Okay, I need a kick in the face or
My boyfriend of two years and I broke up a
little more than a week ago. He cheated. But there’s a bit more to the
story: He was a raging alcoholic, and I’ve broken up with him a few
times. One of those times—when he was at our place and supposed
to be packing his things and be gone by morning—I kind of
rebounded off of some guy, had sex with him, then came home later the
next day and found out that my boyfriend was still at my place. We
talked and got back together. Later on, he found out about the rebound
sex I had, and I think that’s why he cheated. We weren’t a healthy
couple, all in all.
We both want to remain friends, so a week
after the breakup, we went out for coffee. We both realized that...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
All Subscriber Benefits
couple, all in all.
We both want to remain friends, so a week
after the breakup, we went out for coffee. We both realized that the
feelings we have for each other haven’t gone away. There’s no chance in
hell I’m getting back with him after he cheated, but I can’t resist
this urge to have sex with him. And I know the feeling is mutual. So
now I’m torn on whether to start a sex-based “relationship” with him or
just block him from my life.
Cheated On One
If you’ve ruled out getting back together
with this guy because he’s a raging alcoholic, COO, that’s fine. If
you’re not getting back together with him because this relationship
generates way too much conflict and drama, COO, that’s also fine. But
if you’re not getting back together with this guy—a guy who you
have strong feelings for—because he cheated on you, well, that’s
Yeah, yeah: You didn’t cheat. Not
technically. You were officially “off again” when you had rapid rebound
sex with someone else, and you were “on again” when he had sex with
someone else. But… come on. You fucked someone else during a
particularly rough patch and kept that info from him when you decided
to get back together. He found out you fucked someone else and went and
fucked someone else himself. Now, you can choose to view his cheating
as a violation of trust and an unforgivable betrayal and wocka wocka
wocka, COO, or you can choose to view it as part of your most recent
rough patch and round his cheating down to rebound sex, even if he was
rebounding after you were officially back together, and get back
together with him.
If that’s what you want. And you know what?
It sounds like that’s what you want.
My girlfriend of seven years
has disgusting manners. She eats loudly with her mouth open, farts and
belches incessantly, snorts instead of blows her nose, and so on.
I used to find it refreshing to be with a
girl who was so uninhibited. But now it is getting on my nerves, and
it’s embarrassing when she farts in front of our friends. I am starting
to be turned off by this, and I don’t see her as desirable anymore. She
thinks I am being sexist and have a double standard.
Tell me PLEASE: Am I intolerant? And is
there something wrong with me that I’m losing my libido?
Yes, there’s something wrong with
you—there’s something wrong with anyone who could spend seven
years with this woman. Seven minutes sounds intolerable.
I wouldn’t tolerate a dude who behaved the
way your girlfriend does—or advise a woman to tolerate
one—so there’s no sexist double standard on my end. And so long
as you’re not ripping farts in front of her friends or chewing with
your mouth open, there’s no double standard on your end either, GO.
Fact is, your girlfriend is a pig and a slob, and she’d be a pig and a
slob even if she had a cock and balls.
There’s a guy out there for her
somewhere—a guy with similar habits, or a guy with a higher
tolerance for loudly chewed food, or a guy with a fetish for girl
farts—and the sooner you DTMFA, the sooner she can start
delighting him with her uninhibited ways.
My partner and I have a great
thing going—madly in love, together a year, a great sex life,
similar hobbies/interests/etc. Basically, we’re both on the same page
in thinking, “This is it!” We’ve both been very open and honest about
everything, including our relationship histories, but yesterday
something caught me completely off guard. In the course of a dinner
conversation that led to talk about old partners, I asked how many
she’d had, thinking her number was a few more than mine (10, unless I’m
forgetting someone). She sheepishly answered, “100.” One-zero-zero!
She lived in NYC for a couple years, and
maybe that’s how people do it there. But I’m a good-hearted, Southern,
serial-monogamist boy and this makes me feel, well, odd. I’m really not
sure how I feel about this, but I am definitely feeling something. I
have zero fear of her cheating on me, and she’s way into our sex life,
but I’m not sure what to make of this. Thoughts?
Way Tons Fewer
Your girlfriend had a lot of guys, so your
girlfriend knows good guys from bad, and good sex from bad, and she
could get another guy, a different one, whenever she wanted. And yet
she’s with you, WTF, and she’s faithful to you. Which can only mean one
thing: You must be pretty awesome. Your girlfriend could have
any dude she wants—she’s had almost every dude she’s
wanted—and yet she chooses to be with you.
You know what you should make of this? It’s
a compliment, WTF, and you should take it as one.
Long story short: I’m a
28-year-old Aussie gay guy, very recently dumped. His choice, not mine.
But the reason he gave for breaking up was the way we met. He believes
that for a relationship to truly work, it’s important to be friends
first. As a single gay guy, I’ve tended to meet guys at parties and
clubs, and I always figured that you start with sexual chemistry and
develop a friendship from there. Am I being shallow?
Suddenly In The Scene
Okay, SITS, your ex said it didn’t
work out because you weren’t friends first. But what your ex
meant, SITS, was that it didn’t work out because once he got to
know you… he didn’t like you.
Sorry if that’s harsh, but there it is. No
one dumps a man he truly loves—or even likes well enough that
love is still a possibility—on a bullshit technicality like that.
(“I’m just crazy about you, but we met on a Tuesday and I’ve
always felt that it’s important to meet someone on a Thursday,
so….”) You had good sexual chemistry at the start, it seems, and you
developed stronger feelings for him as things progressed. But the more
he got to know you, the less attracted to you he was.
It’s possible that your ex has concluded
that the next person he dates has to be “friends first” because you
weren’t friends first and it didn’t work out. God only knows what he’ll
decide to do if his next relationship—one with a guy who was
“friends first”—doesn’t work out. Enemies first, perhaps?