My husband and I have been
together for about four years and have been married for a little over a
year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out as friends and soon began a
long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great
friendship, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Here’s
our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he’s
practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite
shocking.
Early on, it didn’t bother me
much—infrequent sex is common in long-distance
relationships—but now that we’re married, he would still rather
jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m in great shape, my “amazing ass”
gets hit on all the time, and I’m an open-minded, porn-
loving
girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME. The sex he does give
me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a
year. But the...
...on all the time, and I’m an open-minded, porn-
loving
girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME. The sex he does give
me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a
year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I’m at
work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.
The topic has been discussed often.
Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent
hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up
by blokes who noticed my “amazing ass.” He’s admitted that his sex
drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I’m
just getting to the point where one of these days, I’m going to fuck a
minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts?
Sexless And Desperate
Your husband—who is beating off three
times a week in front of the computer—is interested in sex, SAD.
He’s just not interested in sex with you or anyone else he’s ever been
with. But ultimately, the issue here isn’t sex. It’s about neglect and
selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we’re signing up to
fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested
in fucking? Don’t marry.) Since he’s unlikely to change his
ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two
options: an open relationship or a new relationship.
Considering your compatibility and the fact
that you have a child, I’d encourage you to stay together. So an open
relationship it is—and he shouldn’t have a problem with that. If
sex doesn’t matter to him, if he’s indifferent to sex and/or you, then
it shouldn’t matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely
unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams.
So long as you’re a good and loving partner and coparent, and so long
as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe,
sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more
quasi-forced sex with you.
And who knows? Maybe knowing that you’re
having sex with other dudes—or just knowing that you can
have sex with other dudes—will cause your husband to develop a
bad case of sperm-competition syndrome (Google it), and the husband
will be inspired, fucking you three times a week instead of his
fist.
I’m 21, female, and pretty
experienced. The guy I’m dating now is 23 and a virgin. I’d really like
to avoid some of the awkwardness that I’m sure is going to arise,
seeing as I’m his first. (And has arisen—the first time we
attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn’t stay hard; he
also thought he was “in” when, in reality, he was humping my leg.) I’m
at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a lot of communication in
the moment; aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make
this less awkward for both of us?
First Isn’t Really Sexy Time
Mess around a few times—at least a
half a dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the menu,
ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he’s seen
that, yes, his dick does work—yes we can get hard, yes
we can stay hard, yes we can blow a load with a woman in the
room—then you can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take
control, FIRST: Tell him—as sexily as possible—what you’re
going to do before you get started, tell him what you’re doing while
you’re doing it, and then you can tell him when he’s “in” instead of
letting him guess.
And, finally, a little required reading for
the virgins out there and the people who are about to fuck some sense
into them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and
Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight, bi;
young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences.
The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving,
hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at
once—and knowing that everyone’s first time is awkward, and that
some folks’ first times are unpleasant, and that most of us survive
them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn’t hurt you to be
reminded of those things, either.
I appreciated your responses
to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest Quickly, and I would like to share
what worked for me some years ago when I wanted to taste my own come
but was hesitant—and I’ve got two follow-up questions for
you.
My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ’s wife,
was frustrated that my come-eating ambitions would disappear after
climax. So we figured out a way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I
masturbate into a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. Then during
our lovemaking session we retrieve the baggie—she feeds it to me
in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen pieces on her body and I lick
it up as it melts, preclimax of course. Because of these baby steps,
now on special occasions I even eat it “fresh” after I’ve come in
her.
Two questions: Could home-frozen
sperm—stored for 24 hours or so in a regular household
freezer—impregnate my wife? And if so, is there a risk of birth
defects or miscarriage? Also, we are interested in using my ejaculate
as an ingredient in cooking—are you aware of any legit recipes
that use human semen?
Coming Around To Cream Pies
Frozen spermsicles gross me out,
CATCP, and I arrive at this debate with a real affection for the stuff.
So I can’t imagine your idea will catch on, even among guys like you
and LIQ. Another reader had a better idea: a little tantric woo-woo.
“Through specific breathing patterns and concentration, you can make
yourself come without ejaculating; or you can ejaculate a little and
still be hard,” writes Mr. F. “I can bring myself to a ‘mini-orgasm’
where I just slightly come on my girlfriend’s tits, go right
back to riding her again, and tease her by licking a bit off. She
loves it.”
As for your questions…
“Sperm frozen in a household freezer would
probably be useless for insemination,” says David E. Battaglia, an
associate professor at Oregon Health & Science University and a
fertility consultant. “The issue isn’t genetic damage (there probably
wouldn’t be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen
in special solutions in order to survive, and we freeze it in
liquid-nitrogen temperatures.”
And while I’ve never cooked with
sperm—if it’s not in Mark Bittman’s How to Cook
Everything, it was either meant to be eaten raw or not at
all—there’s a cookbook out there for you: Natural Harvest: A
Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.
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