America’s longest-running sex-advice column!

Gays and Confused

Joe Newton

From the end of Roe to the assault on democracy to the climate crisis to the war on Ukraine, it’s all bad news, all the time, for everyone. But the monkeypox outbreak is an extra little helping of bad news specifically for gay and bi men. (More than 96% of monkeypox cases have been in gay and bisexual men.) Hey, faggots? If you have a rash or feel like you have swollen glands, stay home. And if you’re sexually active or hope to be soon, get the monkeypox vaccine at your earliest opportunity. In the meantime, here’s a column featuring all gay questions to remind us that gay life isn’t just freaking out about ingrown hairs. Sometimes it’s freaking out about your husband’s secret daddy and the shit ex-boyfriend you’re better off without…

– Dan

I’m a mid 50’s gay man, married to a man. We’ve been...

Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!

...17;m a mid 50’s gay man, married to a man. We’ve been together 30 years. We love each other and have built a great life together, but our sex life is so lackluster it’s nearly extinct. After years of trying to get my spouse to talk about our likes, wants, needs, and differences, and after years making suggestions about how or what we could do either together or apart to improve our sex life, I finally had enough and began having dalliances here and there. I encouraged him to pursue sexual satisfaction where he likes, but his response is always, “I couldn’t do that.” So, what’s the problem? I’ve always been drawn to Daddy/boy scenarios—it plays into my submissive tendencies—and I recently met a hot Daddy. We’ve been meeting up for six months, we’re both GGG, and the sex is awesome! But my spouse does not know about my relationship with Daddy. I would love for the two to meet, as I think they would enjoy each other’s sense of humor and personality, as they are both wonderful men. Is it possible to introduce them so that the three of us could be friends and maybe ease my spouse into opening things up? My spouse and I are both sub bottoms and my Daddy is a gentle Daddy Dom. Do I bring them together or do I keep these two relationships separate? Lusting After Daddy If what you’re seeking from me, LAD, is some way to tell your husband you’ve been fucking another man for six months without upsetting him, I can’t help you. He’s most likely going to be upset. Additionally, there’s no way to tell your husband about your recently acquired fuckbuddy without putting your vague DADT agreement at risk. Now, assuming your husband isn’t an idiot, LAD, he knows you’ve been having sex with other men. When you told him to pursue sexual satisfaction elsewhere, he must’ve known you planned to do (or were already doing) the same. But there’s a difference between knowing something because you kindasorta figured, LAD, and knowing something because you were justfucking told. And there’s a difference between having sex with other men—one-offs, one at a time—and having sex again and again with one man. (Which, during this monkeypox outbreak, is a far safer option for you and your husband than one-offs.) Sexual infidelity is one thing, emotional infidelity is another. But the odds your husband will leave you—after 30 years—seem slim. And even if he’s upset at first, who knows? If he’s open to meeting your boyfriend/daddyfriend once his anger dissipates, and if he’s attracted to your Daddy Dom and your Daddy Dom is attracted to him, a series of hot threesomes might revive your sexual connection with your husband. Things could also go from not great to truly terrible—you could wind up getting divorced—but things aren’t going to get better on the sexual front without a shakeup, LAD, and telling the truth is a pretty good way to shake things up. All that said, LAD, telling your husband, “I have a boyfriend, I’d like you to meet him, I think you two might click,” is a big risk and there are no backsies. I’m a 26-year-old gay man in Arizona. I was with my 38-year-old boyfriend for a year and a half. We were monogamous from the start but when we “laid our kink cards on the table” about six months in (I’m a longtime listener and reader), he “confessed” that he wanted to watch me get fucked by another guy. Or guys, plural. He brought it up literally every time we had sex for a year. Two weeks ago, I got on Grindr (with his okay) to see what was out there. I found a couple and showed him their photos. He was thrilled. We went over to their place, and it felt right, and they both fucked me in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend—who jerked off and came while watching me get fucked—had a complete meltdown after we left. He called me a bunch of names and accused me of enjoying it too much and broke up with me. I still have my own apartment, thank God, so I took some clothes and left. He says he wants a monogamous relationship now, but not with me because of what happened. I didn’t do anything he didn’t ask me to. I’m heartbroken and filled with regret and can’t stop crying. Was I supposed to fake hating it? Is there any way to salvage this? Wholly Heartbroken Over Relationship Ending There’s no way to salvage this, WHORE, but there are two ways of looking at it. What were you thinking? Everyone knows you shouldn’t have a threesome with two other men at your boyfriend’s request without first pausing to read your boyfriend’s mind. (Is this what he really wants?) And everyone knows that after reading your boyfriend’s mind, WHORE, you need to peer into the future to see how your boyfriend will react as this threesome unfolds in front of him. (A good boyfriend can always see the future.) If you had done those two simple things—read his mind, peered into the future—you’d be planning your wedding right now, WHORE, while your boyfriend continued to pester you about getting fucked by other men. What a close call! You found something out about your ex-boyfriend that you needed to know before you married him. He’s a mess. Be glad you found that out before you signed a lease, before you got married, and before you adopted a dog or a kid or fiddle-leaf fig. You found something out that you needed to know—something disqualifying about your ex-boyfriend—when getting out of this relationship was still relatively easy, logistically-speaking, even if it was emotionally devastating. And I can think of worse ways to find something like this out than by having great sex with two hot guys. Look at it this way: You took two dicks, you dodged one bullet. P.S. Odds are good you aren’t the first guy he’s pulled this kind of shit on, WHORE, and you won’t be the last. P.P.S. Give that couple a call and ask them if they’d like to have one regular third until this monkeypox business blows over. GWM. Southerner. Progressive Democrat in a red state. Long time reader and admirer of yours. My husband and I have a good life, jobs we like, vacations at gay destinations with friends, and supportive family connections. The flames of love and sex are still strong after many years of marriage. We know that we are very, very fortunate! When we met, we had both been single for several years. We were carrying a lot of religious baggage around with us, and we both had a few previous painful LTRs. But your recent column about gay men being less racist and discriminatory on apps made me LOL. You said it wasn’t okay to list, say, “no fats, no femmes, no Asians,” but it was okay to say, “no Republicans!” I was always kind and inclusive on the apps back when I was dating. I met and dated guys of many races, body types, incomes, etc. And all my ads said, “I’m open to anyone, but no Republicans!” I met a man at a leather bar. We talked, kissed, fucked, and fell for each other. When we first met, I did not know he was a Republican. After a few dates we were discussing jobs in more detail. I knew he was a lawyer. That night he “came out” to me as a Republican. I was in shock. Today, he is a Republican elected official (!) and I am his supportive spouse at Republican political events. And he is my supportive spouse at Democratic political events! We do not try to change each other. We listen and learn. We do not talk politics—which helps—and he got in trouble with some people for not supporting Trump. I am proud of him. And I would have missed out on the love of my life and years of happiness if I had stuck to “no Republicans.” Crazy how things worked out. Get Over Politics It’s advice, not binding arbitration. So, my readers aren’t obligated to put “NO REPUBLICANS” in their dating profiles. Likewise, no one is obligated to dump a Republican they accidentally started fucking. My readers aren’t even obligated not to be Republicans. All that said, GOP, while I’m sure your husband is a lovely guy in all other respects, and while I’m happy you’re happy, I couldn’t do what you’re doing. Or who you’re doing. If I found out a guy I was dating was a Republican and found out he hid that fact because he (rightly) assumed I wouldn’t touch him with my dick otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to swallow my anger. Or anything else. But you do you! (And him.) Not a question, just some heartfelt thanks. I’m a mid-40s gay man on the west coast. 11 years ago, at my doc’s suggestion, I got screened for HPV-related anal cancer. My test results returned not good. After some light chemo, a few surgeries, and years of vigilance, I’m safely disease-free. But after my first surgery, “Big Thunder Mountain” was closed for repairs for a few weeks. Instead of feeling “defective” and unavailable for my husband, we explored all the other rides in the amusement park. And we both learned there are all sorts of ways to have fun at the amusement park, even if your favorite ride is closed for repairs! And for that we have you to thank, Dan. You helped me use my words, and we both remembered your advice about being GGG and getting creative. My Anal Neoplasia Wasn’t A Death Sentence P.S. I’ve talked to all my gay male friends about getting screened for HPV-related anal cancer and support a few through their own treatments. In all cases, my own included, we were asymptomatic. Everyone should get tested. Thank you for writing, MANWADS, and I’m glad you’re fully recovered—and even if Big Thunder Mountain is open now, I hope you’re still enjoying all the other rides. P.S. Gay and bi guys: Take MANWADS advice and get screened for HPV-related anal cancer. If you’re under 46 and weren’t vaccinated against HPV in childhood, get vaccinated against HPV now. And get the monkeypox vaccine as soon as you can and get boosted for COVID right now and get on PrEP and call your mother and floss your teeth and wash your sheets and slide into Randy Rainbow’s DMs and send him a dick pic. He just got his fourth Emmy nomination (congrats, Randy!), but when he came on my podcast he said that what he really wants are some unsolicited dick pics in his DMs. questions@savagelove.net Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Columns, podcasts, books, merch and more at savage.love.

Comments on Gays and Confused