You recently gave this advice to a gay man involved with a married bisexual man: “DON’T MESS AROUND WITH BISEXUALS.” You went on to say he shouldn’t mess around with married men, either. Staying away from people who are in committed relationships is sound advice. But condemning all bisexuals as poor relationship material is prejudiced, biphobic, and hurtful.
Most condemnations of bisexuals are made on the basis of their presumed inability to be monogamous, a generalization that is in many cases false. But you yourself admit that most gay men are equally unable to be monogamous. Therefore, the only possible explanation for your anti-bisexual response is pure, irrational bias. You do all your bisexual readers a disservice, along with the gay and straight people who love them, by allowing your prejudices and fears to color your otherwise valuable advice.
Jennifer Coderre, Co-Founder, Bisexual ...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
...Jennifer Coderre, Co-Founder, Bisexual Insurgence
It wasn’t prejudice and fear that colored my advice for Bud, Jennifer, but plain ol’ common sense. Bud, a gay man dating a married bisexual man, was frustrated about having to share his “soulmate” with his soulmate’s wife. Bud’s problem had nothing to do with monogamy (and if Bud was hung up on monogamy, he wouldn’t have gotten involved with a married man in the first place) and everything to do with primacy. Bud wants to be his soulmate’s one-and-only, but that wasn’t in the cards (not with this particular soulmate), so I advised Bud to find some other soulmate. Under the circumstances, telling Bud to rule out bi guys and married men was sensible advice.
Sorry, but avoiding bi guys is a good rule of thumb for gay men looking for long-term relationships. Outside of San Francisco’s alternate-universe bisexual community, there aren’t many bi guys who want or wind up in long-term, same-sex relationships — monogamous or not. Surely it’s not news to you that people are put under a lot of pressure to choose partners of the opposite sex. The number of homos who succumb to this pressure is staggering, so it should come as no shock that most bisexuals wind up with opposite-sex partners. And while many straight men are delighted to discover their girlfriends are bisexual, most straight women are not delighted to discover their boyfriends are bisexual. Consequently, bi guys who want opposite sex partners are under tremendous pressure to stay closeted. And when a guy is closeted — as most bi guys are — he can’t really be there for his boyfriend, can he?
I’m not saying bi guys are bad people, or they don’t make great one-night stands. Bushes, bathhouses, and sleazy gay bars are crawling with bi guys. But if a guy wants more, he’ll have an easier time getting it from another gay man.
As a gay male who’s been playing the field for 20 years, I have to say that bi/married men just plain suck. They sneak out on wifey at home, then look for quick fixes with men, paranoid about being caught stiff-dicked with a guy. They want a straight life and its perks, and a cock when they can manage to squeeze it in (if you’ll pardon the expression). The bi guy’s “boyfriend” is always the disposable one.
Fag for Fags
Thanks for sharing your prejudices and fears with my readers, Fag for Fags. Your bigotry is as transparent as it is offensive, FFF, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. But for what it’s worth — and it’s not much — I agree with every word you wrote.
I feel horrible for Bud, not because I’ve been in his shoes, but because I’ve been the wife. My ex-husband initially told me he just wanted to try a threesome with me and another man, and that it was “just a fetish.” I wound up divorcing him when I found out he was cheating on me; a divorce preceded by months of lies and manipulations. Bud needs to know that this man tells his wife he loves her just like he tells Bud he loves him. I bet she thinks he’s her soulmate, too. In reality, he’s just a user. They should both leave him and stamp “avoid” on his forehead.
Wish I Could Protect Everybody from Assholes
Thanks for sharing your prejudices and fears with my readers, Wish I Could Protect Everybody from Assholes. Your bigotry is as transparent as it is offensive, WICPEFA, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. But for what it’s worth — and it’s not much — I agree with every word you wrote.
I’m a bisexual man. I suspect your offensive statement (“DON’T MESS AROUND WITH BISEXUALS”) has something to do with two pieces of “common knowledge.” The first is that bis are really gay. The second says, that because of social pressure, a bi man will inevitably reject a man over a woman. If these are your reasons, shame on you! The same “conventional wisdom” that says a bi man will leave a gay man for a woman, says a bi man will leave a woman for a man! That’s bigotry. Of course, both these things happen all the time, but don’t gay men leave each other for other men? Straight folks don’t leave each other? People leave people. The rules and the risks are the same, gay, straight, or bi.
Judging from my mail, Andrew, when a gay guy or a straight girl gets involved with a bi guy, someone always winds up getting hurt. And guess what? It’s rarely the bi guy. So while I wish the rules and the risks were the same for everyone, it seems that in this instance they’re not.
I read a letter recently in which your advice to a guy fooling around with a married bi guy was (in part) “DON’T FOOL AROUND WITH BISEXUALS!” Did you mean that this advice-seeker in particular shouldn’t fool around with bisexuals, or that nobody should?
No, there are definitely some people who should fool around with bisexual men: OTHER BISEXUAL MEN! Jesus Christ, bisexuals — if straights and gays treat you unfairly, then why not turn to each other for love and comfort? Judging from my mail of late, there’s an unlimited supply of easily offended, extremely verbose, highly ethical bisexuals out there looking for love. Fuck each other!
Write to Dan!
Got a relationship problem? A burning sex question? A burning… sensation?
Dan’s been giving advice and been tapping the best sex researchers, educators, and scientists for more than three decades!