When I first got engaged to my wife, I tried to ease into a conversation about cuckolding, but it went poorly. I tried to broach the subject by telling her monogamy wasn’t a requirement for me and she got upset. She thought I wanted to have sex with other women. I do not. I reassured her of that fact and dropped the subject, but she still doesn’t believe me. Whenever she’s feeling insecure, she brings up that conversation from five years ago. I don’t know you at all and this is anonymous, so I have no reason to lie: I do not want to have sex with women other than my wife. I want her to have sex with other men. I want to be her cuckold. I want her to cheat on me. I have seen some married men online who are living the life I dream...
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...are living the life I dream about (if the stuff they post about being cuckolds is true). I get depressed knowing some men have what I want. How did they get it? How do I get it? Do I risk raising the subject of monogamy again?
Difficulties Renegotiating Expectations Around Monogamy
I got on Twitter—perhaps for the last time—to track down one of the guys you mentioned, DREAM, i.e., one of the guys living the life you dream about and posting the proof all over his social media accounts. His handle on Twitter is @CyclicCycle, DREAM, his wife’s handle is @Miss_On_Top. He managed to get what you want. So, how did he get it? And how can you?
“The short answer: With a lot of communication, literature, podcasts, and patience,” said Cycle.
Cycle was never a jealous person. If anything, he was the opposite of jealous. “Even before cuckolding was integrated into my mental lexicon,” said Cycle, “things like other guys hitting on my girlfriend or buying her drinks were huge turn-ons for me.”
Eventually Cycle met the woman who would become his wife, and while they enjoyed a varied and pretty kinky sex life, cuckolding wasn’t always a part of it. But when Cycle decided to broach the subject, DREAM, he was honest and direct—in other words, DREAM, he didn’t make the mistake you did. He didn’t speak about non-monogamy generally, but about his emerging interest in cuckolding specifically. He didn’t ease into the conversation, he jumped in.
“Now, it wasn’t a massive stretch to get to cuckolding from our already kinky lifestyle,” said Cycle. “And while I think it helped that we approached the topic more from a kink perspective than a non-monogamous perspective at first, even then we also didn’t go from zero to 60 in an instant.”
When you look at the social media accounts of guys who are in successful cuckold relationships—when you beat off looking at their accounts—you need to remember that you’re seeing their most recent posts first. Meaning, you’re seeing where they arrived, DREAM, and not where they started.
You brought up non-monogamy, not cuckolding, and somehow thought your wife would take you from zero to 60, i.e., you thought your wife would hear you say “non-monogamy” and instead of thinking what most people would when their partner broached the subject of non-monogamy (“He wants to fuck other people!”), DREAM, you hoped your wife would either react so positively you felt you could pivot to your non-monogamy-adjacent kink (“I want you to fuck other people!”) or even that she might leap to the opposite of the likeliest conclusion (“He wants me to fuck other people!?!”). And that is 1. not how it works and 2. not how you get what you want.
“I recall discussing with my wife that we could make up our own rules, and build our own a la carte dynamic,” said Cycle, “which made her feel much more comfortable. It also didn’t hurt that chastity was already part of our kink repertoire. We eventually progressed to a more traditional FLR/Cuckolding dynamic, but we allowed it time to develop organically.” (FLR = “female-led relationship.”)
Cycle’s wife had a lot of reservations about opening up their relationship, DREAM, even though they were only opening things up—per Cycle’s desires—on her side. So, they started out slow with a lot of fantasy play and dirty talk before moving on to low-stakes/light-hearted/baby-step “first dates” with other men. Only after they both felt comfortable with the cuckold dynamic in theory did the move on to cuckolding—Cycle’s wife having sex with other men—in actual practice.
And it wasn’t just about what Cycle wanted for himself, DREAM, but about what Cycle wanted for his wife and, more importantly, about what his wife wanted for herself.
“When my wife and I first started dating I had already had significantly more partners,” said Cycle. “So, one of the most genuine things I wanted for my wife was for her to have more experiences with other partners. Suffice to say, cuckolding for us, is much more about fulfilling her wants, needs, and desires.”
Follow Cycle on Twitter @CyclicCycle.
My partner and I have known each other for 10 years. We fell madly in love, had a rich erotic and sexual relationship, and have explored ethical non-monogamy together. In the past year there was a shift—a lessening of passion that I mistakenly attributed to a lack of desire for me. Then my wife started seeing a therapist, which subsequently brought her Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) to the surface. Previously she was able to keep it hidden; she only occasionally let on that she was unhappy with herself. We had been seeing a therapist together to discuss the ENM aspect of our relationship, but she asked me not to bring her BDD into these sessions. Recently, she decided it was too painful to continue. We have had two private conversations about it, and in the last one she took PIV off the table. Being seen or touched naked is just too painful/shameful for her. In-depth relationship communication is not a strength for us—based partly on the shame, pain, and guilt over this disorder, as well as other cumulative traumas from her past. We love each other very much and I have committed to being a strong and supportive partner. Based on this limited information, Dan, can you offer suggestions to help me manage this challenge? I don’t want to make things worse or create more problems, but I want my lover back.
Lamenting Over Sorrowful Times
You haven’t lost your lover. She’s still in your life and you’re still having some kind of sex—I mean, I assume you’re still having some kind of sex. You specifically mention your partner taking PIV off the table, LOST, along with… well, along with any other kind of sexual contact that requires her to be seen and/or touched naked, which wouldn’t leave a lot on the table. But I have to assume something was left on the table, LOST, however meagre, otherwise you would’ve said your partner cut off all sexual contact. But you didn’t say that… so I’m going to assume that hasn’t happened… at least not yet.
Your partner clearly has a lot of work to do in therapy, LOST, and you can be supportive while also being clear about your own needs/expectations/hopes for your future together… a future where you hope to reconnect sexually. If your partner isn’t comfortable talking about your reasonable needs/expectations/hopes in any depth—or if she experiences your reasonable needs/expectations/hopes as coercive—taking a break from your relationship while she does the work may be in her own best interests.
Why—why, why, why—do young cis gay dudes insist on calling their assholes “cunts” and “pussies” these days? I heard you talking about this on your podcast. As a woman with an actual vagina, I find this incredibly offensive and want it to STOP.
Your Assholes NOT Of Pussies’ Equal
Back when I was a young cis gay dude, YANOPE, most young cis gay dudes objected—vociferously—to any suggestion that their assholes resembled, in form or function, women’s pussies. And most didn’t want their assholes associated with female genitalia because they thought lady parts were disgusting and, even worse, they didn’t care who knew it. Now, young gay men are much better about vulvas and vaginas—some even fuck/date/marry other gay and bi men who have vulvas and vaginas—and they don’t care who knows it. So, what I’m basically saying here, YANOPE, is pick your poison: cis gay dudes who think pussy is icky and gross and will angrily reject any comparison/association or cis gay dudes who think pussy is powerful and amazing and will happily make the comparison/association themselves. The choice seems obvious to me.
P.S. It has been my experience—ahem—that younger gay men mostly do the thing you’re complaining about during sex. They don’t do it during Zoom meetings or when they’re having dinner with their lesbian pals. So, I don’t see how this impacts you. Even if it did, YANOPE, you can’t control what other people say during sex—with the exception of people you’re having sex with—and attempting to dictate terms is a waste of time.
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