I am a 28-year-old straight
woman who has been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two months.
Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my couch.
The next day, as I went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on
the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I have come to the
conclusion that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality
and was located where his buttcrack region was placed during the
encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what shit smells
Okay, so the question: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
Is this normal for men? Can I talk to him about this? Should I? I would
like to be open and honest with him, but how do I even broach the
I suspect that he knows that shit stains are
an issue for him, because we were recently...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
All Subscriber Benefits
...but how do I even broach the
I suspect that he knows that shit stains are
an issue for him, because we were recently packing for a weekend trip
and he got upset when I went to fold/pack his underwear. He wouldn’t
let me handle the undies because he didn’t want me to “see any stains.”
I didn’t think anything of it, assuming that he left occasional skid
marks as some guys do, and I just made a joke about my period panties
and moved on. But now I am annoyed. He should have realized what had
happened when I blew him and at least tried to clean it up while I was
sleeping or otherwise occupied.
Is pooping on the couch a deal breaker? Or
can we be “cleaner” in the future and protect my bedding and furniture
Shit On Furniture Annoys Girl A Lot
Seeing as he’s aware that he has a
problem—he acknowledged as much when he kept his underwear out of
your hands—this straight boy, at the very least, should’ve
thought to spot-check your sofa after grinding his ass into it for the
duration of that blowjob. But you have to take some responsibility,
too, SOFAGAL. You encouraged this young man to plop his naked ass down
on your sofa and proceeded to engage in the kinds of behaviors that
would cause any man to (1) open his legs and (2) grind his ass into
whatever he happened to be sitting on. And where bare asses are set,
shit stains are always a possibility.
So I’d say you’re both at fault, SOFAGAL.
Knowing what he knows about his own ass, the boy should’ve eyeballed
your sofa and discreetly cleaned up after himself. But, again, shit
stains can happen when you allow a nude man to sit his bare ass on your
sofa, SOFAGAL, and commence blowing him. If I may invoke/resurrect a
Rumsfeldism: Prior to this incident, blowjob-related shit stains on the
sofa were, for you, an unknown unknown—something you
didn’t know you didn’t know—but in the wake of this incident,
shit stains are now a known known. And knowing what you now
know, SOFAGAL, you might consider placing a towel—might I suggest
a beige one?—on any sofa that you invite this man, or any other
man, to set his bare bottom on prior to blowing him.
Finally, SOFAGAL, how to broach the subject?
With a sense of humor. Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite
literally sometimes—and not just to men. Let him know that he
tagged your sofa—try to smile when you say it—and then head
to the nearest gay neighborhood to pick up some brown or beige bath
towels. And come on, how bad can it really have been if you didn’t
notice when your nose was down there?
My wife and I got into S&M
about two years ago, and it’s done a wonderful job of spicing up an
otherwise very vanilla marriage. It was the odd happy ending to the
usual doomed story of “husband who knows he’s submissive finally gets
courage to tell vanilla wife.” We’re constantly upping our
game—we went from pegging and D/s to flogging to hardcore
beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our
Now we’re looking into electrical play. Our
question is about cattle prods. Are they safe? We’ve seen a couple of
BDSM porn movies where a cattle prod gets used, but we have no idea if
these are prop cattle prods or the real deal. And are there any books
out there on safe electro-stim play?
Sub Needs Some Shocks
“Electric play is a great addition to BDSM,
but cattle prods are a bad choice as they’re not designed for use on
humans,” says David X, an electrical engineer who used to work in tech
but today designs e-stim products for Eros Tek. “There are several
reports of muscle injuries and even a few broken bones from
prod-induced involuntary muscle contractions,” David continues. “Burns
and nerve damage are also possible. There really isn’t any way to make
a cattle prod safe, but if you must, use it only below the waist and
make each shock as brief as possible. Make sure the submissive does not
have weight or tension on their limbs and has room for safe
And if you’re attached to your balls, SNSS,
and would like to remain attached to them, make sure they’re not tied
to anything. But, again, neither David nor I think you should use a
cattle prod at all. David has a bias, of course, and would prefer to
see you purchase something designed for use on humans—preferably
something designed by him—but your bias-free advice professional
strongly agrees with David: Invest in a product designed for use on
“The best devices for BDSM electric play are
made for that purpose,” says David. “They can deliver very intense
sensations while being much safer than a cattle prod. As for books,
you’re best off following the instructions that come with whatever
device you purchase. This is another advantage of the BDSM
products—they come with instructions for using them on humans
instead of cattle.”
I’m a 23-year-old straight
female. I have been friends with this guy for the past two and a half
years and would like to continue. Problem is he gets jealous (because
he has the hots for me, but I’m not interested) and a bit distant
whenever there is a boyfriend/date in the picture. I’m not sure if I
should approach him about this or not.
Just Friends Jealousy
Maintaining a friendship with a man who has
the “hots” for you when you’re not interested isn’t kind, JFJ, it’s
emotionally sadistic. Maybe it’s thoughtless sadism on your part, but
it’s sadism nonetheless. Because for as long as you’re hanging out with
him, JFJ, he’s going to delude himself into thinking that he has a
chance with you. And every time a potential boyfriend appears on the
horizon—someone for whom you do have the hots—he’s going to
realize, once again, that he’s a fool and, perhaps, being played for
one. (How many times has he helped you move?)
Your friendship, while a marvelous treasure
under most circumstances, is not a consolation prize for this guy. It’s
a torment. He doesn’t have the strength to cut you out of his
life—something that, if he’s reading, I would strongly advise him
to do—so you’re going to have to do it for him, JFJ. If you
don’t, well, you can’t claim that your sadism is thoughtless anymore.
It’s overt, conscious cruelty—”mean girl” bullshit. And if you’re
not careful, Garfunkel & Oates will write a song about you.