America’s longest-running sex-advice column!


by Joe Newton

1. Best advice on dating without resorting to apps?

Go places, do shit, meet people — fuck, rinse, repeat.

2. I’m about to visit a gay nudist resort for the first time (although I’ve been to heterosexual nudist resorts in the past). I’ve been bi all my life and am now in my 70s. What should I expect?

Dick if you’re lucky, crabs if you’re not.

3. I’m a heterosexual woman and I don’t like to kiss a guy after he’s gone down on me. Is there something wrong with me? Do most women not mind?

For some of us, making out with someone who just went down on us — someone who just ate our pussy or our ass or sucked our dick — presents us with an opportunity to taste a part of our bodies we would never be able to reach with our own tongues. But opportunity ≠ obligation. If you don’t...

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...ucked our dick — presents us with an opportunity to taste a part of our bodies we would never be able to reach with our own tongues. But opportunity ≠ obligation. If you don’t want to taste your own pussy or your own ass or your own cock, you don’t have to. Sending someone off to wash their face in the middle of sex would indeed be weird, but wiping someone’s face with the t-shirt you were wearing before you started fucking around can be kinda hot — but you gotta remember to call ’em a dirty pervert while you do. 4. Once you get tolyamory into everyday use, would you please craft a single gender-neutral word that could replace “sir” and “ma’am”? I’m non-binary and every customer service interaction makes me bristle because the employee — who is just being polite — always misgenders me. Can we have one word for all people instead of trying to discern gender in every interaction? My commie friends think comrade would work: “Your call is very important to us, comrade! Please remain on the line, comrade! Someone will be with you shortly, comrade!” But I think “homo” is a stronger choice. Not “homo” short for homosexual, but “homo” short for homo sapiens: “Welcome to Chili’s, homo. I’ll be your server, homo. What would you like, homo?” 5. I just came out as gay. I’ve always wanted an exclusive relationship, but I don’t think most gay guys are into that. I have accepted that pretty much any future boyfriend will either cheat on me or I will have to agree to an open relationship at some point because that’s what all gay couples do. I’m just looking for advice. There are gay men out there who want exclusive relationships and you should seek those men out. But in my experience — ahem — it’s almost always the person who insists on monogamy who cheats first. Not always, but almost always. So, in addition to wondering how you’ll react if and/or when your future boyfriend cheats on you and/or wants to open the relationship, spend some time thinking through how you’ll handle things if and/or when you cheat on him and/or wanna open the relationship. 6. My partner and I used to be hot and heavy, but now we’re in a sexless phase, and I’d like to get back to how we used to be. Any tips? This isn’t a problem you can solve unless your partner wants to solve it. So, talk to your partner, tell them you miss the great sex you used to have together, and ask them if they wanna work on reconnecting. Now, there’s a chance your partner won’t wanna solve this problem — they might not regard being sexless as a problem — but they’ll tell you they wanna work on it because that’s what you wanna hear. Sometimes a person tells their partner what they wanna hear because they don’t wanna hurt their feelings or because they’re not ready to have a conversation about the kind of reasonable accommodations that make sexless relationships work, e.g., permission to discreetly get sexual needs met elsewhere. If they say they wanna work on it and don’t, that’s their actual answer… and you’ll have to initiate the convo about reasonable accommodations. 7. On the one hand, my partner says he loves me, and that should make me feel secure. On the other hand, he’s resistant to phone calls. He has a zillion reasons why he doesn’t like talking on the phone, but they don’t add up. How do I get him to like doing phone calls? And phone sex? I have the same problem with my boyfriend — only it’s texting he hates, not phone calls. If anyone out there has managed to convert a texter into a caller or vice-versa, drop your advice on in the comments, please. 8. Best places to find straight feminist sex stories to get me revved up? Have you checked out Dipsea? They advertise on the Lovecast — full disclosure — but they’ve tons of great feminist erotica and other hot content. And while there’s no shortage of porn and erotica out there for men, gay and otherwise, there’s nothing quite like Dipsea for boys and I’m actually kinda jealous. 9. What do you do when your boyfriend’s dick often smells/tastes like urine and that is not a turn-on for you? You tell your boyfriend his dick stinks and that he’s gonna need to do a better job keeping it clean if he wants you to keep putting that thing in your mouth. If Paris was worth a mass… a blowjob is worth a bath. 10. Is hiring a surrogate to have a baby unethical? I have two kids and can’t physically carry again. The Pope thinks surrogacy is unethical — so whatever you decide to do, don’t hire that elderly celibate to carry your next baby for you. 11. Why don’t we have better words to describe the complexity of our relationships? I did my part with monogamish and tolyamorous… and the anime avatar kids did the rest. They/them came up with demisexual and pansexual and skoliosexual and androphilic and gynephilic and polyamory and polyfidelity and heteronormativity and homonormativity and repronormativity and on and on. There are so many words to describe our relationships these days — including our relationships with ourselves — that I can barely keep up. Before assuming a relationship type or dynamic doesn’t already have a name, you might wanna spend a little time scrolling through Ace Dad’s Instagram feed — because they’re doing a great job of chasing down the definitions for everything. 12. Is there a word for the man who you are the mistress of? Okay, I spent an hour scrolling through Ace Dad’s Instagram feed and I didn’t find the word you’re looking for. For all I know the word is out there — a word for a married male affair partner — but I wasn’t able to find it. If someone knows the right word and/or wants to make a suggestion, the comment thread is open. 13. New to BDSM play. How best to recover from the physical aftereffects? When kinksters talk about “aftercare,” they’re usually referring to emotional aftercare — some cuddles, some reassurance. But if you’re into physically challenging BDSM (impact play, TT, CBT, punishing bondage), the body need aftercare too: some ibuprofen, a hot bath, a gentle massage. 14. How do I convince my husband to allow my BF to sleep with us in our bedroom? If your husband is fine with you having a boyfriend but wants your bedroom to remain — at least for now — sacred to you as couple… I think you should respect his wishes. Having a boyfriend is a big ask, reserving the bedroom just for him a small one. 15. Anal sex with a condom and then oral sex with the condom off right after — is that safe? Safer than eating from a salad bar. 16. Did you buy the mug? I did. 17. My sister’s world was torn apart this week when her husband of fifteen years was arrested for having an affair with a 17-year-old student of his. They are now separating and who knows if my brother-in-law is going to jail. I want to provide support, but I am out of ideas. I have suggested therapy, STI testing, and finding a support group. Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Seeing a therapist, getting testing, and joining a support group — all good and necessary suggestions. But if your sister is getting help, got tested, and has some people to talk to who’ve gone through something similar, maybe she needs some distractions. So, suggest some shows to binge (Couple to Throuple, True Detective), some things to read (The Palace by Gareth Russell, The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen), and some places to go (cool restaurants, secluded cabins) that will take your sister’s mind off her troubles. 18. There’s a man at my gym who wears a cock cage. I can just see it through his shorts. I am also caged. Can I tell him I noticed his cage and let him know I’m also locked or would that be weird? “Might be weird,” said a friend who sometimes wears a cock cage to the gym. “Basically, ‘being locked’ and ‘wanting people to know you’re locked’ are sometimes correlated — but not always. So, while it may be fun to have a new caged buddy, there is a risk saying something will come off as, ‘Hey, stranger! I’m looking at your dick while you work out!’ Which may be unwelcome, as not everyone wants that kind of attention at the gym.” But if you see this guy in a bar some night and the vibe is dirty and flirty, you have the perfect opening line: “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.” 19. I have a semi partner, or a quasi-partner. I don’t really know what to call him, as he resists labels as well as conversations about defining our relationship. We’ve been seeing each other for a year. Is it too much to ask that we can talk about what we are to each other? He says he loves me, and I believe him. I love him, too. But I need some clarity. Clarity is not too much to ask — so ask away. If it scares him away, good riddance. 20. Is it passive-aggressive to save the phone number of your FWB’s BF as “Dave Rick’s Boyfriend”? Seeing as “Dave” and “Rick” are both such common names saving a few context clues is a good idea. The more detailed and explicit those context clues, the less likely you are to send a dick pick to a relative with the same first name. 21. How about hosting Savage Love Live at a time an elementary school teacher — and Magnum Sub — could actually attend? We will try to schedule a special late-night Savage Love Live soon! 22. How do you get a straight man to pull his weight around the house? By leaving him alone in it — not for the day or a weekend, but forever. 23. I think there’s potential with this woman I just met but she is not letting me miss her — meaning, she’s always texting, calling, and sending voice messages. We have only been on one date. I want to see here again but I am slow to warm to new people. I have used my words and she said she hears me but it hasn’t stopped. How many times do I explain my boundaries before I give up because this is not a price of admission that I can pay. Am I being unreasonable? You are not being unreasonable. The problem isn’t — or isn’t just — the texts, calls, and voice mails pouring in after one date, it’s the fact that you asked her to stop and she didn’t. So, she’s demonstrating poor impulse control (not something we look for in a romantic partner) along with zero ability to self-regulate (ditto). Tell her to knock it off one more time and if she doesn’t… no second date. 24. The way you talk about sounding on your podcast makes me think you’ve been sounded at some point. Care to share? A lady never tells. Got problems? Email your question to Dan here! Or record your question for the Lovecast here! Follow Dan on Instagram and Threads @DanSavage. Follow Dan on BlueSky @DanSavage. The best porn film festival in the world is currently touring cities across North America and Europe! Go to HUMP! Film Fest to check out the new films and get your HUMP! 2024 now!

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