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The weekly sex advice column that started it all

That Husband Over There

Joe Newton

I’m a 36-year-old married woman who fantasizes about her husband of 10 years being intimate with other women. This isn’t a new thing for me. I’ve fantasized about this for years, but we’ve never acted on it. He is intrigued but afraid that it might somehow damage our relationship. But I’ve done some research on it and it’s something I’m eager to try. (With my husband’s consent, of course!) But in all my research, I’ve found different and sometimes conflicting definitions of what it means to be a “cuckquean.” I’m interested in watching my husband pleasure and be pleasured by another woman in a purely physical way. I’m not interested in being “cheated on.” No flirty texts, no unsanctioned coffee dates. I’ve read accounts of women who are turned on by the humiliation and insecurity of their partner being with others, often women the...

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...rs, often women the husband knows “in real life,” either through work or through social life. In my case, I would rather my husband not even know the name of the other woman. And he would only be able to sleep with her with my consent and I would want to be “in control” of the situation. So, what does that make me? Do cuckqueans come in all different proclivities? I feel like the end result is the same—my partner bedding someone else—but my motivation is different than what I’ve seen. What The Cuck Am I? “The scenario WTCAI describes sounds more like hotwifing with the gender roles reversed than cuckolding,” said Venus, host of The Venus Cuckoldress Podcast. “She’s interested in hothusbanding!” Let’s quickly define terms: a man into hotwifing enjoys “sharing” his wife with other men, WTCAI, and a woman into hot husbanding enjoys “sharing” her husband with other women. (All this sharing, of course, is consensual.) Cuckolds, on the other hand, aren’t sharing their wives. They’re being “cheated on” by their wives. And cuckqueans aren’t sharing their husbands. They’re being “cheated on” by their husbands. Cuckolds and cuckqueans, by definition, don’t just wanna see their spouses fucking another person, they also want their partners to humiliate and degrade them. (I put “cheated on” in quotes because the “cheating” is consensual and symbolic; likewise, “sharing” is in quotes above because spouses aren’t property.) “But cuckolding and hotwifing have a really wide spectrum of practices and dynamics,” said Venus. “Some cucks are submissive and get into degradation and some cucks really aren’t subs or into degradation at all. I don’t see why hothusbanding/cuckqueaning can’t be just as varied. Humiliation, submission, and degradation don’t have to be involved!” Venus is right: there are guys out there who call themselves cuckolds but aren’t subs and don’t wanna be humiliated or degraded. But I would argue that these guys aren’t cuckolds, WTCAI, just as I would argue that you aren’t a cuckquean. We have lots of words to describe letting your partner fuck other people—open, monogamish, swinging, mate-swapping, hotwifing, hothusbanding, stag and vixen, CNM—but we only have one word to describe letting your partner fuck other people while getting off on being humiliated and degraded: cuckolding. And since most people understand cuckolding to involve humiliation and degradation, telling someone you’re a cuckold when you’re not into those things is like telling someone you’re a power bottom when you don’t like anal or telling someone you’re into impact play when you don’t like having your ass so much as tapped. It confuses rather than clarifies. What’s worse, tell someone you’re a cuckold/cuckquean and they might start degrading you while they’re fucking your partner, which would ruin everything for everybody. As for setting up a sex date for your husband with an anonymous woman, Venus had a practical suggestion. “There are a lot more men out there looking for casual sex than there are women,” said Venus, “which makes WTCAI’s fantasy difficult to pull off. But I know a woman whose wife wanted to be blindfolded and then have a group of women come in—all strangers to her—and go down on her. Not an easy fantasy to pull off either! So, they hired a sex worker to facilitate things and it was amazing. Perhaps this would be an ideal solution—hiring a sex worker—because then WTCAI would be in total control.” Finally, WTCAI, re-reading your letter just now… it sounds to me like what you really wanna do is… whore your husband out. It’s an expression I’ve heard gay men use to describe setting up an anonymous encounter for their boyfriends or husbands. You find someone you wanna see fuck your husband—taking care to find someone your husband would wanna fuck—and give your husband enough notice (to prep) but no “choice” (symbolically). Cuckolds and cuckqueans are subs and a sub can “top from below,” as the saying goes, but at least officially a cuck doesn’t have the power. Someone who’s whoring his husband out, on the other hand, has all the power. And that’s what you want, right? Follow Venus on Twitter @CuckoldressV, and check out her podcast, blog, dating advice, and more at www.venuscuckoldress.com. I am a woman married to a man. Many years ago, I told him that I was attracted to a mutual friend of ours. He encouraged me to explore my bisexual side, and I ended up in a sexual relationship with this woman for several years. My husband and I were always open and honest but weren’t ready to formally open our relationship beyond that situation. My marriage is now the strongest it has ever been, and as a result both of us have a lot of trust in the other. We both want each other to have sexual adventures. However, if someone found out about this, my job would be on the line. How does one go about finding sexual partners when you’re monogamish but closeted? Relatedly, I set up my husband with a good friend of mine, and they’ve had sex a couple of times. Since it’s hard for us to find other partners, I want to encourage them to continue having fun, but it is tricky to set boundaries around this so that I don’t feel like their play is usurping my friendship tie. How can we make this situation work for all involved? Keeping It Safe & Savvy A friend, neighbor, or colleague might spot you on hookup app, KISS, so there’s the potential risk of gossip. There’s also the potential reward of hot sex with a friend, neighbor, or colleague. Another potential risk: If you were to meet a stranger (after vetting them) and you didn’t want to see them again (after fucking them) and that person turned out to be a vindictive piece of shit (as some people do), you could wind up being outed. But what are the odds? A huge number of people are seeking sex online at any given moment (hundreds of millions at least) while a much smaller number of revenge porn horror stories have made the news over the years (low thousands at most). Now, we don’t hear every revenge porn horror story, of course, and low odds don’t make the experience any less devastating for a person who was outed by a vindictive shit, but the actual risk seems low. (Also, most victims of revenge porn were outed by exes, not casual sex partners or people they swapped a few dirty photos with on a hookup app. It’s boyfriends and husbands women need to worry about most, KISS, not strangers on the Internet.) All that said, KISS, if you could wind up losing your job because some asshole sent some screengrabs to your boss or your board, then seeking casual sex partners where you live may be too risky. Changing your settings to a nearby town and fucking around on your next business trip might be safer, at least where gossip is concerned, and someone who knows you’re only visiting won’t expect to see you again. Or maybe your husband could hook you up with a friend of his, KISS, or the friend you hooked up with your husband can hook you up with a friend of hers. (You whored your husband out with some success—can’t he return the favor?) And if you’re worried your husband and your friend’s sexual connection might eventually eclipse your friendship, KISS, say something to both of them about that now. If your friend enjoys sleeping with your husband, she’s won’t wanna fuck that up for herself by neglecting you. Likewise, if your husband enjoys sleeping with your friend, he won’t want to fuck that up for himself by hogging her. And while you’re having conversations, KISS, you should talk about how you’ll handle things if/when they stop sleeping together. Maybe they’ll come to a mutual and simultaneous decision to end things, but it’s likelier that one will end things first and someone will have hurt feelings. Or you might wanna pull the plug yourself at some point. Whatever happens, pledging to be generous and patient and kind if/when it ends doesn’t guarantee that everyone will do those things, KISS, but having that conversation now—and making those pledges now—significantly ups the chances that everyone will at least try. questions@savagelove.net Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Columns, podcasts, books, merch and more at savage.love.