt that he acted out something connected to my kink but in a way that stripped me of any agency.
Now he’s telling me I can do whatever I want and that our relationship can be fully open if I’d like. I want to go sleep with someone but I’m scared that doing it right now would be coming from a place of hurt and a desire for revenge and not from a place trust. We have a good marriage otherwise, and two small kids who need stability.
Would going out and having sex with someone help me heal? Or would opening things up from this place of betrayal make everything worse? I am wondering how I move forward without blowing up a family and home that are otherwise so happy.
Dish Best Served Cold
Got some advice for DBSC? Drop it in the comments…