A friend hooked me up with a much younger guy for weed. Let’s call him “Pretty Boy.” He knew something about me—Pretty Boy had been to a party at my house—and I knew something about him: he’s a burner, like our mutual. Consent is supposed to be a core burner value and before we hook up, Pretty Boy asks if he can bring his paddles. So, we had a talk and I tell him I’m open to a little pain, but I’m mostly meh about it. (Except love bites. I love me some love bites.) Long story short: Pretty Boy thinks he’s a great fuck cuz he’s got a great big one and can pound long and hard. My pussy ain’t been touched in almost three years but so far as I know “OUCH” is the universal safe word! Maybe I should’ve picked a better...
Pound for Pound
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...e picked a better one because I had to say it so many times! I figured it was heat of the moment stuff, so I wasn’t mad, and agreed to hook up again. Much more OUCH, but on both sides this time. (Love bites!) Next day I’m figuring out how to manage this. I find a thing called an Ohnut and I tell Pretty Boy I’m willing to plunk down the money. Whatever it takes to make his PIV pounding less OUCH. And then we have this conversation: Sore Lady: “So, surely this has happened before, yes?” Pretty Boy: “Of course it has. LOL.” Now I’m mad. This motherfucker knew! He did it on purpose! I ask him point blank if he got off on it and he won’t answer. Which means he did. Now I want to set him on fire. But here’s the thing: Pretty Boy is the finest thing I’ve ever had the pleasure of putting my hands on in my entire life. I warned him that I have a history of channeling my rage into intricate revenge plots, most too crazy to carry out. I did rat him out to the dude who hooked us up. As for Pretty Boy, I could tell him to sit down, shut up, and hear my truth, but I already delivered that message. (See: OUCH.) I should probably slam the door and lock it, but he is the finest thing! And I’ve never had a hookup that wasn’t a little bit sketchy. But this is too much, right? RIGHT? Boys Are Supposed To Ask Right, Dan? P.S. I didn’t even cum either time! So, Pretty Boy doesn’t care if you come or not, he ignores your feedback during sex, and he engages in rough sex knowing it’s sometimes painful—in a bad way—for his sex partners. Fuck that guy. By which I mean, of course, don’t fuck that guy. But you’re obviously tempted to fuck that guy again, BASTARD, as you make clear in your letter. (A letter I spent an hour editing for, um, clarity.) You wanna fuck Pretty Boy again because he’s the “finest thing” you’ve ever gotten to touch. Pretty Boy is so hot, BASTARD, that you’re tempted to fuck him despite wanting to set him on fire—in a bad way—after you spoke to him about the sex being painful. Look, BASTARD, having a hot FWB is great, but having a hot FWB—or boyfriend or girlfriend or enbyfriend—who’s a shitty, selfish, inconsiderate lover is a lot like owning a house with an amazing view that happens to be right next door to a trash incinerator. Sooner or later you get used to the view and start taking it for granted, BASTARD, and the only thing you really notice after that is the stench. Still, if you’re inclined to extend Pretty Boy the benefit of the doubt, BASTARD, it wouldn’t be hard to whip one up. He’s young! It’s entirely possible all the women he’s fucked up to this point in his short life liked his style, i.e., long and hard pounding! It’s also possible the woman he’s fucked hated his style and, like you, hoped Pretty Boy would hear “OUCH,” stop, solicit their feedback, and correct course. Seeing that’s not something he’s either able or inclined to do, you’re gonna have to use your words and the actual leverage you have over him—your pussy, not your mutuals—to get him to fuck you without physically hurting you. If he wants back in your pussy, tell him he has do it/things/you differently. More foreplay, going slower, using lube, not going all the way in (with or without an Ohnut)—whatever he needs to do to make sex more comfortable and pleasurable for you, that needs to be a clearly-stated (by you!) and enforced (ditto!) condition of him getting anywhere near your pussy ever again. And if he laughs it off, BASTARD, set him on fire*. P.S. What happened to the paddles? I’m a cis woman in a relationship with a cis man for eight years. The sex is fantastic, mostly because we prioritize connection, play and pleasure rather than penetration or orgasms, though we have plenty of both. My partner lasts a long time and only comes about a third of the time. About half the time we do PIV he outlasts both my own orgasm and the lube, meaning that I’ll stop things when the friction becomes painful and he’ll either finish outside of me or won’t come at all. These options work for us and the sex is consistently great! The dilemma is that we’ve decided to start trying to conceive, which requires him to come inside me. I’m worried that the emphasis on this one act will put so much pressure on him that sex will become less fun. I’m also worried it will make ejaculation even more difficult. Do you have any suggestions on how to make this more playful? Maybe a suggestion on how to get the lube to last longer? Is there a way to eroticize the whole process more? Or is subpar sex just an inevitable part of trying to conceive? Conception Really Impeding My Pleasures Subpar sex while you’re trying to conceive kindasorta comes with the territory, CRIMP, and it may be the least of your worries. I realize that serious complications are the last thing a woman who’s actively trying to conceive wants to think about, CRIMP, but I’m reading horror stories out of red states right now. Credible, reported-out stories in papers like the New York Times about women who wanted to be pregnant but needed abortions due to ectopic pregnancies (which the fetus implants outside the uterus), women who needed abortions because they had a miscarriage and some of the fetal tissue remained behind, and women whose lives were placed at risk because doctors were waiting for approval from management or lawyers before administering necessary care. So, here’s hoping you and your partner conceive easily, don’t experience any complications, and get all the care you might need during your wanted pregnancy, which could include (sadly, in the case of a wanted pregnancy) abortion care. Which is just a long way of saying, “I hope you two live in a blue state.” As for eroticizing your efforts to conceive… I can think of three ways to do that, CRIMP, right off the top of my head. If your partner is aroused by the idea of impregnating you—putting his seed in you, putting a baby in you—then you could lean into that with some dirty talk during sex. If your partner has subby tendencies, order him to come only with permission. If you’re tracking your fertility, only give him permission to come when you’re ovulating; otherwise, it’s orgasms for you and orgasm denial for him. (Do you live in a red state? Don’t track your ovulation on an app, CRIMP, as an out of control forced-birth prosecutor could subpoena that data should you have a miscarriage.) And if your partner can make himself come reliably when he masturbates, don’t let that load go to waste. Put a turkey baster by the nightstand and, if you’re in the house, have him bring it to you immediately, lesbian-style. When I listen to the Savage Lovecast, there are callers that you can tell are talking live, their question or comment is total stream-of-consciousness, and at other times it sounds like your callers are reading from a script. Do people write a script for their calls? Do you reach out to people when you find one you want to use and have them re-record it for clarity/or make it sound better? Savage Callers Reading Into Phones Totally Suss I don’t usually take questions about the podcast in the column and vice-versa, SCRIPTS, but there’s a little extra room on the Internet today: Some callers ad-lib their questions, some callers write them down. I prefer the ad-libbed questions, or stream-of-consciousness calls, as they sound less, well, scripted than calls from people who are reading their questions. But some people are nervous about asking a question (or making their comment), and writing it down helps them organize their thoughts, SCRIPTS, and helps them keep their questions under three minutes, which is how Nancy (the Lovecast’s producer) likes it. Straight Rights Watch: Last week the House of Representatives approved a bill—now headed to the Senate—to protect the right of every American to use contraceptives. Only eight Republicans voted for it; 195 Republicans voted against it. They really do want to take your birth control away, kids, just like Clarence Thomas said in Dobbs. We’ve already seen workers at Walgreens refusing to sell condoms to straight couples because the workers believe sex should always be open to conception, even sex they aren’t personally having. If these motherfuckers get their way you’re gonna be left with the pull-out method**. And at the rate we’re going I could see the same assholes who wouldn’t sell you condoms in 2022 kicking down your bedroom door in 2032 and pushing you back in just when you were ready to pull out. Because it says right there in their bible that Jesus doesn’t want you spilling your seed on the ground—or on the floor or on the face or anywhere else. *Figuratively and reputationally. **And anal and oral and outercourse and mutual masturbation and cyber and sex toys. But you get my point. And a quick shout-out to all my Canadian readers who don’t have to worry about this shit. Yet. firstname.lastname@example.org Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Columns, podcasts, books, merch and more at savage.love.