Didn’t Happen

...eks to get over it and to accept that my wife needed this black man in her life and bed. No way was I going to divorce her because then I would have to explain the reason why our 15-year marriage was ending. So, now I have no option but to admit I am a cuckold. My question is: Is this normal and common? Cuckolding Has Upended Marital Parameters It’s not normal, it’s not common — and it didn’t happen. Oh, you might be a cuckold, CHUMP, and you might have a wife and your wife might have a lover who might be a Black man that she might’ve met a work. But if you’re lucky enough to be living the version of the cuckold dream that appeals to you most — cuckolding with a racial overlay — it didn’t come together the way you described. Lots of wannabe cucks fantasize about their wives turning them into cuckolds against their wills, e.g., the husband gets presented with a fait accompli — the wife has taken a lover and won’t give him up, she has the upper hand and divorce isn’t an option, the husband has no choice but to accept his fate — but no man has ever become a cuckold like that. That’s how it happens in cuckold fantasies, CHUMP, but in cuckold realities, men who are living their cuck dreams had to beg their wives to fuck other men, sometimes for years, before their wives finally started fucking other men. (To be clear: I’m talking about men with cuckold fetishes here not men whose wives have slept with other men. The former are cuckolds with cuckold fantasies, the latter are men who have been cuckolded.) When a married woman is fucking a neighbor or a coworker or her husband’s best friend or all of the above with the consent of a husband who has embraced being a cuckold… yeah, his consent wasn’t reluctantly given; it wasn’t extracted from him under duress, it wasn’t an offer he couldn’t refuse, and it wasn’t her idea. It was his idea. A wannabe cuckold’s wife may have warmed to the idea over time — she might’ve come to love it and can’t imagine going back — but it was his fantasy, not hers. So, nice letter CHUMP, total bullshit, hope you enjoyed the wank. Now, I’d like to zoom out for a second… There are lots of straight white men out there with cuckold fantasies that include problematic racialized elements, like CHUMP’s here. (Interestingly, gay men with cuckold fantasies are a lot less likely to care about the race of their husband’s other sex partners.) I’m sure a lot of my Black readers were offended by CHUMP’s letter and a lot of my white readers were offended on behalf of my Black readers. (Bracing myself for the outraged emails.) But I have to say… there are Black men out there who enjoy being fetishized by white male cucks because it turns them on, too. And if you don’t believe me when I say there are Black men who 1. enjoy fucking the white wives of white cuckolds and 2. either don’t mind being objectified in this way or really and truly get off on it, well, maybe you’ll believe these podcasters and porn stars and content creators. With that said… There’s something about CHUMP’s fantasy that strikes me as… well, a lot more fucked up than most cuck fantasies with racialized elements. He’s not just aroused by stereotypes about Black male sexuality — power, size, prowess — that some Black men also find arousing and enjoy exploring with white couples who see them not just as objects, but also as three-dimensional human beings with needs, feelings, fantasies, and inner lives of their own. No, CHUMP is turned on by the idea of being trapped (common cuck fantasy) in his marriage because the whole world would find out his wife was fucking a Black man if he left her — because where he lives men who divorce their wives are required to post their real reasons on at least three billboards outside of town — and people knowing his wife fucked a Black man would be so obviously humiliating (according to CHUMP) that he has no choice but to stay. CHUMP doesn’t present this as something fucked up about his fantasy that he enjoys toying with; no, this seems to be how he really feels. Blech. If I were a Black man, I wouldn’t fuck CHUMP’s wife (assuming she exists) if that was how he truly felt about Black men fucking his wife. But I’m not a Black man — or a straight man — and Black men are allowed to make their own choices about whose wives they wanna fuck. I’m a 34-year-old cis bi guy who recently moved to Colorado after getting out of a rocky, dead-bedroom marriage of nine years. As part of this big life transition, I decided to work up the courage to hire a professional mommy domme to live out my ABDL fantasies for the first time. You can’t believe my surprise when I discovered that one of the local dommes is my former high school girlfriend. We were together for a little less than a year in the state where we grew up together before we parted ways to go to college. We haven’t kept up with each other since. Dan, she’s super hot and does ABDL sessions, and I can’t think of anybody who I would trust more for my first time visiting a sex worker. I also worry that she would find it super fucking weird to get a session request from an ex-boyfriend from high school. Should I contact her? Or should I look somewhere else and let her do her thing in peace? Anxiously Babbling Divorced Lad I ran your question by Mistress Matisse, a sex worker with decades of experience, a tireless advocate for the rights of sex workers, and a friend of mine for more decades than I feel comfortable assigning a number to. “It’s been over 10 years since they graduated, everyone is a grown up now,” said Mistress Matisse. “Obviously, he needs to be honest and say, ‘I feel like this could be a great and safe experience for us both. But if you feel like this is too weird, I understand and I won’t contact you again. I also won’t tell any possible mutual acquaintances about your career, which I have the utmost respect for.’ And he should abide by her decision and stick to those promises.” Your ex most likely knows other sex workers in your area who provide similar services — there’s a lot of solidarity among sex workers — so, even if she doesn’t feel comfortable booking a session with you herself, ABDL, she might be able to refer you to a colleague. The more consideration and tact you demonstrate when you contact your ex, the likelier she is to refer you to a trusted friend if she doesn’t feel comfortable diapering you herself. (Feel free to copy and paste Mistress Matisse’s suggested language!) Follow Mistress Matisse on Twitter and BlueSky @MistressMatisse. I’m a 36-year-old woman and my boyfriend is a 46-year-old man. We’ve been dating exclusively for over a year, and we are planning on moving in together soon and, if all goes well, marriage. We don’t want to have children at the moment, but we might change our minds. I love him so much, but I don’t love a choice he made 10 years ago to become a sperm donor. If we ever do want to have children, I don’t like the idea of my child having up to a hundred half siblings. He doesn’t actually know how many kids are out there from his sperm, but the bank said he was very popular. At first, we talked about him becoming discoverable so we could find out who is out there before we were married. Now he says he wants to stay private. But with genetic testing, he might be discoverable regardless. I am also concerned about my privacy. Sometimes these kids reach out because they’re lost or want to know their health history or want a relationship or even money. All of it is so complex and complicated, and it has been really hard for me to accept. I also feel like if we did end up having children, my child would be less special. I feel a lot of grief over a decision he made that so profoundly affects my life. This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, but I don’t know if I should end it because of his past. He says he regrets doing this, and it’s not something he would do again now, but it’s something he can never take back. He can’t even get the bank to stop using his sperm. I don’t know anyone else in this situation. What should I do? Debate Over Nixing Otherwise Reliable Suitor Jesus Christ, marry someone else — seriously, if when you look at this guy you don’t think, “This isn’t ideal, but I love him, and we can get through this together,” you shouldn’t marry him. To be frank, DONORS, I think you’re being ridiculous. You don’t even know if you want kids — you’re not even sure you wanna marry this man — and you’re having a full-blown existential crisis about children you aren’t sure you want feeling less special to you… if you decide you want them… because this man you aren’t sure you wanna marry might have a few biological kids out there already. As a person with three siblings, let me just say… kids with siblings — full or half, donor or direct deposit — aren’t any less special than kids without siblings. And if you don’t agree with that statement and/or don’t think you can get there with the help of a good therapist, DONORS, please don’t have the kids you aren’t sure you want with this man you aren’t sure you wanna marry. People don’t go to sperm banks to down shots, DONORS, so if the bank says his sperm is popular, your boyfriend almost certainly has biological kids out there somewhere. The oldest would be less than 10, which means you have a decade to brace yourself for the inevitable letter(s) or phone call(s) or email(s). If that’s not a price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with this guy — if you can’t see yourself being a loving and supportive partner when one of his biological kids tracks him down — you shouldn’t marry this guy. Because if he’s as lovely as you say he is, DONORS, he deserves better. And so do the kids that might one day come into his life. Got a problem? Everyone does! Submit your written question for “Savage Love” now! Or…