How do you tell a guy you really love that he’s trying too hard in bed? My boyfriend and I have been together for just under a year. He was a virgin before we got together and I wasn’t. Without exaggeration, he is the best sex I’ve ever had. Initially, I enjoyed our forays into phone sex, sex toys, food, and the Kama Sutra, but it’s getting to the point where he begins every session by saying, “I’m going to get you off 10 times tonight,” and won’t leave me alone until he has. He’s putting so much pressure on himself to perform like a porn star that he’s not having any fun, and it’s getting to be a lot of work for me as well (pretending that the sex blows my mind every time is a lot of work). Sex isn’t always mind-blowing! Sometimes it’s just comfortable...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, access to comments, special events, and much more!
...work). Sex isn’t always mind-blowing! Sometimes it’s just comfortable and cozy, and I’m OK with that. But how do I explain to him that he’s taking the fun out of sex without making him more insecure than he already is?
Sit your boyfriend down and say, “Honey, we’ve got a problem. You’re the best sex I’ve ever had — really! — but I have some constructive criticism for you.” Inoculate him against an insecurity-meltdown with a little white lie: “I’m sure you’re secure enough to hear me out without freaking out or worrying that I’m not diggin’ your fine ass or loving the things you do for me. I am and I do.” Then tell him what you told me: “You’re trying too hard, sweetheart, and it’s exhausting both of us. I don’t need to come 10 times every night, and we don’t need to do something wild every time we have sex. When you’re with someone for a while, some routine sex is comfortable and cozy. Let’s keep experimenting and having fun, but let’s save the 10-orgasms-in-one-night sessions for special occasions and three day weekends, okay?”
I recently saddled up a new girlfriend and I’m taking great pleasure in exploring her sexually — except in one respect. Upon my first foray between her legs, I encountered an odor so pungent that I almost deposited my dinner in her crotch. Since then, I have avoided venturing back to her nether region for fear that I might blow chunks and give her a serious case of vaginal insecurity. She’s becoming impatient with my reluctance to perform oral sex and I’m afraid to let her in on her stinky little secret. What should I do?
Sit your girlfriend down and say, “Honey, we’ve got a problem. I’m taking great pleasure in exploring you sexually, and you look great in that saddle. But I think you may have a yeast infection or something. I’ve eaten plenty of pussy in my time, sweetheart, and I’m anxious to eat yours. But there’s something pungent goin’ on — something out of the ordinary. It’s understandable that you may not have noticed, since you can’t get your nose down there, but I can and I have. Let’s go see the doc and find out what’s up, and get it taken care of so I can give your puss the tongue lashing it deserves, okay?”
I’m desperate! My boyfriend and I have been having sex for the past few months and I have never experienced an orgasm. He gets off really easily; meanwhile I get more frustrated by the day. Is there anything I can try?
Horny and Frustrated
Sit your boyfriend down and say, “Honey, we’ve got a problem. You get off pretty easily when we have sex, but I’m not having my fair share of orgasms. We need to slow down, sweetheart, and make sure I’m getting something out of all this sex. Tell you what, let’s have sex right now, but with a little twist: You don’t get to come until after I do. I’ll show you all the tricks and moves I use on myself when I masturbate, so you can learn how to do the things that get me off. Then after I come, I’ll get you off, okay?”
I am a 27-year-old gay man. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. I truly love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m no longer interested in having sex with him. “Willus” is attractive, but has a poor self-image. Every time I turn down sex, he thinks that he’s not attractive, but that’s not the case! We’re honest with each other for the most part, but this is something that’s hard to tell him, and it’s putting a lot of strain on our relationship. I’m torn between my lack of desire for Willus, though I am in love with him, and a desire to have sex with almost anything else that has a dick and a pulse.
Confused and Concerned
Sit your boyfriend down and say, “Honey, we have a problem. My feelings for you have changed, and until recently I didn’t understand why. An older gay friend explained to me that when guys are young and inexperienced, they sometimes mistake a friendship kinda love for a romantic kinda love. And I think that’s the problem: I love you as a friend, not a lover. Being with me is hurting your self-image, and hurting you hurts me, so I think the best thing for both of us would be to split up and see other people. But I always want to be a part of your life, okay?”
I am dating a girl a bit younger than me, and we agree on just about everything. Except sex. My last few girlfriends were nymphos, and we had sex at least once a day. My current girlfriend, on the other hand, is a confirmed virgin. She draws the line just before “petting” because “that’s just wrong.” It’s really hard to go from sex every day to no sex at all. Out of all the girls I’ve dated, if I had to say I loved one, it would be her–but the virgin stuff is driving me insane. I would feel bad about corrupting her, and I’d feel bad about cheating on her. I want sex badly, and right now it will have to be with some other girl or not at all. We’ve discussed it only very briefly, and she shows no sign of wanting to compromise. What do I do?
Sit your girlfriend down and say, “Honey, we have a problem. You see, I need sex. I understand your virginity is important to you, sweetheart, and I respect that. I wouldn’t have hung on this long if I didn’t. But here’s the problem, as I see it: You don’t want to have full-blown intercourse until after marriage; I don’t want to live without the occasional orgasm. Do you think maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle? Like, oh, maybe we can masturbate together and, a little later on, experiment with some oral sex? We won’t do anything that might bust your hymen, and these low-risk activities would keep me docile and compliant. What do you say?” If she says no, you say, “Well, I guess it’s good-bye then, okay?”
Write to Dan!
Got a relationship problem? A burning sex question? A burning… sensation?
Dan’s been giving advice and been tapping the best sex researchers, educators, and scientists for more than three decades!