Let’s get right to it…
Randy Rainbow came back on the Lovecast and we briefly discussed something we think straight people could learn from gay people. Ann on Instagram wasn’t having it…
You don’t know what straight people think or feel cause you’re not straight. Vice versa. Hate this kinda projection. Both of you are smarter than this, come on!
Ann was reacting to this particular clip, where we (mostly me) talked about how when two people of the opposite sex go to bed together for the first time, communication almost always stops at consent — the conversation stops — because what happens next is almost always assumed: the man is going to fuck the woman. When two men go to bed together for the first time, on the other hand, the conversation doesn’t stop at consent because what happens next can’t be assumed. Who is going to fuck and who is going to get fucked? Which is why, after consent is granted — or after mutual interest is established — one or the other or both guys will ask each other, “What are you into?” It is, as I said on the show, a tremendously empowering question. Now, some straight people — particularly straight people who listen to my show — will ask a new sex partner what they’re into. But straight people, unlike gay people, don’t have to communicate about their specific desires and interests and often don’t.
Anyway, if anyone is projecting here, it’s Ann. She’s assuming it’s possible for gay men to be as ignorant of straight people, straight sex, and straight feelings as many/most straight people are of gay people, gay sex, and gay feelings. Randy and I were both conceived during straight sex, we were both raised by straight parents in straight families, we both went to grade school, high school, and college with hundreds of openly straight kids, and, like a lot of gay adults, we both wasted time trying to convince people (ourselves included) that we were straight.
So, while it’s possible for straight adults to know next to nothing about gay people thoughts and feelings, it’s impossible for gay people not to know something and/or quite a lot about thoughts and feelings of straight people.
Sick burn, Applescruff!
I absolutely agree with the response caller who called Dan and Randy Rainbow out on the shamey vibe of their response. I also love Randy, but advice, especially about pregnancy fetishes, is not his forte. Guess we learned not to call never-nudes like Dan and Randy (and Tobias Fünke) for advice involving nudism, either.
I honestly wonder how it would’ve gone over if Randy and I – two fully-clothed, never-nude gay men — had advised that caller to seek out pregnant sex workers, which was the advice a lot of listeners had for him. And in my defense: I’m always telling listeners and readers to read the comments… because I don’t always get it right. I have my own blindspots and biases, and sometimes my readers and listeners share better takes and better advice in the comments. This may be one of those times! And for the record: Out of all the possible fetishes that have ever existed or could ever exist, a thing/kink/fetish for pregnant women may be the oldest fetish and it’s certainly one of the easier ones to wrap your head around — the wonder of it, the power of it, the danger of it, the visibility of it!
Just one reader spoke up in support of GAGS’ modest proposal: that gay bars host “Pants On/Hands Off” nights once a week to make all the sex-repulsed asexual gay men in the community — all four of them (by my calculations) — feel seen, respected, and included. Says Claudia…
I find this a very un-inclusive response. Gay men can happen to be asexual and want to socialize in a place where things are lively and people are tipsy without it getting necessarily sexual. Maybe we aren’t ready for once a week but why not once a month or every two months? I immediately thought, yeah, why not go anywhere else than a bar? But then reflected, Where else can you be as lively and tipsy in public! Dan, your answer shows that you think that one can’t be lively and drunk without promiscuity allowed and that’s just not right.
People get lively and drunk at weddings, ball games, and Thanksgiving dinners, all places where “promiscuity” isn’t allowed. My grandfather’s wake was a lively affair and his grandkids got drunk at the bar across the street from the funeral home and no wound up dancing on the bar at the Glenwood Inn in just a jockstrap. My point being, if GAGS wants liveliness and drunkenness but men dancing shirtless or (gasp) kissing (sights that disgust him), there are lots of places where he can find lively, tipsy, full-clothed people — including lively, tipsy gay people — that aren’t the kind of gay bars and clubs gay men go to enjoy life, booze, and each other in overtly sexual ways.
Says Andrew…
Sorry that gay bars aren’t inclusive of people who think that homosexuality is disgusting.
Says Alex…
Assuming GAGS is into it, it’s not that rare to find platonic rigger/ bunny or sadist/masochist relationships.
I’m guessing that if GAGS were into platonic bondage and pain-for-the-sake-of-pain — which some people are! — he would’ve mentioned that in his letter. But on the off chance he is, I’m signal boosting Alex’s suggestion. (And if he is, that means GAGS enjoyed the spanking he got in my column, which means… yahtzee!)
While I’m signal boosting: John H’s advice for CANCER, was insightful and compassionate. Thank you, John!
Credit where credit is due, courtesy of Reach via email…
Regarding the caller on Episode 937, the woman with the straight male partner who’s wants to jerk off with another dude and may be open to some MMF play: I think it’s awesome that he was so upfront with her. That took real courage and vulnerability. It speaks volumes about the trust and honesty in their relationship. She should feel incredibly lucky to have a partner who’s willing to be that open with her. He’ll probably be that honest if his desires change. Kudos to him for taking that step! I don’t think he was given enough credit by her or you.
A little credit for me from L.Z. via email…
This is a simple thank you message. Recently, my twenty-four-year-old son confided in me that a recent sex partner told him she tested positive for chlamydia and was positive that she got it from him. He subsequently got tested and tested negative. His current sex partner got tested and also tested negative. My son was confused as his infected former partner was very credible. But he thinking he should stop taking the antibiotics prescribed by his doctor. Well, thanks to Dan Savage and the Savage Lovecast, I was able to ask him if they tested his mouth for the virus. And they didn’t! My son looked at me, blushed a little, and then said, “That’s totally possible, that’s how it might’ve happened.” I would not have known to tell him about oral infection of chlamydia without having picked that up on the Savage Lovecast. So, thank you Dan, Nancy, and the tech-savvy youth for keeping all of your listeners informed!
Looks like Cameron learned the hard way…
Like I’m always telling you guys… restraints are better, safer, and more comfortable than handcuffs, which are painful by design. If you’re into bondage, invest in some quality leather restraints! Your crazy Grindr hookups will thank you!
And while we’re on Twitter: I responded to an online prompt asking people to share a cancellable take and replied with a cancellable take — you could say I understood the assignment — and now people are trying to cancel me, which hardly seems fair. To find out what I said that has people calling me a “dumb cunt,” using the r-slur, accusing me of wanting to shove autistic children into wood chippers, and accusing me of throwing the election to Trump (I tried to find that one but there are so many replies now that it’s lost in the pile but I definitely saw it)… you will have to click here.
Okay, here’s this week’s letter that won’t be making it into Savage Love because 1. it’s not a sex question, 2. it won’t be of interest to general readership, and 3. by the time column comes out next week, it’ll be too late to help this reader out.
Hi, Dan! My wife and I are going to be in Seattle this coming weekend. We wanted to get a few recommendations from you: Favorite places to eat, favorite flea markets, favorite museums, walks, clubs, anything you love. This is our first trip to Seattle!
David & Doreen
If you live in Seattle and have some recommendations for David and Doreen, drop them into the comment thread!