Blowing It

...for hitting on unavailable women, from married ladies to their best friends’ girlfriends to underage girls to lesbians. And straight men aren’t the only ones who go after people who aren’t or shouldn’t be available to them: Lesbians hit on straight girls, straight girls hit on gay guys, gay guys hit on straight guys, and, bringing things full circle, straight guys hit on lesbians. And guess what? Sometimes the person who shouldn’t be available says yes. Which is not to say that there aren’t straight men who hate being hit on by gay men. Most hate it, just as most lesbians hate being hit on by straight guys and/or their bisexual girlfriends. But there are just enough exceptions out there that hope–both for lesbian-obsessed straight boys and straight-boy-obsessed gay boys–springs eternal. I’m a straight man who doesn’t get head at home. So about two years ago, I started going to a gym with a lot of gay members–and I started getting head from guys who followed me into the showers. Back when my wife was giving me head, I had to shut my eyes and think about other women (the wife got fat). With the guys at my gym, I do the same thing. Here’s my question: When I first started going to the gym, I would let the first guy who offered blow me. But lately I’ve been getting selective. I’m a pretty good-looking guy (former college athlete) and lately I’ve only been letting other good-looking guys suck me off. That means I’m paying attention to how the guys who want to suck me off look, which seems pretty homo. But once the blowjob starts, I close my eyes and think of Lara Flynn Boyle (I like ’em real skinny). Am I a fag now or what? Straight Guy, Gay Gym I don’t think you’re a fag, SGGG, but no doubt Mr. HETEROSEXUAL MEN DO NOT LIKE TO GET BLOWJOBS FROM OTHER MEN does. But what does it matter what he thinks? You’re getting head, he’s not, you win. I liked your advice to the gay guy who wants to suck his straight roommate’s dick, but you should have told him that the odds of it actually working are small. I’m a straight guy, and I have had gay friends try the same shit on me, and it always gives me the creeps and ruins the friendship. You’re a guy, Dan. You should know guys have finely tuned sexual radar. No matter how subtle the gay roommate tries to be, the straight roommate is going to smell it and run. But I guess I shouldn’t criticize. When I get a hopeless crush on a woman, I don’t give up easily no matter how astronomical the odds. I guess gay men are the same way. Exceptionally Long Odds You’re right, ELO, I should’ve emphasized that the odds are stacked against MSL. So let me take a moment to do just that: The odds are long, MSL, so you might not want to sit at home by the Jack Daniel’s bottle waiting for your roommate to drop his drawers. Your time would clearly be better spent working out at SGGG’s gym. Why didn’t you once, at least ONCE, mention to MSL that maybe it would be better not to hit on his straight roommate? You seem to take the position that every straight guy is really a repressed homosexual. And yes, what MSL is suggesting is gay sex. This is not coming from a closed-minded bigot who likes to secretly indulge gay fantasies, but from a straight realist who attends a sexually diverse university in Middle America and is sick of the gay idea that all people (especially men) are closeted homosexuals. MSL’s roommate does not want gay sex. MSL’s roommate wants girl sex! End of story! Straight Teaching Retards About Injurious Gay/Homo Treatment Whoa there, Mr. Sensitive. I never said that all straight guys are repressed homosexuals. I told MSL to make an offer, frame it as a face-saving (if transparent) joke, and back off–way off. If MSL’s roommate takes him up on the offer, swell. If not, MSL will have to look elsewhere. And, I’m sorry, but it’s possible for a straight guy to mess around with another guy and remain–gasp!–a straight guy, just as it was possible for me to mess around with a girl while attending a sexually diverse university in Middle America and remain–gasp!–a homosexual. And no one accused you of secretly indulging in gay fantasies, STRAIGHT, so I’m not sure why you would bring that up… unless… well…. If MSL isn’t damned sure his roommate is gay, following your advice will only lead to trouble (at the very least he stands to lose a friend). Plus, you’re not being very ethical in suggesting that MSL should get his roommate drunk. Would you suggest the same thing to a straight guy trying to get into a girl’s pants? Not on Drugs Absolutely. While too much booze is a bad, bad thing, and there are some inhibitions that should never be lowered (the inhibition against wearing black rubber pants in public comes to mind), booze helps people get acquainted and get laid. Let there be no confusion: Alcohol should never be used to incapacitate and take advantage of another person, male or female. Fucking someone who just passed out on your couch is rape, and I disapprove of rape. But using alcohol in order to break the ice and get people talking so that you can determine if they’re into you? What do you think Zima is for? I wanted to give a thumbs-up to you on your advice to the gay guy who wants to blow his straight roommate. The only other tidbit I would offer is to keep that face well shaved. I’m a straight man (I guess) who has been in the situation to which MSL referred; specifically, I have received a couple of hummers from gay guys who told me to “just pretend it’s a girl.” On both occasions, their facial stubble made it impossible to imagine it was a girl blowing me. I just got over it and took the hummer from the gay guy, but a less fruity, or secure, man might not be able to let himself indulge in the “it’s a girl” fantasy with the obvious reminder of masculinity sandpapering his loins. Rubbed Wrong, Blown Right Thanks for the tip, RWBR. letters@savagelove.net