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Christmas Break

Joe Newton

I’m away for Christmas. Please enjoy these Christmas-themed questions from the Savage Love archives. Ho, ho, ho! — Dan

I’m a straight married guy who spends the vast majority of every year working on site overseas supervising a large scientific experiment my business partner and I set up. The location is extremely remote, and my wife of five years prefers to live at our house in England. Like me, she is 36 and extremely attractive and I was always very suspicious about what she got up to in my absence. We do not have an open relationship and, until recently, I have been faithful to her. But four weeks ago, my wife’s mother showed up unannounced at my work site and, over the course of two days, she told me in lurid detail about my wife’s many infidelities. It included some pretty shocking behavior, from...

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...ties. It included some pretty shocking behavior, from group sex to gangbangs to escort work. I felt stunned and betrayed. My wife has lived a life of luxury thanks to my work, and she chose to be the local slut in the community where we live. The stories my mother-in-law told me were confirmed by my business partner’s wife. This is where the story gets complicated. My mother-in-law is 20 years my senior and one of the most beautiful women I have ever been around. I have always had a strong attraction to her as she has had for me. On the third night she was with me we spent the night in bed together and had the most amazing sex and we have been together ever since. We have both fallen completely in love with each other. I can’t imagine being without her now, but I am obviously still married to her daughter. I am not totally naive, and I know my mother-in-law used my wife’s confession to break up my marriage but that is something I can easily forgive her for. We want to go home together around Christmas and spend a few weeks in the UK as a couple. How do I tell my wife that this is the new reality? Mother-In-Law Fucker Allow me, dear readers: Fake, fake, fake! As for you, letter writer/problem maker upper, your “story” was plenty complicated before your bullshit second paragraph rolled around. Implausibly complicated. I mean, you’re conducting a scientific experiment in a place that’s “extremely remote” — so remote your wife refuses to live there — but it’s not so remote your mother-in-law can’t drop in unannounced with hot goss about the wife. What? Oh, and before spinning out a story that has everything — cheating, gangbangs, group sex (not all group sex is gangbanging, but all gangbangs are group sex), sex work, intergenerational sex — you pause to assure us that all involved are “extremely attractive,” a detail honest letter writers include when it’s relevant and dishonest letter writers include when they’re spinning out a fantasy they’re gonna wank to later or bullshitting me while they’re wanking. (A scientific experiment in extremely remote location? Are you sure you’ve been fucking your mother-in-law and not THE THING?!?) And the question you wrap things up with, MILF? Gotta say… it’s pretty disappointing as bullshit questions tacked on at the end of bullshit letters go. Why would you be worried about telling your wife — your cheating, gang-banging-in-your-absence, doing-escort-work-on-the-side wife — that you’re leaving her? Even for her mother? If she existed, MILF, your wife would be upset — the scandal, the publicity — but she’s not going to be upset at the thought of losing you… as it seems pretty clear that your fictional wife doesn’t give a single holographic shit about you. So, why would you be worried about upsetting her? Would your chief concern under the circumstances really be the feelings of someone who betrayed you so spectacularly/fictitiously? Your “new reality,” as you put describe this bullshit/whirlwind romance with the mother-in-law you made up, is far likelier to cause you headaches by scandalizing friends, colleagues, family members, and neighbors — or it would scandalize friends, colleagues, family members, and neighbors, MILF, if they existed, which they don’t. That’s the risk you would be running: Your fake wife did you fake wrong — you were the fake victim — but once it gets out that you’re fucking your wife’s extremely attractive mother, you’re going to be seen as the villain. “How do I convince my friends, colleagues, family members, and neighbors that I am not the bad guy?” would’ve been a much better question to wrap your bullshit question up with, MILF, not an expression of concern for your fake wife’s feelings. Originally published December 16, 2017. I’m 19, female, bi, and have been with the same guy for a year. Things are great. I came home for Christmas, and he went to his parents’ house, and I’ll see him in a few weeks. For Christmas, my mom got me some typical “mom” gifts — socks and underwear — but the panties had Disney princesses on them. I feel like a pedophile just owning them. I get it: She doesn’t like the idea that I might be having sex, especially with the alarming rate that babies are popping out of teenage girls. But, come on. What am I supposed to do with these? Holiday Blues Wear them. Even if Mom was trying to send you a coded message — and I am not convinced she was — you can easily turn the lemons of your mother’s disapproval into the lemonade of good, safe, responsible sex. So, Mom is not happy about her daughter being sexually active? Too bad for Mom. As for feeling like a pedophile, HB, there’s nothing pedo about a 19-year-old bi chick in Disney princess underpants. A girl in those panties is innocent and darling. A sexually active 19-year-old woman in those panties is ironic and daring. (A flash poll of straight men — or straight man, as the sample size in my office small — revealed that 100 percent thought 19-year-old bisexual girls in Disney panties were “sexy as hell.” (Please note: my sample was a single 25-year-old straight man, so our survey results aren’t as creepy as they may have sounded.)) So, when your boyfriend eats your pussy through a pair of your new Disney underpants — when he sucks face with Jasmine or Ariel or Belle — he will not only be helping you assert your right to sexual fulfillment despite your mother’s disapproval, HB, he’ll be helping you deconstruct a patriarchal heteronormative discourse that reifies female purity and holds up women’s undergarments as moral status markers! Your boyfriend’s efforts to get you off will symbolically transform these princesses into the fully sexual beings their corporate creators never intended them to be! To think your boyfriend can accomplish all of that — and strike a blow against repressive monarchical systems — just by eating your pussy while you wear your new panties, HB! And all you have to do is lie back and enjoy! Originally published January 3, 2008. I’m a gay man in my mid 20s, and I’m getting more serious with a guy I met a few months ago. I was surprised to eventually learn that “Michael” is in his late 30s, since he easily passes for my age. I’m comfortable with the age gap, but I’m struggling with how to present this to my parents. Religious and conservative, they were cordial but distant with the last guy I dated (who was my age). I’m afraid the age gap with my new boyfriend will create even more discomfort for them and that Michael will sense it when he comes along to visit for the holidays. I’m considering lying to my parents if Michael’s age comes up. I’ve challenged my parents’ attitudes for many years — but at this point, I’m willing to trade honesty for the chance to be treated even a little bit more like a “normal couple” at Christmas. Is it selfish to ask Michael for permission to lie about his age? I’m nervous to even share my feelings with him, for fear it will give the impression I’m embarrassed by him. Awkward Gatherings Expected Given Age Peculiarity Tell one lie to make your relationship more acceptable to your parents, AGEGAP, and you’ll be tempted to tell more lies — and I don’t know about you, kiddo, but not having to lie to mommy and daddy anymore was one of the chief reasons I came out. And if you want your parents to be comfortable with Michael, if you don’t want them to think there’s anything wrong with their son dating an older man, deceiving your parents about Michael’s age out of the gate a terrible first move. And let’s say things work out with Michael. The lie you told that first Christmas will only make things more awkward once you finally tell your parents the truth. And if your parents are like other homophobic parents, e.g., if they’re inclined to believe the worst about the man who sodomizes their son, they may not believe the lie was your idea. They’ll think this creepily youthful older man — this man who showed up in their home wearing a suit made out of the skins of younger gay men — encouraged their son to lie to them so they wouldn’t object to the relationship in the early stages, when their objections might have had the power to derail it. Originally published December 11, 2018. Got problems? Email your question to Dan here! Or record your question for the Lovecast here! Follow Dan on Instagram and Threads @DanSavage. Follow Dan on BlueSky @DanSavage. Discounted “early bird” tickets for HUMP! 2024 are on sale now! The lineup for the best little porn short film festival in the world — which opens in Seattle on February 8th before touring cities across North America and Europe — has been announced! Go to HUMP! Film Fest to check out the new films and get your HUMP! 2024 tickets at a discount!  

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