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“Savage Love” is America’s longest running sex advice column. A new column is posted every Tuesday. Become a Magnum Sub for access to the full column and the Struggle Session posted every Thursday!
1. Will I ever get over my ex who’s packing? If you mean packing in the “putting things in bags” sense of the term, then your ex hasn’t even moved out yet. Give it a minute. If you mean packing in the “my ex has a massive cock” sense of the term, you may never … Read More »
Bi female here. I’ve been seeing an ENM M/F couple for almost four months. The F was an acquaintance of mine for about two years. We are all close in age (late thirties, early forties). This is my first ethically non-monogamous relationship. Here are the pros: they are charming and attractive; the sex is great; … Read More »
Before we get to The Thursday Letter — which is day late (forgive me, dear readers, it’s been a hell of a week) — a quick update from BUMP, the pregnant woman who wrote in wondering if she should share the crazy sexual fantasies she was having late in her pregnancy with the wife she’d … Read More »
I’m going through a really difficult time, and I could really use some perspective. I’m a gay 47-year-old man with a husband of 25+ years. We have two young children in the house. My husband and I are monogamish, and our relationship is okay. Not great, not terrible. Up until about three years ago, I … Read More »
I’m a 47-year-old divorced dad. Met a 26-year-old woman nine months ago. Things have been great except for one thing: My girlfriend won’t give me access to her phone. When we met, I explained that I have trust issues due to the actions of my ex-wife (multiple infidelities, lies, gaslighting), and that I couldn’t be … Read More »
One quick bit of feedback from an annoyed listener before we get to this week’s Thursday Letter: Says Wayne via email… Hi, Dan! I love nearly everything you have to say but there’s one big exception: you have a seriously unhealthy feeling about nudity. I’ve noticed it for years, but you topped yourself a few … Read More »
1. How do you tell the difference between a slow-burn connection and settling for something that’s just okay? There’s no settling down without some settling for…. because no one gets everything they want where romantic partners are concerned. So, if you’ve chosen someone you aren’t entirely sure about… welcome to the world’s most crowded club. … Read More »
On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and try — I really, really do try my hardest — to let my readers give the advice. But first, a quick email from Extra… Lest we overrate hand jobs, Dan, Dicklord is here to remind us that they don’t always hit that spot. Catchy! And … Read More »
I’m a late-thirties hetero married man. I’m also a flirt. I’ve known this about myself for a long time, and while my spouse knows this generally, she probably doesn’t know that I can lean into it a bit at times when she is not around. For a long time it was fine. I considered my … Read More »
On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and try — I really, really do try my hardest — to let my readers give the advice… What advice do or the experts have for an older mom (60) who is trying to be sex positive and promote a healthy body image for her 14yr … Read More »
I’m a straight woman in her early thirties dating a straight man in his late twenties. We’ve been together for two years. We kept things casual for the first sixteen months or so. When we had our “define the relationship” talk he agreed to a “no important secrets” policy. The big secret I shared with … Read More »
On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and try — try my hardest — to let my readers give the advice… Early fifties straight-ish bloke living in a regional city in Australia. I’ve been with my wife for 25 years, married for sixteen. We have a wonderful relationship, and you get quite a … Read More »
I’ve been with my girlfriend for ten years. We moved in with each other three years ago. It’s not working for me. I love my girlfriend. She’s one of the kindest people I have ever met, slow to anger, and always listens first. We never fight, and I don’t want to break up with her. … Read More »
On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and do my best to sit on my hands and let my readers give the advice. But first, some feedback… Says Thankful via email… Hey, Dan! In reference to the sexless marriage messages you get all the time, I just thought I would share this. Cis … Read More »
Cis het woman here. I got extremely angry today because a guy I’ve been seeing (let’s call him “Cam”) in a MFM triad for the past ten years started to film me giving head to my other male partner (call him “Stan”) without asking. I only have two “third rail” boundaries, Dan, and one of … Read More »
On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and do my best to sit on my hands and let my readers give the advice — but first! An important correction… Hey, Dan! Quebecois French listener here. FROTTAGE absolutely does not mean frothing in French, it means “to rub” or “the action of rubbing.” The … Read More »
1. I’m a 20-year-old virgin and I have until very recently thought I was pan romantic/asexual. But I have found myself being sexually attracted to my close female friends. How do I know if I am ace or struggling with religious guilt? Labels can wait — get out there and live a little, kiddo. P.S. … Read More »
On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and do my best to sit on my hands and let my readers give the advice… First off, thanks for sharing you wisdom with the world, it has really helped me! Okay, here we go: I’m a queer female that has been in a monogamous relationship … Read More »
Bisexual AFAB non-binary here. (And a Magnum sub!) I have a legal query I’m hoping you or perhaps one of your guest experts might be able to help with? I’m a self-employed cleaner in Portland, Oregon, who offers a discount for LGBTQ+ folks on first cleans. The discount attracts the kinds of clients I want, … Read More »
On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and do my best to sit on my hands and let my readers give the advice… I kind of know what you’re going to say, Dan: “Use your words.” But I’m having a hard time figuring out which words to use, I’m not even entirely sure … Read More »
I am planning my wedding, which is happening this summer. My partner and I are trying to plan an event that’s casual, fun, and full of love. Unfortunately, my parents are MAGA. And they relish trolling me. The other day on a very rare phone call they started going on about wearing MAGA gear at … Read More »
My husband and I (cis male and cis female) never had much sexual chemistry. In the beginning he said not to worry, we have a lot of time, and it could only get better. But nothing has changed. When I express my frustration with the lack of sex usually after going months without an orgasm … Read More »
On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and do my best to sit on my hands and let my readers give the advice… My boyfriend (MF couple, live together, both in our 40s) has a wonderful eight-year-old son that we have with us half the time. He’s a great kid! He has a … Read More »
1. I’m a woman living with a supportive, caring man. We’ve been together — on and off — for twenty years. The sex is always hot when we get back together. Then, after a year, the sex fades to nothingness. I believe the problem is that hot “reunited” sex only turns me on for a … Read More »
On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and let my readers give the advice. I don’t even know how to start. I’m a 28-year-old female. I’ve been in two longterm relationships since I was fifteen, with only a couple of months between the first and the second. I’ve always had problems with sex. … Read More »
Should I feel weird about my husband’s grooming situation when he was young with a family friend if he doesn’t feel weird about it? He’s mid-thirties. He’s known this woman since he was seven and she used to babysit for him. She was a family friend. Once she returned to England, my husband went to visit … Read More »
The Thursday Letter this week is a long one, gang, and it’s about a subject we’ve talked about before: the sexless marriage. I’ve responded to tons of letters over the years from people in sexless marriages — I vaguely recall writing a column fifteen or twenty years ago declaring myself done with the subject — … Read More »
How do you feel about the rise of “passport bros”? A friend of mine rearranged his life after his divorce and now spends about half the year overseas dating. He insists it’s not exploitation or colonialism — just a life hack — since his income goes three times as far abroad. He’s basically able to … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments. I also share a question submitted to Savage Love and let my readers have the first crack at giving the advice. No Struggle Session this week — I’m flying to NYC today to speak at Sessions Live 2026 — but my sense of honor … Read More »
Dear Readers: I’m off this week. So, let’s enjoy — and perhaps relitigate — this column from July 12, 2022. — Dan I’m a cis woman in her 30s who lives on the East Coast. I’ve been in an LTR with the same cis man for 12 years. No issues there at all! But we … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments. I also share a question submitted to Savage Love and let my readers have the first crack at giving the advice. No Struggle Session today, as I am off this week. But while next week’s column is a repeat (because I am off this … Read More »
1. My spouse and I haven’t had sex for almost two years. No kids, jobs aren’t stressful, and we still enjoy each other’s company. (At least I enjoy theirs.) The subject of sex never comes up. I don’t miss it, honestly, and I suspect they don’t either. But I don’t know. It’s possible your spouse … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments from readers and listeners. I also share a question submitted to Savage Love and let my readers have the first crack at giving the advice. Laura on Instagram made a great point… Longtime listener and reader. I love your advice and have learned a … Read More »
Am I wrong to think a relationship isn’t realistic for me? I think I’ve been sold an idea of love that doesn’t apply to my life, and I want to know if I’m wrong. I am straight and 34-year-old male. I have a rare progressive disability. I’m blind, I have severe hearing loss (I can’t … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments from readers and listeners. I also share a question submitted to Savage Love and let my readers have the first crack at giving the advice. Wanted to kick things off by highlighting this pearl of wisdom from NoCuteName… There is no such thing as … Read More »
Are there rules to revealing a cheating ex on social media? Three weeks ago, I confronted my boyfriend about his repeated requests that we “find a time to talk.” These requests were never followed by any actual talk. We’d been together for three years by then. After his third futile attempt (“We still need to … Read More »
I’m curious to see where Savage Lovers come down on this one… I am a 25-year-old male going through a disruptive transition period after a secret of mine got out. Here goes: I developed a panty fetish in middle school thanks to the ease with which I could search for pictures of panties and thongs … Read More »
I’m a 26-year-old cis gay boy. I met my 28-year-old boyfriend in an actual bar and not an app — like it was 1978 or something — so we didn’t share our sexual interests before we met. We hooked up that night and things got serious pretty quick. He was the first guy I met … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments from readers and listeners. And on Thursdays I share a letter and let my readers have the first crack at giving the advice. Says NoCuteName about the first question in this week’s column… Dan may well be 100% correct when he insists that HUBS’ … Read More »
I’ve been married to my wife for nine years and we share a beautiful life together with our two young children. I came out to her as bi late last year after working through some major intimacy issues that are still ongoing. She accepts me and the issues are getting better. We are monogamous and … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to a few comments from readers and listeners. And on Thursdays I share a letter and let my readers have the first crack at giving the advice. Q25 in this month’s Quickies was from a woman with a bisexual boyfriend. Not only wasn’t his bisexuality a … Read More »
1. Which brand makes the best glass dildos? Asking for a friend! “Glass toys are not only gorgeous but also provide an amazing experience thanks to their weight, smooth surface, temperature-play options, and compatibility with any kind of lubricant,” said Jeneen Doumitt, the owner of SheBop, a Portland-based sex toy shop. “One of our favorite … Read More »
One quick bit of feedback from a reader before we get to the Thursday letter… I was just listening to the After Action Report with the monogamous straight couple who got a couple’s massage and private room. I wanted to chime in as another monogamous, cis-het mid 40s woman and say that the Savage Lovecast … Read More »
I’m a happily married pregnant woman. My wife and I have had a bit of a slowdown in the sex department, but nothing too worrying considering my “condition.” During this pregnancy I’ve had an increase in libido, but I haven’t shared that with her. We were having some conflict when I started to experience this … Read More »
I’m going to be taking a break from Struggle Session for a bit — but I will be engaging more in the comments, which feels more like a conversation. But I’m gonna keep posting bonus Savage Love letters Thursdays and letting my readers have the first crack at giving the advice. And here’s this week’s … Read More »
I’m a 50-year-old married bisexual American man living in Europe with my wife and kids. The “bi” part of me is still extremely new. Two years ago, I started seeing a sex-positive therapist to address my significant interest (and feelings of guilt about) kink and BDSM. Long story short, I admitted to myself that I … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to a few comments from readers and listeners. I also share a letter and invite readers to have the first crack at giving the advice. I’m away this week — so Tuesday’s column was a repeat and there’s no Struggle Session today. But I’m not slacking: … Read More »
Dear Readers: I’m off this week. To tide you over until I’m back, the tech-savvy, at-risk youth pulled some classic “PUD” questions from the archives. A PUD, of course, is someone who is “poly under duress.” Because while some start poly and some achieve poly, others have poly thrust upon ’em. These are their stories. … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers take a turn giving advice. I’m hosting the HUMP Film Festival in Seattle this weekend — come see me … Read More »
1. My boyfriend swears he’s cut. I say he’s totally uncut. He insists he was circumcised as an infant. How do I convince him? Some circumcisions are “tight” (all of the foreskin removed) and others are “loose” (most of the foreskin left intact). The looser the circumcision, the more “uncut” a man’s cock might appear. … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers take a turn giving advice. Hey, everybody! HUMP 2026 Spring Program opened last night in Seattle — watch the … Read More »
I have a complicated question. I’m a woman in my 30s who has been married for a few years to my husband. We are very much in love and have a wonderful relationship. We met when I was in college, and worked at the same place together. Eventually, we became friends. We maintained a long-distance … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to give the advice. I took a question on this week’s show from a widow who didn’t know what … Read More »
My partner and I are both AFAB nonbinary queers in our mid-30s and have been together a long time. We don’t believe lifelong monogamy is realistic. We even started our relationship practicing ethical non-monogamy, then defaulted to monogamy for many years. We now have two very young children and are planning a third in the … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to give the advice. We’re getting ready to do Savage Love Live at noon today — curtain up, light … Read More »
I had a great time at Mr. Mid-Atlantic Leather last month in Washington D.C. For those who don’t know, MAL is an annual fetish event for gay men. There is a lot of socializing in the lobby of the host hotel and a lot of kinky play in the rooms. One of the highlights for … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to give the advice. Q7 in this month’s Quickies column was from a bisexual woman who wanted me to … Read More »
1. I’m an 81-year-old heterosexual woman whose husband died last May. I have found that my 56-year-old gardener of fifteen years can make me sexually happy. But now after four months he says he’s not respecting his wife by having sex with me. He relates this to going to a Catholic priest for confession. He … Read More »
Actually, you might wanna burn this one before reading. You’ve been warned. It’s ironic that this letter came in this week, as we had a sewage pipe burst in our basement and… yeah. Let’s just say we were living the dream. Not our dream, to be clear, but definitely the dream of the LW’s husband. … Read More »
About a year ago I moved in with childhood best friend and his husband. We’re all in our mid-thirties. It’s been going great, and I consider the three of us to be fairly close. About a month ago, the husband and I stopped at the local pharmacy on the way home, which is how our … Read More »
Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to give some advice. There were lots of moving comments about my response to PBO in this week’s Savage … Read More »
I’m a gay man in my fifties, comfortable in my skin, but I suffered severe bullying throughout school, which was often abetted by teachers. A recent class reunion prompted me to write a tell-all letter to the current school director regarding that trauma. His gracious response was incredibly healing. My family has accepted me since I came … Read More »
I don’t know what to call this thing — no one likes “AQFARTIFROLOTIGTMIITC,” everyone likes “Masterdebater” but me, a lot of people liked “Gang Bang” but a few people really didn’t, “Group Grope” seems just as problematic as “Gang Bang,” etc. — but here it is! Here’s this week’s question from a reader this isn’t … Read More »
I am a 45-year-old femme-presenting genderqueer AFAB person. When I have romantic relationships with cis het men, I’ve noticed two general types: They either enjoy sex and prioritize pleasure and making things fun for their partners and themselves, but make no special big deal about it, and we usually have frequent enough sex and that’s … Read More »
No Struggle Session today again — just got home from a trip with the outlaws (my husband’s boyfriend’s extended family) — and somehow managed to pick up an awful cold on our way home. Everyone else is fine, but I’m green and quarantined for the time being. While I’m glad no one else is sick, … Read More »
1. What if I’m turned on by my own trauma? What do I do with this? You do therapy with it. And then after you’ve worked through your trauma with the help of your therapist (which includes unpacking your feelings about being turned on by your trauma), you can — taking the tiniest of baby … Read More »
