Cis bisexual guy here in his 20s. In the entire time I’ve been sexually active, I’ve pretty much been able to finish whenever I’d like. I’ve literally never once finished too quickly. That said, the idea of being unable to hold back my orgasm and coming too quickly has always been a big turn on for me. So much so, that in more than a few past relationships/hookups, I’ve found myself inducing a premature ejaculation. Some partners are kind and supportive about it, some seem a little annoyed or bothered. Both reactions are equally hot to me! It doesn’t happen every time I have sex, and I’m always down to take care of my partner’s orgasm in other ways either before or after the penetrative sex has come to its brief conclusion.
I’m not so much worried about if my kink is normal, but is it ethical? I haven’t told...
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...>I’m not so much worried about if my kink is normal, but is it ethical? I haven’t told any of my hookups or long-term partners this about myself and am worried that doing so might lessen the turn on. But I do feel a little guilty that I could prolong the thrusting before I get to the busting and am pretending that I can’t for my own selfish ends. Do I owe it to them to let them know?
Finished And Secretly Thrilled
First, a pet peeve: don’t use the passive voice when talking about things you choose to do during sex. Unless you’re having out-of-body experiences — unintentionally — and coming to right before you ejaculate, FAST, you’ve never “found” yourself coming too soon. Inducing a premature ejaculation is an active, conscious choice you’re making for your own “selfish ends” (your words); it’s something you’re choosing to do, FAST, it’s not something that’s happening to you. So, don’t say, “It doesn’t happen every time,” instead say, “I don’t choose to do this every time.” (A lot of us use the passive voice when we talk about sex — I’m guilty of it too — and it’s a subtle way of avoiding responsibility for our sexual choices, both good and bad, which isn’t ideal.)
Your question struck me as bogus, FAST, because — well into my fourth decade of writing this column — I’m suspicious of kinks I haven’t been asked about before. So, I emailed you directly, FAST, as you know, and peppered you with questions… questions you were quick to answer… and to others out there who might be wondering whether this is a real question (and not just a pretty good hypothetical/thought experiment): FAST shared details about the kind of formative experiences that sometimes leave a kink in their wake, and I believe he’s on the up-and-up.
So, FAST, is your kink ethical?
Well, on the one hand, you’re leading people to believe something about you that isn’t true — that you’re a premature ejaculator — because pity and/or contempt turns you on. (You must not have much of a refractory period if either reaction arouses you after you come, but some young men have refractory periods so brief they barely exist; a select few men have no refractory periods at all.) By choosing to bust quickly, FAST, you’re denying your new sexual partner the experience they were most likely hoping for, i.e., a nice, long, leisurely fuck, the kind of fuck you could’ve provided them.
When you induce a quick orgasm, your disappointed sex partners drop everything to reassure you or they express their annoyance — both reactions turn you on, so you win either way. Essentially, you’re tricking your sex partners into performing one of two kinds of emotional labor for you: providing you with positive attention (kind and supportive) or providing you with negative attention (annoyed or bothered). People who are kind may walk away feeling disappointed by the sex but feeling pretty good about themselves, as they reacted well in the moment; people who were annoyed may walk away feeling disappointed by the sex but they might also walk away feeling disappointed in themselves, FAST, as they reacted poorly in the moment.
On the other hand, when we go to bed with someone new, we do so without guarantees about the quality or duration of the fucking we’re about to receive. And since you always make sure to get your partners off in other ways — taking your word on that — your sex partners still have a good time. (No orgasm gap on your watch.) And if the people you’re disappointing have mostly slept with the kind of men who think sex begins with penetration and ends when he comes, you may have opened some of their eyes to other kinds of sexual connection and pleasure, resetting their expectations and possibly improving their subsequent sexual encounters.
What I think is more interesting — ethically and practically — is how you’re going to handle your kink in the context of a long-term relationship. If you present at the start as an insecure premature ejaculator who needs a lot of emotional support and reassurance, FAST, you’ll either have to walk that back when things get serious or spend the rest of your life living (busting?) a lie. If you pretend to have resolved the issue on your own, you’ll be denying yourself the pleasure of coming “too soon” going forward. And if you keep the ruse up forever, you’ll be hiding an important part of who you are — sexually — from the person you most wanna share your sexual fantasies with, which isn’t ideal. But if you tell someone you spent the first six months disappointing them on purpose… and they spent the first six months comforting you for no reason… there’s a good chance they’ll dump you.
But if you can get through that crisis, FAST, you may be able to have your kink and an honest, open long-term relationship — with “open” being the operative word. With your partner you can be the boyfriend or husband who lasts as long as they want (or who comes on command, which is kinda hot) but get to pretend you’re a sexually inept premature ejaculator when you have threesomes. If your partner is willing to play along, FAST, they could react with kindness or contempt, depending on your preference that night, and then tell your Very Special Guest Star (VSGS) — right in front of you — that they’re there to give your partner the kind of long, slow fucking you can’t. You’ll be an object of pity and/or contempt in the eyes of your VSGS, which will turn you on, and since your partner is there to take care of your VSGS’s needs and vice-versa, no one will be deprived of anything. Everybody comes, everybody wins.
I’m a man in my mid-30s and I feel like I’m not old enough to have the problem I do. When I first got together with my female partner a few years ago, I could last a while and it was pleasurable for both of us. Now she regularly asks “if there’s something wrong” with what she’s doing. “Is it my body?” she asks. I try to reassure her that it’s my body. I want to last but can’t seem to these days. I tried to bring this up with my doctor to no avail. I feel foolish because in the moment I start to think, “Am I going to come yet?” Or I think I’ve lasted a while, but it wasn’t long enough for her. What can I do to last longer? I recently tried some off-brand meds, but still no luck. I haven’t tried much edging to help and don’t know what I’m doing there. I just want to get out of my headspace, enjoy my time with my partner, and really last. Could go marathons in beginning. Just not the endurance one another was hoping for these days…
Suddenly Lasting Orgasms Wanting
Reading FAST’s question must’ve pissed you off — I mean, there he is pretending to have the problem you actually have and secretly getting off on it. A real “my condition is not your costume” moment.
Anyway, there are potential treatments that could help, SLOW, from a little cognitive behavioral therapy (to figure out whether it’s a headspace issue), to some doctor-prescribed, on-brand, low-dose SSRIs (proven effective for headspace and physiological issues where premature ejaculation is concerned), to experimenting with edging — which really isn’t hard to figure out. You watch some hot porn and/or think some dirty thoughts while stroking yourself, SLOW, slowly bringing yourself to the edge of orgasm — getting as close as you can to the point of orgasmic inevitability without going past it (that may take some practice) — then stopping before you come. Bring yourself to the edge again and again, ideally while using a well-lubricated masturbation sleeve or Fleshlight-style toy (practice with something that feels like the orifice you wanna last longer inside), and then bring the breathing and/or concentration techniques that helped delay orgasm during solo edging sessions to partnered sex.
P.S. I spent a summer getting fucked by a guy who “solved” his premature ejaculation problem — but he didn’t solve it with medications or therapy or edging sessions. He would suck my dick, use toys, edge me, get me close to coming or desperate to come or both… and then replace the dildo with his dick and we would come at the same time. He never lasted more than thirty seconds once his dick was inside me, SLOW, but he was some of the best (vanilla) sex I’ve ever had. So, learning to work with your dick — and bringing it in all other ways — is one way to solve what can be most problematic about premature ejaculation: leaving your partner feeling unfulfilled.
P.P.S. Just wanna be clear here: There are guys out there who can’t last long during penetrative sex who are great in bed and guys who can last for-fucking-ever who are terrible in bed. Confidence and a commitment to giving your partner the best possible experience you can — using whatever you’ve got, doing whatever it takes — is the key, not endless PIV or PIB.
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