I am a 28-year-old woman who
has been with my boyfriend for two years. I would call it a stable,
fulfilling, and kinky relationship. I consider myself GGG, and every
time my boyfriend has brought up a kink or variation, I’ve been willing
to try it. Some things became a permanent part in our play, others have
gone into the “tried that, didn’t like it” pile without any
Recently, though, there has been a
Eight years ago, I was raped. I have had
counseling, but I am still sometimes troubled by nightmares and
flashbacks. My boyfriend knows this. Lately, though, he has expressed a
desire to explore rape scenarios. His ideal setup would be to obtain my
consent in advance, then, sometime when the mood struck him, he would
“attack” and take me, and I couldn’t say no or use a safe word. Once
the “rape” started, he could do whatever he...
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...consent in advance, then, sometime when the mood struck him, he would
“attack” and take me, and I couldn’t say no or use a safe word. Once
the “rape” started, he could do whatever he wanted, and I would not be
able to stop it.
I don’t think I can do this, not without
sending me into flashbacks. I told him that and, as this is the only
time I have flat-out refused to even try one of his ideas, I hoped that
would be the end of it. It hasn’t been. He has been pressing it more
and more, and there have been times when I’ve had to leave the
apartment, I’ve felt so threatened. I’ve told him that if he keeps
pressuring me like this, I will end the relationship. He’s told me that
by threatening to leave him, I’m manipulating him, and that I have no
regard for his needs. But I just can’t let him rape me, even in play.
Am I really being out of line for not giving in to him on this issue
and telling him that continued pressure for this would end our
Needs Her Boundaries
Dump the motherfucker already.
Someone who has experienced a shattering
sexual trauma—rape, abuse, a world-class betrayal—has to
make a good-faith effort to put the pieces back together again before
entering into a new sexual and/or romantic relationship. We all have a
right to expect emotional support from our partners, but our partners
have a right to expect that we will be able to meet their reasonable
You did all the right things after you were
raped, NHB. You got counseling, you got yourself together, and you
entered this new relationship ready to be sexual and more than capable
of meeting your partner’s reasonable sexual needs. You are, however,
suffering from some common aftereffects of sexual
trauma—nightmares, flashbacks—that you do not have to
apologize for and that he has to be considerate of.
And considering your history—and
considering that your boyfriend knew about your history going into this
relationship—ruling out rape play is perfectly reasonable on your
part and should have been expected on his. Had this conflict ended with
your refusal—even if it elicited a little sulking and
douchebaggery on your boyfriend’s part—I wouldn’t be telling you
to DTMFA. This rises to the level of DTMFA for two reasons.
First, no safe word? Unreasonable. No way
for you to call a stop to it? What if he decides to rape you when you
have the flu? Or when your parents are in the next room? What if your
fucking appendix bursts in the middle of this “scene”? While some rape
victims—excuse me: survivors—develop rape fantasies, those
fantasies are paradoxically about control; the “victim” in a fantasy
rape scenario gets to pick her “rapist,” decides the hour and
circumstances, and can call a halt to it at any time. A rape role-play
scenario you can’t stop when you decide you’re done isn’t just a rape
role-play scenario. It’s potentially rape. Just say no.
Second, the pressure. Stitch together all
the red flags in China and you won’t have one as large the one your
boyfriend has raised. He’s pressuring you to consent to sex that he
knows is highly likely to leave you feeling traumatized. His
unwillingness to drop this, NHB, suggests a desire on his part to
traumatize you for real, not for pretend. And if you’re already leaving
the house because you feel unsafe, I would suggest that he’s already
succeeded in traumatizing you.
You thought this was “a stable, fulfilling,
and kinky relationship,” NHB. You were mistaken. DTMFA.
I’m a 17-year-old high-school
student, male, into foot worship and humiliation. I’m having problems
separating my desire to be humiliated sexually from a willingness to be
humiliated socially. A girl is using me as her “fallback.” I like
“Nancy” a lot more than she likes me. I was in a relationship with
another girl, and that’s when Nancy told me she loved me. So I broke up
with my girlfriend, but now Nancy is unwilling to date me. I think she
just enjoys having control over me. Nancy is also the only girl I get
to indulge my foot fantasies with. The problem is, this gives me the
thrill of humiliation, but it means I’m not getting off, yet I’m too
turned on to help myself.
Anonymous Foot Slave
You’ve got a pretty good handle on what’s
going on here: Nancy doesn’t want you for a boyfriend, but she enjoys
the control she has over you. You’re not even her fallback guy, AFS.
You’re merely living, breathing, foot-worshiping proof that she’s
sexually attractive and, by putting up with her shit, you give her a
palpable sense of how powerful that is and she is.
So knowing that, what the hell do you
Seeing as you get to indulge your foot
fantasies with Nancy, something you weren’t able to do with your
previous girlfriend(s), I think you should keep seeing Nancy. But
resolve to see her differently. She’s using you, right? Use her right
back: Get your foot fantasies indulged, enjoy the thrill of being
humiliated, then go home and beat off. But remind yourself, after
you’ve come, that she’s not your girlfriend and never will be. And
resolve to go to college far, far away from this Nancy person, and
never speak to her again.
My husband and I were married
in a beautiful ceremony a few weeks ago. He’s a transman, and while
neither of us hides in any closets, it hadn’t occurred to us to
specifically tell my parents that he’s trans—he lives his life as
the man that he is. One of my mother’s sisters, however, loves starting
drama. She did a bit of online digging and found out that he’s trans,
and she started informing family members. Now we’re facing family
holidays with the knowledge that she may make a scene. How do we deal
with this situation? There’s simply not much chance that we can get my
parents alone to discuss it before the holidays.
Female Takes Male
Your aunt can use your husband’s status as a
transman as a club—a beat-you-with club, not a golf-and-cocktails
club—only as long as you’re not being fully truthful about it,
which is sometimes referred to as being “closeted.” Your only choice
now is to get out in front of this, FTM. Tell your parents, tell your
extended family—tell them now (perhaps in a letter), tell them
why you didn’t tell them then (not relevant, none of their business),
and tell them why you’re telling them now (aunt so-and-so is a ripe,