My boyfriend and I have been
together eight months. We love each other, and I see us spending our
lives together. At least I did, until something he said a few days
ago.
Long story short, for the last five months
he’s brought up marriage. Then a few days ago he informed me that he
doesn’t want a wedding. When I offered a small ceremony for immediate
family and friends, he balked and said he’s not even interested in a
courthouse wedding. I asked if everything he’d said before was empty
talk, and he said yes. He won’t give me any better explanation. Oh, and
this was two days after we decided I’d be moving in with him, and he
still wants me to live with him even after dropping this bomb! Everyone
I’ve talked to, including my therapist, said the equivalent of
WTF?!?
Dan, can you decipher this...
...wants me to live with him even after dropping this bomb! Everyone
I’ve talked to, including my therapist, said the equivalent of
WTF?!?
Dan, can you decipher this male-ese for
me?
Lady In A Relationship
You were discussing marriage at three
months?
The fact that he would bring up marriage so
early, and the fact that you didn’t laugh in his face, disqualifies you
both from obtaining a marriage license. (Okay, it doesn’t—but it
should.) Three months—eight months, sixteen
months—is way too soon to be discussing marriage. Sure, you can
allow yourself to be swept away by new love, you can crush out on each
other, you can sheepishly admit that you’ve allowed yourself to
daydream about marriage—so long as that admission is immediately
followed by this statement: “But I realize it’s way too soon to
even think about it seriously…” But you absolutely, positively should
NOT be making plans to marry, small ceremonies or large,
courthouse or St. Paul’s Cathedral, at eight fucking
months; nor should you attempt to hold him—or anyone
else—to a premature “commitment” to wed.
Your boyfriend doesn’t have a bad case of
“male-ese,” LIAR, he has a good case of came-to-his-senses-ese. If
you’re lucky, the strain is contagious, perhaps sexually transmitted,
and you’ll soon be showing symptoms yourself.
And a bit of bonus advice: Get a therapist
who doesn’t believe that cashing your checks obligates him to tell you
whatever idiot thing you want to hear.
In a recent column you wrote,
“If you’re not having sex with your boyfriend, or anyone else, and
there’s no sex in your foreseeable future, ANB, that’s not
monogamy—that’s celibacy.” I have been with my girlfriend for
nine years, living together for seven. We have never had sex. At the
beginning we fooled around a lot, but never went far. Now, like many
couples who have been together for a while, the frequency has
decreased. We go beyond kissing a few times a year, and never all that
far. I am mostly okay with this: I take care of myself as necessary. We
never talk about sex at all. We’ve moved back and forth across the
country together and are otherwise committed. Is it ridiculous to leave
sex out of the relationship?
Sexless And Seemingly Content
If you’re happy and your girlfriend’s happy,
SASC, then I’m happy. Two people in a bad relationship can have plenty
of great sex; two people in a great relationship can have little sex or
no sex. Sex is a metric for assessing the health of a
relationship, but it’s not the only one. When two people come together
who love each other and are compatible sexually—which can mean a
shared interest in sex or a shared disinterest in sex—the angels
sing, SASC. All that matters, again, is that you’re both happy.
But are you happy, SASC? You say that you
are, and I’ll take your word for it, but there’s a lot of wiggle room
in the “mostly” in this sentence: “I am mostly okay with this.”
You owe it to yourself to determine if you are really and truly okay
with living without sex—and if the girlfriend is too.
I’ll add this to the debate
over the threat that gay people pose to marriage: A fag saved my
“opposite marriage.”
My wife and I had a huge argument about sex
after she rebuffed me one night. She was shouting that she couldn’t
stand the idea of me inside her because she felt like I was just
masturbating in her. I shouted that we could stop having vaginal
intercourse altogether for all I care because it was boring me, too,
and besides, there was lots of other stuff we could do. She screamed,
“Like what?!?” And I screamed, “Like oral! Masturbation! Role-playing!
Whatever kinky shit you want!” There was a pause, and we both started
laughing.
We took vaginal intercourse “off the menu”
that night. After three weeks of amazing, mind-blowing sex, she called
me at work and asked if I missed vaginal intercourse. I told her that I
did but that putting it back on the menu was entirely her call. She got
in the car and drove to my office, and we fucked in the stairwell.
Sometimes you help people you don’t even realize you’ve helped.
Married O And Newly Surging
You’re welcome, MOANS, and thanks for
sharing.
And speaking of marriage: Last week’s
decision by the California Supreme Court upholding Proposition 8 was
expected but, in the wake of so many recent victories, still saddening,
and I’m getting mail from lots of unhappy people. I’m unhappy about it,
too. But we have to remember that this is a long game, folks, and
despite this setback, we are winning. We’ve heard a lot about
Prop 8 over the last week, and we’re going to hear a lot about the
fight to overturn it over the coming months, but let’s not forget about
Proposition 22.
In 2000, California voters approved a law
banning same-sex marriage. It was a ballot initiative, like Prop 8, but
just a law, not a constitutional amendment. And it was that law, Prop
22, that the California Supremes struck down in 2008, in their historic
ruling legalizing same-sex marriage. And voters in 2000 approved Prop
22 by a 22-point margin. Eight years later, the same voters
approved Prop 8 by just four points. That’s an 18-point shift in
favor of marriage equality in just eight years. That’s extraordinary
progress. A loss is still a loss, and a loss sucks, but the trend is so
strongly in our favor that we cannot lose hope. The anti-gay bigots
know that they’re losing this debate, and it’s why they’re so hot to
amend state constitutions now, while they still can, while they
can still count on the votes of the old, the bigoted, and the easily
manipulated.
But they are losing and they know
it.
Gay marriage will be back to the ballot box
in California in 2010 or 2012, and voters are going to repeal Prop 8.
Fundamental civil rights should not be subject to a popular vote, of
course, and the California Supremes had an opportunity to reaffirm that
ideal. They chose not to, they buckled, and so gays and lesbians,
unlike other minority groups, face the challenge of securing our rights
at the ballot box. That seems like a daunting prospect until you recall
Prop 22 and compare its margin of victory to that of Prop 8. Again, we
witnessed an 18-point shift in favor of gay marriage in California in
just eight years. We can gain another two points in two. We just have
to stay in the fight and constantly remind ourselves and each
other—and Maggie Gallagher—that we are winning.
mail@savagelove.net