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Joe Newton

I recently split from a committed, monogamous, extremely long-term relationship. I’m now exploring the dating scene as someone who has never dated online prior to this year. I’m a woman with kids, and I’m not looking for another parent. I want to keep things casual. I haven’t had any boyfriends yet, just a couple of regular dicks. I keep getting pissed at my regular dicks for making me feel like I’m not the most important thing in their lives, which is kind of the whole point of keeping things casual. Do you have any slutting advice?

Divorced And Meeting People

Do I have any slutting advice? Oh, honey. There’s 30 years’ worth of advice for sluts in the archives of Savage Love and the Savage Lovecast. But here’s a little slutty advice just for you…

Casual relationships are still relationships, DAMP. So, even if...

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...tty advice just for you… Casual relationships are still relationships, DAMP. So, even if you’re not the most important thing in the life of some man whose dick you’re sitting on regularly—and you know it and you’re keeping your expectations and demands in check—you shouldn’t be made to feel like the least important thing in his life either. If a guy can’t be considerate, if he can’t be respectful (of your time) and grateful (for your pussy), stop sitting on that dick. Even if the dick is spectacular, DAMP, go find another seat. Because being kind to a sex partner—casual or committed, regular or irregular—is a very low bar, DAMP, and you shouldn’t put up with men who can’t be bothered to clear it. That said, DAMP, sometimes a person needs a nudge. Some people worry a casual sex partner will mistake kindness for romantic interest and are performatively inconsiderate to avoid confusion (instead of using their words); others have actually had casual sex partners mistake kindness for romantic interest and are overcorrecting (instead of using their words). So, if one of your regular dicks is being ungrateful or unkind, use your words. Make it clear to him that you wanna keep things casual but that you expect to be treated with kindness and consideration. Good (or good enough) guys will show you more consideration going forward, DAMP, and guys who aren’t good (or aren’t good enough) will show you their asses—they’ll make no effort to be more considerate—and you shouldn’t put up with (or sit down on) those dicks. Finally, DAMP, while kindness and consideration are perfectly reasonable expectations where casual sex partners are concerned, endless conversations to process your feelings are not. So, I would advise you to confide in a trusted friend or two about your frustrations before you confront one of your regular dicks about something that’s bothering you. Are you pissed about something that you, as a casual sex partner, have a right to be pissed about? Or are you pissed about something that you don’t have a right to be pissed about? If he’s flaking on you at the last minute or treating you like a cum dump (no small talk, no aftercare), you have a right to be pissed. Those are things you can confront a dick about. If he hasn’t been able to see you for a while because he’s busy (one of the top reasons people seek casual sex partners) or if he ended things because you wanted to keep things casual and he wanted something serious, you don’t have a right to be pissed about that. Those are things you vent to a friend about. P.S. Get tested regularly, insist on condoms, make sure these dicks know your kids are your first priority, make sure kids are your first priority, don’t take it personally when a casual sex partner moves on, be the kind of casual sex partner you want to see in the world (be kind and considerate yourself), and when you’re ready for a relationship again, DAMP, don’t rule out guys you’ve been seeing casually. I don’t know if you’re watching the second season of The White Lotus, Dan, but you’ll get this reference if you are: I’m a married straight woman who recently got herself a personal trainer. My husband cheated on me on and off for the first decade of our marriage. He agreed to see a marriage counselor with me, and he pretended that the cheating was tied to a deep-seated psychological issue. He may have believed that. Our counselor certainly believed it, and for a while I did too. But the cheating never stopped. It’s been a few years since I’ve had sex with him, but I don’t want to leave him because we have kids, and our relationship is actually pretty loving and low conflict now that we’re not fighting about cheating. (It also helps that I don’t have to worry about getting gonorrhea from him ever again.) The kids need me less these days, so I got a personal trainer about a year ago. I don’t feel guilty or bad about it. But I somehow feel both guilty and bad for not feeling guilty or bad. What is that about? Abundant Personal Training First and most importantly, APT, of course I’m watching the second season of The White Lotus. Mike White is a genius, I can’t wait for the finale, but I never want it to end. (Here’s hoping Cameron and Ethan at least make out before one or both or neither of them dies.) Moving on… You shouldn’t feel bad about seeking sex elsewhere—excuse me, for seeking personal training elsewhere—but you already know that. And if you’re feeling bad about not feeling bad… well, that’s most likely because sessions with your personal trainer aren’t just about personal training. They’re about that, of course, but they’re also about your marriage. Your marriage isn’t what you expected it would be, APT, and now you aren’t someone you expected to be—you know, the kind of woman who has a personal trainer. So, I don’t think you’re feeling guilty and bad for not feeling guilty or bad. I think you’re feeling grief (for what your marriage was supposed to be) and relief (at making peace with your marriage as it is). Enjoy those sessions, APT, you’ve earned them. I’ve just started wearing a metal cock cage and want to wear it for longer and longer periods of time. How do men in chastity devices get through airports? Do they think about security? Can’t Ask Google Everything “No man who wears a chastity device doesn’t think about security lines at airports,” said SeattleLocked, a man who wears a chastity device. “And us guys in chastity pretty much fall into two camps. There are those who do not wish to pull others into their kink, and there are those who do not give a fuck.” SeattleLocked, who currently falls into the “do not pull others in” camp, has been into chastity devices and orgasm denial for as long as his dick has been getting hard, but he’s gone through airport security locked and unlocked. “If you don’t want to pull other guys into your kink, you organize removal before and re-installation after security,” said SeattleLocked. “If you don’t give a fuck, you happily submit to be strip-searched in that weird little booth while smirking at the TSA dudes.” Basically, CAGE, a locked guy is given the key to his chastity device before he goes through security, slips into a bathroom to remove the device, slips it into the bag he’s taking through security, and then immediately heads to a bathroom after security to lock himself back up—ideally under the close supervision of his keyholder, to make sure he isn’t tempted to rub one out prior to boarding. Now, there’s a good chance a bag containing a male chastity device will wind up being searched after it’s x-rayed, of course, but by this point in time—more than 20 years after the creation of the Transportation Safety Administration—every TSA agent has seen a male chastity device (in a bag, on a dick), heard about them, or worn one. (TSA agents are people, some people are kinky, some kinky people are TSA agents.) “Modern technology also offers personalized high-tech polycarbonate options, as an alternative to steel or titanium chastity devices,” said SeattleLocked, “and those cages make sailing through security a breeze—if you’re TSA-Pre.” People who have completed the TSA-Precheck process pass through simple metal detectors, and a plastic or polycarbonate chastity device won’t set off a metal detector. People who haven’t completed the TSA-Precheck process have to go step inside those “full-body scanners,” which are designed to detect any object, metal or otherwise, hidden under a person’s clothing… by creating a digital image of a person’s body sans clothing. So, it’s not just locked guys in the don’t give a fuck camp who get strip-searched at the airport. Those guys may be getting literally strip-searched by actual humans in the privacy of a weird little booth, but the rest of us are getting virtually strip-searched by millimeter wave scanners in front of God and everybody else at the airport. SeattleLocked is on Recon at www.recon.com/SeattleLocked. (And, no, SeattleLocked is not me and I am not SeattleLocked, which will be clear when you check out his pics on Recon.) Send Dan your question to mailbox@savage.love

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