Struggle Session: That Time of the Month, Those Alluring Alien Dildos, That Trashy TV Show and More…

...caller: I have a hormonal mood disorder called PMDD. 5-7 days out of every month, my emotions start to feel outside of my control and I tend to spiral into anxiety and feel a lot of anger toward my partner. This is a reliable pattern based on my infradian rhythm and even when I know it is coming and maybe even feel prepared for it, I can’t always prevent it from making me feel like my partner is my enemy and everything is horrible. This tests our otherwise solid marriage almost every month. It sounded to me that the caller’s partner was happy with their arrangement three out of the four weeks of the month. It felt like a pretty big leap to call her a cowgirl. A little empathy for the woman who is dealing with hormonal problems that are completely invisible to the outside world, especially cis men. So I think you are wrong on this one. I think your caller should learn about hormonal mood disorders, learn about the different phases of  the menstrual cycle, and for fucks sake the caller should NOT call her a werewolf—unless she decided she likes it, in which case I’m all in too, it’s sadly kinda accurate. I answered that same question during Savage Love Live and brought up PMDD. Then I recorded a response for the Lovecast and…  failed to bring that PMDD. Sorry about that. But just as a cis male might be blind to PMDD, some cis men—particularly cis men my age and older—were taught that it was never okay to suggest that a woman’s anger might have something to do with her menstrual cycle. So, even if you noticed a pattern—say, three weeks of calm rationality followed by one week wearwolfing—it wasn’t something you should bring up. And for good reason: for centuries men dismissed women’s entirely reasonable and justifiably furious complaints about sexual harassment, employment discrimination, marital rape, wage gaps, orgasm gaps, their inability to get a credit card, etc., etc., by shrugging and saying, “Huh, must be that time of the month.” Again, I mentioned PMDD during Savage Love Live and I should’ve brought it up on the Lovecast too. I would be curious to hear from my cis female readers on this: If your partner thinks you might be suffering from PMDD… should he bring that up? And if so, when? And how? Regarding a recent conversation on the Lovecast about alien dick dildos that lay eggs… I’m a recent convert to your podcast and it’s a real trap. I always have my earphones on, and I’m always listening to your soft preacher’s voice. I’d love to hear more about alien fantasies, as those fantasies coincide with songs I craft, although I knew nothing about those fantasies when I started writing them. Here’s a song about an Alien Libertine! Randy had some thoughts about my advice for a woman in a sexless marriage on this week’s Lovecast: I was surprised at Dan’s advice for the woman whose husband had given up sex. It’s true that she’d been given a green light to date outside the marriage, but that is difficult, especially if you’re older. Maybe a little easier as an older woman than an older man, but still, you’re significantly limiting your dating pool if whoever you date has to be OK with a polyam or monogamish relationship. And some people don’t want to divide their love between two people, it affects both relationships, and it seems entirely possible that a clean divorce and a new relationship would be better for all involved. In addition, while the “siblingification” of a marriage may happen again, there’s a difference between staring down 30 years of it in a marriage that has already turned stale and a new, exciting relationship that slowly becomes more companionate as you grow older. I was particularly surprised because the next call was a 6-year relationship with 3 years of sexlessness and Dan was quick to tell the guy to leave. I don’t know if that’s a “sunk cost” kind of deal or because of the age difference, but the situations seemed similar and the advice very different. I think there’s a huge difference between ending a six-year relationship and ending a thirty-year marriage, particularly when the caller in the thirty-year marriage still loved her husband and was worried about growing old alone. Louise also disagreed with my advice… Dan’s “conservative side” perspective to the woman in the sexless marriage shocked me… the caller said “half a life” multiple times and sounded miserable. Better to be alone than lonely with someone else around. Plus, she sounds like she has a lot going for and is likely to have at least a few great adventures. And bookended by discussion of desirable MILFs and a call where a man was advised to leave his sexless relationship, the answer was particularly puzzling! Speaking as someone who once ended a relationship of five years and as someone who is now in a marriage that has lasted nearly thirty years… as hard as ending the former was, ending the latter—this is purely a hypothetical—seems infinitely harder and more complicated. Maybe I was projecting my own shit onto that caller’s situation… but don’t we all do that when we’re asked for advice? And while the caller sounded miserable, I think she owes it to herself to figure out whether it’s her marriage that’s making her miserable or the trap of a false choice she constructed for herself. More than once (I think; I’m going from memory here) the caller said she had to choose between having sex again and staying with her husband. But her husband was encouraging her to get sex elsewhere. So, she could have both: sex (with other men) and this marriage too. And if she was having sex outside her marriage… maybe she would be less miserable in it. And, like I said on the show, if she found sex elsewhere and fell in love with Mr. Elsewhere and wanted to be with him instead… divorce would still be an option. I suggested experimenting with different positions to a Lovecast caller whose boyfriend’s cock was too big for slamming-but-still-comfortable PIV. Jessica in the comments had a more practical suggestion: For the caller struggling with riding her boyfriend’s 8 inch cock without bending it: I suggest trying a fabulous little invention called the Ohnut, a set of stackable silicone rings that aid in controlling the depth of penetration without a loss of sensation for either partner. I bit more inconspicuous than a sex sling, these little buffers might help keep him from the painful result of bouncing off your insides. Has anyone out there used Ohnuts? We’ve talked about them on the show before, I’ve visited the website, but I’ve never used them myself. (Ahem: It’s not that my cock is too small but that my guys are so deep.) If anyone out there has used them, write in and let us know what they’re like and if they helped! I recently answered a question from (deep inhalation) the girlfriend of a man who is HIV+ but on meds and has an undetectable viral load and therefore can’t infect anyone with HIV (undetectable equals untransmittable) and they (the woman who wrote me, her HIV+ boyfriend) want to start swinging with other singles and couples and her partner doesn’t want to tell anyone he has HIV BUT she wants their potential play partners to disclose any STIs they might have because she doesn’t want herpes. The Patient Polyamorist thought I left something important out… An asymptomatic person (never symptomatic) who is positive for HSV and taking acyclovir or valcylicovir is also less likely to transmit HSV than the average person who believes they are HSV negative when they aren’t, but neither Dan nor I would argue non-disclosure is an ethical option. It’s irksome that Dan didn’t dedicate a single word in this column defending or trying to de-stigmatize us “herpes sufferers” (a sore I’ve never had). Sure LW1s partner may have increased risks if they have HIV and get HSV (is that true for non-detectable level HIV infection?). But like @bidanfan says, if you’re that scared of HSV, maybe stay monogamous? While I don’t think not disclosing is an ethical option, I do think… with certain partners… in certain places… at certain times… not disclosing is a reasonable option. Coolie objects to non-disclosure on principal while citing the partners/times/places when disclosing might not be practical… I was listening to the podcast recently and Dan actually advised someone with HSV not to disclose. They were having anon sex and it was his opinion that everyone doing that should ASSUME they were being exposed. I honestly disagree with this. This might be the ONLY thing I have ever disagreed with Dan on. I have HSV2 and I tell EVERYONE who might be a partner long before the pants come off. Many of those people then offer to take their pants off. To me that is an ideal world, I disclose, they accept the risk because I’M worth it! Those who opt out just aren’t for me and no one is entitled to everyone. Yes, I know it is unlikely that after 30 years and while taking Valacyclovir, that I might give it to someone, but it is possible. Unlike HIV there’s no treatment that would make me literally unable to transmit, so I think it is an obligation to disclose in order to sleep at night. I avoid situations where I can’t disclose easily, club hookups, bath houses, anywhere with loud music. Also, HSV has been a nothingburger in my life. I’ve never had an outbreak and never given it to anyone that I’m aware of. And Dan does try to de-stigmatize herpes! I’ve heard him do it on the podcast and seen it in his column! Based on their reaction to my advice for SEAT—the 64-year-old reader who once had HPV and was worried about contracting it again or giving it to a new partner—I’m going to guess that SlowMoPoMo must not know any Irish Catholics… “And I don’t mean to be callous, SEAT, but by then—20 years from now—something else will have killed you already or you’ll be ready to go.” SHE’S ONLY SIXTY-FOUR! WTF DAN! Well, 84 seems like a good time to go, at least to me. And I say that as someone who is a lot closer to 84 than 24. Or 34. Or 44! We all gotta go sometime, SlowMoPoMo, and like I said to SEAT… And whether you’re dying of cancer or something else a few decades from now, SEAT, I doubt you’ll be laying on your deathbed thinking, “Gee, I wish I’d gotten my pussy eaten less.” Regarding MILF Manor… I loved your openings these last two weeks regarding MILFs. As someone (56) who has been dating and playing with younger men for a long time, I often get called a cougar. I hate it. I’m not pursuing them. I don’t mind the term “MILF.”  I think your clarification of the differing definitions of both was spot on. Or… maybe we could get rid of labels altogether? The show “MILF Manor” sounds like trash TV. This concept offends me. Why are they bringing sons in? To imply that younger men who date older women are looking for a Mommy? Or that there’s something wrong with us? And thanks for responding to my call last year when I was looking for ways to meet more younger men! I’m in a new state, on Feeld, and have had great experiences with hot and respectful guys. Life is good! More on MILF Manor, which I’ve promised Nancy I won’t talk about at the top of next week’s Lovecast… And there’s not even a host!! They just get random text messages telling them what to do loll — Tranna Wintour (@TrannaWintour) January 26, 2023 I volunteer—free of charge—to host the second season of MILF Manor. And finally… Jimmy—the toe-sucking, ass-eating, skinny-dipping, slightly-traumatized dreamboat with the great hair—is my favorite. Who’s yours? And needless to say but I’m going to say it anyway: I love her and I’m so looking forward to this!