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STRUGGLE SESSION: Host Gifts, Wedding Nights, Truck Stops, and More!

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So, you’ve been invited to a private sex party. Should you bring a traditional host gift like a bottle of wine? Or should you...

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...ts and I’ll make the correction and publicly thank you. Okay! So, you’ve been invited to a private sex party. Should you bring a traditional host gift like a bottle of wine? Or should you slip the host a tenner? Either is good, said our guest expert in this week’s column. Says Andrew… It’s interesting how different cultures view hospitality and money. As a US Midwesterner, I’d consider it a little insulting to slip a five- or ten-dollar bill to a party host. But I also think this don’t-arrive-empty-handed thing is a weird neurosis of many people in the US. An orgy host is probably thinking more about having fun, and less about, “Did Trevor bring a gift?” To be fair, Ali Bushell — author of The Sex Party Handbook and our guest expert — said a small gift is a nice gesture and a sincere “thank you” plus a small donation to help cover expenses is an even nicer one. Ali didn’t say that showing up without a gift or failing to make a donation was a problem — so, no reason to for anyone to feel neurotic. But please remember: if you show up with a bottle of wine, your host — dinner party host, sex party host, Couple to Throuple viewing party host — isn’t obligated to serve it during the party. If your host decides the wine you brought doesn’t pair with the food/ass/drama being served, he can save it for another party. That’s the host’s prerogative. Speaking of Couple to Throuple: Amy, who wrote to me via Instagram, isn’t loving it… Hi, Dan! Love you, love the pod! I’ve been a listener for years and a Magnum Sub for maybe three years and this is the first time I’m reaching out to bitch. I’m watching Couple to Throuple because you talked about it. It is the worst reality TV show I have ever seen. So, thanks? You’re welcome! The first question on this week’s Lovecast was from a bisexual man about to marry his cuckquean fiancée. He wanted to spend their first night as husband and wife alone — something intimate, something romantic, something that might be open to conception — but his fiancée wanted the usual: a bunch of guys fucking the shit out of him to crank her up. I suggested a compromise: the caller gets fucked in front of his fiancée before the ceremony and then newlywed couple spends their first night as husband and wife alone in their honeymoon suite. Says Inspired Desires… I want to push back on something Dan said to the bi caller. You don’t actually have to choose between someone who views you as a fetish or kink dispenser and someone who judges you for who you are! That goes if you are bi, submissive, dominant, Black, Asian or anything else. You are better off being single and looking for someone who sees you as a person, respects you, and wants to fulfill your desires and wishes, too, not just their own. This left a really bad taste in my mouth. I know it’s usually almost always bi women that get their sexuality treated as a way to get their partners off, but it isn’t any better when women do it to bi men. It’s a real Goldilocks situation, isn’t it? I mean, if you’re big or bi or Black or Asian or sub or Dom or missing a limb or extremely tall or jacked or whatever — if there’s something unique about you that some people might fetishize — you don’t wanna be with someone who’s too hot, i.e., you don’t want to be with someone who’s too into whatever it is that makes you unique, but you don’t wanna be with someone who’s too cold either, i.e., you don’t wanna be with someone who’s oblivious to or (worse yet) repulsed by what makes you stand out. You want someone “just right” — meaning, you want someone who’s into you but doesn’t fetishize you; you want someone who can objectify you when you wanna be objectified — and objectify you in ways that make you feel seen and desired — but who never loses sight of your feelings and needs. And perhaps the caller’s fiancée is doing just that: losing sight of the caller’s feelings and needs. So obsessed is she with the caller’s bisexuality — and so aroused is she by the thought of transgressing against something so sacred as a wedding night with her bisexual partner — that she’s not listening to the caller. And after listening to the call and my response, I’ll cop to getting so carried away by the uniqueness of the situation — and (I’m sorry) the hotness of the situation — that I wasn’t fully listening to the caller either. Says Thingamajig… Hard disagree on the wedding night caller. He needs to really consider if this is a marriage he can live in long term. This is not going to be the last time he wants intimacy and his wife wants a free for all. Free for alls are fine but they are clearly not the only kind of sex the caller wants but they seem to be the only kind of sex the fiancée wants. These two just seem fundamentally incompatible to me. While I may have presented the caller with a false choice — the choice between a “too hot” woman who fetishizes his bisexuality and a “too cold” woman repulsed by his bisexuality — I’ve read so many letters from miserable bisexual men with “too cold” wives over the years to feel comfortable telling this caller to dump his fiancée. Because I believe — based on my numerous convos with bi men — that managing the expectations and eagerness of a biphilic partner (even if her eagerness smacks of fetishization) will be less soul crushing than putting up with the disapproval of a biphobic partner. Yes, there my be a “just right” partner out there for the caller — a woman who isn’t too hot or too cold — but urging the caller to end a sure-but-imperfect thing in favor of something/someone he may never actually find, i.e., the “just right” girlfriend/fiancée/wife, someone who likes to see him get fucked by dudes but doesn’t, you know, need to see him get fucked by a line of dudes on their wedding night… well, it just seems foolish. And if I were him, I wouldn’t take that bet. Says Cindy… One thing that jumped out to me about the cuck on his wedding night, was him mentioning that it was important to him to conceive their first child on their honeymoon. I’m glad you mentioned the ovulation and timing that would need to work out in order for this to happen, but he mentioned his fiancée had been previously married and was a virgin and conceived a child on her first honeymoon. I felt like he was trying to compete with her first honeymoon, and was more interested in checking off some boxes of “romance” and “conceive a child” than letting their own style of sex life feature in their first night as a married couple. He should make sure his requests for their honeymoon are about his wants, and not about needing to compare to her first honeymoon. To the caller: Unless your fiancée didn’t have sex with her previous husband for weeks before their wedding night and then didn’t have sex with him for weeks after, there’s no way she could possibly know whether her first child was conceived on on their wedding night. I called — again and briefly — for a ceasefire in Gaza on the show this week. Says Anna via email… If your child were being held hostage in Rafah, Dan, would you call for a ceasefire? Really? Or would you want an army to do everything possible to get your child back? There are real children from real families being held there. What is happening in Gaza is horrible. But why are you calling for a ceasefire and not for the return of the hostages? I’ve been a reader for fifteen years and I think this is the first time we have ever disagreed. You are a voice of reason and sanity. I don’t see how we aren’t on the same side on this. You’re expecting too much from a quick aside — an aside meant to acknowledge the horrors of what is happening right now in Gaza, where real children from real families are being killed every day. But you’re right: among the horrors unfolded in Gaza right now is continued captivity of the Israeli men, women, and children abducted on October 7th. When I called for a ceasefire, I did so knowing the Israeli government would never agree to a ceasefire that doesn’t include the release of hostages. A sex-advice podcaster can’t impose the terms of a ceasefire on Israel — or on Hamas — but for what it’s worth: I want a ceasefire in Gaza and I want the hostages released and the former can’t happen unless the latter does. Katie sent a product recommendation via email… I was just listening to yesterday’s episode in which you mentioned the hot gym guy who told you to get wireless headphones. I’m like you — not a speedy adopter of new technology — and I never liked the idea of airpods because they seem so small and easy to lose. But I also HATE it when I’m my headphone wires get caught on something and get yanked out. A fellow mom recently told me that she got Shokz bluetooth headphones. Designed for bikers, Shokz are bone conducting — so, they don’t cover the opening to your ear completely like regular headphones or airpods. Instead, they vibrate the bones in your ears and conduct sound that way. (Which sounds weird, I know!) The idea is that you can still hear ambient sound reasonably well, which is why they’re recommended for bikers riding in traffic. I bought a pair and love them. Maybe this will solve your gym problem? Still wearing my non-wireless headphones — my wired headphones — to the gym, where the hottest guy at the gym continues to make fun of me for wearing them. I tried explaining to him that his (playful) contempt was incentivizing me to stick with the headphones — because I’m a huge pervert — but that convo prompted him to dial it up. It’s funny how being made fun of by the hottest guy at the gym was something I dreaded in high school but now I like it so much that I ordered three new pairs of wired headphones just last week. Says Abigail via email… It’s been said before and will be said again, Dan, but I must say: you are a prophet. I loved your intro on Episode 901. I was unsurprised when I listened to the Sunday story this morning on Up First from NPR. It’s happening: Golden Girls and time-share boyfriends! Yes, please! Says Patch via email… I cringed hearing you talk about feeling unsafe stopping for gas in Ellensburg because it was obvious you’ve never actually spent any time here and are quite possibly making (incorrect) assumptions about others based on (incorrect) assumptions about their politics. I’m from Seattle but I’ve lived in Ellensburg for two years and here’s what I’ve observed: while the voting records may swing red, people here are overwhelmingly independent. I’m at the gym right now next to an old white guy well into his 70s wearing a T-shirt that says “Veterans Against Trump.” My neighbor is an apple farmer who calls himself conservative but isn’t bothered by the personal lives of others and strongly supports immigration. I go to the local municipal pool here to use the sauna. This place is locals only. The sauna regulars are all wildland firefighters, truckers, farmers, and blue collar trade workers. Only one regular vocally supports Trump and everyone makes fun of him mercilessly for it. There is a sign on the locker rooms welcoming folks in both English and Spanish to use whatever locker room correspondents to their gender identity. The Starbucks across from the rodeo grounds has one of those combination trans/gay/BLM flags. The employees at my other local coffee shop are people you could describe as extremely, noticeably gay. So, yeah, you’ll see some Trump flags but you’d have to work really hard to find political consensus among this diverse group of veterans, farmers, factory workers and immigrants. Let alone evidence of discrimination against others based on those beliefs. It sounds like you’ve made some unfair generalizations of people you don’t know based on what you assume their politics are. I repeat: pretty cringe. I’d ask you to gently, with love, consider whether anyone at that gas station off I-90 ever did anything that made you actually feel unsafe, or if you simply imagined it was unsafe because of what you thought you knew about people you’ve never met. You’ve lived in Ellensburg for two years, Patch, but I’ve been popping into the truck stop outside Ellensburg on my way to Spokane — where Terry grew up — for thirty years. Maybe it’s changed for the better in all that time and I need to spend some time at the municipal pool and then reassess. But I reserve the right to be nervous when I’m in a truck stop on the edge of any town, big or small, blue or red. And for the record: In the response where I mentioned feeling nervous in that Ellensburg truck stop, I was talking about gay men and code switching, e.g., gay men butching to avoid attracting the attention of homophobes. But even if I had a better impression of Ellensburg than I do (and a better one than the 2020 vote totals in Kittitas County would seem to call for), I’m still gonna be watching my back — and butching it up — in your truck stop. Says Liz… I’m a big fan and have been a Magnum subscriber for years, Dan, but it’s making me nuts that you keep having all these conservative and libertarian “free thinkers” on Sex & Politics. I understand you want to challenge your own biases, but why not have someone further to the left on as well? Invite on a communist and challenge your views that way, if you really want a full range of opinions. There are plenty of serious people who can talk engagingly about radical climate activism, nationalizing industries, unionizing workplaces, and so on. Maybe give some of their outré ideas some airtime. Suggestions for future guests — commies included — are welcome! Says Aussie Cuck.. @fakedansavage you are the master of bringing the world new words unearthed from the kink lifestyle. I have one for you. Every hotel room has the #cuckchair, a single comfortable chair usually positioned in the bedroom. I’m sitting in this one right now! — The Aussie Cuck (@CuckooCuck) February 10, 2024 Since I’ve seen the “cuck chair” meme a dozen or more times on Instagram this year alone, I don’t think the term — which I love — needs an assist from me. Alright, that’s it for this week’s Struggle Session. Just one last item of business… Our Muppet-Faced Man of the Week: Landon “The Bad Boy of Ventriloquism” Harvey! Come for the big smile, the shaggy hair, and the mad skills. Stay for the fisting jokes: “Where is your other hand?” “If I pull my arm out, you’re going to go limp!”

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