America’s longest-running sex-advice column!

Dogs, Poo, and Promises

Joe Newton

Your column used to be full of questions from total freaks — people fucking their dogs, screwing their moms, or eating their poo — but now it’s all normal letters from normal people with normal problems. They ask boring questions, you give realistic (and therefore boring) advice, and while letter-writers’ problems may be solved, your readers are not entertained! Where are all the creepy letters from freaky dog fuckers?!

Missing the Dog Fuckers

Where are the creepy letters from freaky dog fuckers? Well, MDF, that’s a question I’ve been asking myself recently. Dog fuckers just haven’t been sending me letters. Not only haven’t I been getting letters from dog fuckers, but I haven’t heard much from mom screwers or poo eaters in the last couple of years either. Where have all the dog fuckers, mom screwers, and poo eaters gone? I have a couple of theories:

Theory #1. There just...

Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!

...fuckers, mom screwers, and poo eaters gone? I have a couple of theories: Theory #1. There just aren’t as many people fucking dogs, screwing moms, or eating poo today as there were in the mid-’90s. Americans are busier than ever, amassing wealth at the speed of thought, leaving busy pervs with little time to pursue their twisted pleasures. The people who would’ve been fucking dogs, screwing moms, and eating poo in ’94 — and sending me letters about it — are simply too busy doing day trades, yapping on cell phones, and making bids on eBay to sit down and write me letters. Theory #2: When I addressed dog fucking, mom screwing, and poo eating in earlier columns, I came out strongly against all of these activities. Perhaps my unfriendly treatment of dog fuckers, mom screwers, and poo eaters drove these perverts into the arms of more bestiality-, incest-, and scat-friendly advice professionals, such as Dr. Laura and Miss Manners. Please bear in mind that these theories about the disappearance of dog fuckers, mom screwers, and poo eaters are just theories. And as such, my Theories of Disappearing Dog Fuckers, like Mr. Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, can’t be taught in public schools in Kansas. My boyfriend and I have always had a great sex life. But one night when we were about to have sex, my pit bull “Killer” (not his real name) jumped onto the bed. I was about to shoo Killer off the bed, but “Dave” (not his real name) said, “no, let him stay.” I was pissed, but I let it slide. After a while, though, I wanted to get back to business, and I tried pushing Killer off the bed. Dave said that I was being mean. Then I noticed that Dave was kind of rubbing against the dog. I was really weirded out, so I went to the bathroom. When I got back, Killer was gone. Over the next few weeks, Dave started bringing the dog to bed more and more. Also, for the past two weeks, Dave hasn’t gotten an erection unless the dog’s nearby, and he pets Killer a lot more “thoroughly” than he used to. I love Dave and Killer, but I don’t think I can handle this. Should I mention this to Dave? Please help. Freaked Out in NY While FONY hasn’t witnessed any actual dog fucking, only “thorough” dog petting, I thought this letter might placate you, MDF. Okay, FONY, here’s the deal; I’m not sure your letter is genuine, but if it is, here’s my advice: Break up with Dave and put down Killer. Any guy who’d prefer a dog to your pussy isn’t worth your time, and any dog that gets between his mistress and her boyfriend isn’t worth the heartache. My super-sexy girlfriend has a super-sexy mom, and I’ve been totally into her mom since I met her. From the way her mom acted around me, I was sure she was thinking the same thing. So, I ended up doing it with my girlfriend’s mom when my girlfriend wasn’t around. Now I’m having sex with both of them, and her mom is getting jealous and more possessive each time we have sex. What do I do? Brains in My Balls While BMB hasn’t engaged in any mom screwing, only potential future mother-in-law screwing, I thought this letter might placate you, MDF. Okay, BMB, here’s the deal: Your girlfriend is sexy, her mother is sexy, and you’re fucking both of them. What do you do? Stop complaining, for starters, and enjoy this while it lasts. Soon mom’s jealousy will prompt her to tell your girlfriend what’s been going on, and once the beans are spilled one of two things will happen: Your girlfriend will prove to be just as skanky as her mother and be okay with sharing (highly unlikely unless they’re Mormon, but it may result in some hot three-ways), or your girlfriend isn’t a skank and won’t be okay with sharing, and she’ll dump you (much more likely, but hopefully you can keep seeing mom after your girlfriend dumps you). I know your newspaper column is for questions, but I’m asking a special favor. I live in Pennsylvania and I have a boyfriend, also from PA. He works in New York City three days during the week. He loves reading your column. I hope you are understanding this letter. English is not my first language. Well here is the favor. I would appreciate if you would print the following poem dedicated to my boyfriend: Though you are not here Wherever I go I see your face in my mind And I miss you so I miss telling you everything I miss showing you things I miss your touch I miss our excitement together I wish that I could be With you right now Where the warmth of our love Would melt the winter snows But since I can’t be I will be content Dreaming about When we will be together. — Picolo While Picolo hasn’t been eating poo, only writing “poetry,” I thought this letter might placate you, MDF, since most poetry is total crap. This beautiful poem, however, is an exception. Well done, Picolo, well done. Your boyfriend is a lucky man. A study of penile size relating to sexual orientation did take place. The study can be found in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. It is titled “The Relation Between Sexual Orientation and Penile Size” and the authors are Bogaert and Hershberger. It can be found in the June 1999 issue, Volume 28, Number 3. They examined 5,122 cocks; 935 homo, 4,187 breeder. According to the article, the gay penis is significantly bigger than the straight penis on all five measures from the Kinsey protocol. Thought you would want to know. Your Friendly Research Librarians, Trisha Spanbauer & L.W. Conflicting reports about a gay vs. straight cock study continue to pour in. Some readers insist the study is a hoax (straight male readers?), while others insist it’s for real (gay male readers?). My good friend and colleague Prof. Willis Johnson at the University of Chicago is sending me a copy of the study so that I can read it, digest it, and report back to Savage Love readers. In the meantime, my assistant Kevin will continue to conduct his own research on this very sensitive subject. letters@savagelove.net