I am a straight, crossdressing
male into bondage. That’s NOT my problem. Recently, I began
seeing a professional Dominatrix for forced crossdressing, among other
things. She was great, but our last session ended abruptly when She
told me that She wanted to start dildo training me. I was all for it,
but I asked Her, politely, if She could use my dildo. In no uncertain
terms, She said no.
I then asked, politely, if She would wash
Her dildo in bleach in front of me so that I would know it was clean.
She ended the session right then and there, and She told me not to
contact Her again.
Was I out of line? I signed a “contract”
with Her that said I would not “top from the bottom,” but She has
several other slaves who She probably uses that dildo on and I just
wanted to know for sure that the dido was clean. I...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
All Subscriber Benefits
...that said I would not “top from the bottom,” but She has
several other slaves who She probably uses that dildo on and I just
wanted to know for sure that the dido was clean. I know I won’t be
seeing Her again, but it would be nice to know if you thought I was out
of line. She reads your column.
Superior Her Ends Edgy Session Hastily
Why did this woman tell you to gather your
panties and go?
That’s hard for me to say, SHEESH, as I’m
not a mind reader. But I see two possible explanations: One, she is
unwilling to pause, step out of her role, and renegotiate a scene
that’s already underway, in which case you are well rid of her. Or,
two, you’re an insufferable controlling twat, and you managed to annoy
the fuck out of her and she kicked your ass to the curb.
I might be inclined to give you the benefit
of the doubt and declare you the wronged party here, SHEESH, but your
having carried this dispute into a column that you know she reads tips
me over to her side. By writing to me, you’re not just seeking the last
word, SHEESH, but hoping to have the satisfaction of seeing this woman
dressed down in public. So while you were careful to submissively
capitalize all those third-person pronouns—as if She Herself were
God Himself—your letter leads me to believe that in person, as in
print, you’re a disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative piece of
I’m having an interesting
I’m a 20-year-old female and a junior in
college. For the past few years, I’ve been working on becoming a
journalist. But I’ve found myself less and less interested (and
passionate) about it as time goes on. And I think I’d rather be a
For the past year, I’ve been a submissive in
a D/s relationship with my boyfriend. I love him VERY much, and he is
more respectful toward me than any other man I’ve been with. Lately,
we’ve been toying with the idea of creating a fetish-modeling website.
I do not want to be shot nude or have sex on camera, but I LOVE the
idea of bondage photos and pursuing this as a career, and so does
From the photos I’ve done so far, I’m pretty
sure this could pay off AND be more personally satisfying than a job at
a newspaper. But I’m nervous about what my family and friends will say
when they realize I’m never going to write for the Washington Post or
the New York Times.
Journalism or fetish modeling, journalism or
fetish modeling—gee, which career is right for you?
Um, KC? If you bothered to read either of
the newspapers you cite as possible future places of employment, you
would know that times are tough at daily newspapers. The internet ate
their business model—so long, lucrative classified ads! hello
“citizen journalists”!—and right now, it’s all layoffs and
buyouts all the time at daily and weekly newspapers. If you care
so little about journalism that you’re tempted to make a career of
posting bondage pictures to a website instead, KC, then don’t go into
journalism. Leave the few jobs that remain at newspapers to people who
have some passion for the field.
So it’s fetish modeling for you, right? Not
so fast, kinkster. Porn companies, large and small, are experiencing
similar financial difficulties. Just as many people are willing to
write for free online, many millions of people are willing to post
everything from “tasteful” fetish shots to hardcore porn online for
free. So while there may be a handful of people out there who’ll pay to
see you tied up, you’re probably not going to make enough money as a
fetish model to support yourself.
So you might want to think of some other
line of work, something with more job security and better long-term
prospects—perhaps banking or real estate?
I have a bigot in the family.
My brother’s mother-in-law is scared this country is “on its way” to
legalizing same-sex marriage, which is “against what her Bible tells
[her].” Debating the issue with her is no use, because it always comes
back to her religious beliefs. She doesn’t dislike gays, and she’s said
that if gay marriage becomes legal she’ll help me find a husband.
Outside of the marriage issue, she shows no
prejudice. As a gay man, I find her views on marriage reprehensible,
but I’m conflicted about how to deal with her in the future. I see her
half a dozen times each year on holidays, the same time I typically see
my nieces and nephews. I don’t want her bigotry to impose on my right
and desire to spend time with these kids as their uncle. On the other
hand, I can’t just sit there and be quiet.
Battling Bigots In Brooklyn
Anyone looking for proof that the United
States is “on its way toward legalizing same-sex marriage,” despite
recent setbacks, only has to look to the numbers of people—gay
and straight—who poured into streets over the last two weeks to
protest the bigotry of the Mormon Church and its assault on minority
rights and individual liberty. (Oh, Canada: While we scream and yell
about being the land of the free, you quietly live it. I love how my
boyfriend magically becomes my husband when we visit Canada, without
anyone else’s marriage being threatened. Here’s hoping that one day
soon the United States will recognize the legal marriages of all
Canadian citizens, gay and straight.)
Okay, BBIB, my favorite sign at the protest
I attended in New York City last week—well, after “Jesus Had Two
Daddies,” “Use Your Magic (Underpants) for Good, Not Evil,” and “Thou
Shalt Not Fuck with Us”—was this: “No More Mr. Nice Gay.” If
anyone caught me on Anderson Cooper 360º later that same
night, you saw me refusing to play Mr. Nice Gay in a conversation with
lying right-wing überbigot Tony Perkins. (Looking to get involved
in the fight? Jointheimpact.com
is a good place to start.)
But while I’m down with the whole no more
Mr. Nice Gay thing, BBIB, I see no need to go postal on your brother’s
MIL. She’s not Tony Perkins; she’s a human being. And it sounds like
her affection for you is already on a collision course with her
bigotry. Stand firm, continually emphasize that there’s a difference
between civil marriage rights and religious marriage rites. Polls show
that many Americans have already come around on this issue. Thanks to
the work you’ve already done, BBIB, it sounds like your brother’s MIL
will be next.