Every Thursday I respond to comments and criticisms from my readers and listeners. These posts are exclusively for Magnum Subs — so, if you’re already a sub, thank you and read on! If you’d like to become a sub, make it happen here! Magnum Subs get the Magnum Lovecast (more guests, more calls, no ads), the Maxi Savage Love (more Qs, more As), the Sex & Politics podcast, Struggle Session, and bragging rights: you’re one of my subs.
And my apologies: this is going to be a relatively short Struggle Session. (Or maybe shorter Struggle Sessions would be a good thing?) Okay, let’s get to it…
Longtime listener and fan of the show. I’m writing in response to your opener on Episode 893
where you’re discussing that ridiculous Washington Post article
about women refusing to date conservative men. I agree expecting straight women to date straight men who don’t...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
All Subscriber Benefits
....love/lovecast/2023/12/05/when-your-friend-drunkenly-hits-on-you/">Episode 893 where you’re discussing that ridiculous Washington Post article about women refusing to date conservative men. I agree expecting straight women to date straight men who don’t respect our right to bodily autonomy is just straight-up wrong. HOWEVER, I think your advice to straight women was pretty judgy too! You mention several times that straight women need to compromise and a good one would be dating guys who are short or who make less money than they do.
First of all, if we’re going to judge women who won’t date a short man (personally, I love a short king but I understand some women don’t) then we also need to talk about straight men of all political affiliations who refuse to date a woman who is plus sized, or won’t date a woman over the age of 25 or 30, etc., the list of superficial factors goes on and on. And now we’re also expected to go out hunting for the greatest unicorn of all? A straight poly guy who is also a true feminist? Dan, I’m tired. Instead of asking women to compromise over and over again, let’s do what actually needs to be done and start NORMALIZING the idea that straight men need to be doing some serious work to make themselves into kind, compassionate, emotionally mature desirable partners that modern women want to be with. THAT is the real problem here, not height or paycheck or relationship style. Straight women are statistically happier single than in straight marriages. Therefore, it is straight men who are losing out when they embrace patriarchal values and it is straight men who need to do the work. If we don’t face that head-on it will never ever change.
My tongue was firmly in cheek — my own cheek — while I recorded that open. The marriage-boosters and monogamists on the Washington Post editorial board were begging straight women to at least think about dating/fucking/marrying MAGA trolls to avoid winding up alone. (As if being alone wasn’t better than being with a MAGA troll.) In response, I raised the terrifying specter of millions of straight women choosing feminist poly straight guys and ENM over being alone. My argument wasn’t entirely serious — lots of women want monogamy, there aren’t enough feminist straight poly guys to go around (yet) — but I was arguing against women having to be the ones to compromise.
As for the height stuff…. I’m not making that up:
A study on women’s and men’s height preferences found that women are most satisfied when their partner was 8 inches (21cm) taller. Men are most satisfied when they are 3 inches (8cm) taller than their partners. Another study found that among men, 13.5 percent prefer to date only women shorter than them. But among women, about half (48.9 percent) preferred to date only men taller than them.
But you’re right: single straight women are happier. No one has studied whether straight women who’ve gone in on on time-share boyfriends and husbands with their straight girlfriend are happier than single straight women — but here’s hoping some enterprising young sex researcher is already on the case.
P.S. This interview on the Venus Cuckoldress Podcast — Venus talking with her guest Ella — contains a great breakdown of what men can do to save themselves from themselves. While the show is targeted at single men who wanna be cuckolds and couples living the cuckold lifestyle, Venus and Ella’s conversation about the plight of men contains so much great advice that everyone should listen to it.
Says Aaron via Instagram…
I found myself “soft-disagreeing” with your advice to the “people pleaser” caller who was breaking off from the insecure guy but didn’t want him to think it was because he sucked in bed. Listening to the call, my instinct was that she should simply text that they’re “not a match” and them move on. To me, it feels like he’s an insecure mess, and his insecurities are not her problem. Maybe I’m too much of a minimalist, but I find myself not wanting her to invest more, to continue to “people please,” and frankly, to continue to feed his flailing ego. Am I cruel and heartless? (Thank you for everything you do! Fellow rotator cuff surgery survivor here!)
I agree with you, Aaron: someone else’s problems don’t magically become our problems after a few drinks, dates, or fucks and a simple “I don’t think we’re not a match” sent via text is all that the caller owes this insecure guy. And if we find ourselves on the receiving end of a string of “we’re not a match” texts from people we’ve briefly dated, we owe it to ourselves to go to friends (or therapists) and ask what we might be doing wrong.
That said, if you’re breaking up with someone you’ve been seeing for a while and you honestly believe there’s something they might benefit from knowing — and the breakup is amicable-to-amicable-ish and doing something about the problem might set them up for success in their future relationships — letting them know would definitely count as “leaving them in better shape than you found them.”
People had a lot to say about Anonymous Magnum Subscriber, the LW whose girlfriend asked him to stop talking to/flirting with two young women. He persisted, she snooped, and now he’s worried he’ll be “maiden-less” for the rest of his life. Says Drou at the Bad Place…
I hope this guy’s ex ended up fucking both of those twenty-something women (completely non-maintenance sex) at the same time and laughing with them about whatever feature of his penis he feels inadequate about. How he could be fan enough that he subscribes at a “magnum level” yet still be such a dumb motherfucker about this topic is beyond me. What did he think you were going to say? “Sorry, special boy. Not your fault.” That said, I’m not such a big fan so I don’t know what magnum level is. I assume like $25/month?
Wait, what — $25/month? No! A Magnum Sub is $40 for one year — and right now we’re having a sale on gift subs! Check it out!
AMS being into anime is not a red flag. Being into anime and describing yourself as “maiden-less” is absolutely a red flag. There online spaces for anime and manga have an uncomfortable amount of overlap with incel spaces and that language would have me running. #notalldweebs
Hm. We’re talking about a guy with a kid from a previous relationship… a guy whose most relationship lasted for five years… and that relationship he had meh-to-amazing sex 3-to-4 times a week. Nothing about those details strike me incel-ish or even incel-adjacent. But, yes, “maiden-less” was certainly cringe and AMS should strike it from his vocabulary.
OK, Dan, so what’s up with calling a woman that’s too insecure to just freaking’ let her guy have his flirty friendship with the cute neighbor, and who resorts to aggressive snooping, “amazing”? Seems to me that if she had asked much the same question you’d be quite hard on her for that kind of shitty behavior.
Maybe I was blinded by her skill set — I don’t want to talk about taxes, but I love being with someone who does them for me — and, personally, I’ve never been one to pass on good/cheerful/non-begrudging maintenance sex. But if you read my response… I not only tell AMS’s girlfriend to let her guy enjoy his flirtatious friendships, I tell AMS’s girlfriend to have a few flirtatious relationships of her own.
“an attractive woman in her twenties moves in next door and we quickly become friends….she drunkenly knocked on my door late at night”
Really? Maybe AMS is hot?
Anything is possible. It’s also possible that the drunk young woman who knocked on AMS door found him hot — or extra hot — because he was taken. We don’t talk enough about people who really get off on creating havoc. They’re out there.
Speaking of hotness, Andrew had some thoughts for the caller thinking about fucking her high school bully…
Sometimes there are calls and letters where I think of the answer as the Fucking Hot Exemption. It depends on a follow-up question: Are they fucking hot? Because in most cases you shouldn’t have (consent to) sex with someone who’s inconsiderate, arrogant, unpleasant, and/or toxic… unless they’re fucking hot. Because then you should take that ball of aggression and resentment and pound it out. At least once. The Fucking Hot Exemption only applies in cases where it’s certain. If it’s not a body and face you’d want to watch in porn, it doesn’t get the FHE. So if the hometown bully is just average, tell her “You wish.” But if she’s fucking hot, you won’t regret going for it.
TFHE — The Fucking Hot Exemption — love it, going to steal it!
And says Cici…
Regarding the Bully. This needs to be a Hallmark Christmas movie. Lesbian returns to hometown planning to hate-fuck her high school bully. She and bully end up falling in love. Bully leaves husband and the new couple settles in a nearby city where Lesbian is wildly successful in her career and together they raise her former bully’s children.
Okay, that’s it! Sorry, no Muppet-Faced Man of the Week this week — no nominations!
Discounted “early bird” tickets for HUMP! 2024 are on sale now! The best little porn short film festival returns to theaters in Seattle on February 8th before heading to San Francisco and Portland! And check out the full list of cities HUMP! 2024 is coming to next year! There’s nothing like seeing HUMP! in a theater! Order your tickets now and save!