I’m a male in my late 60’s with what I think is an unusual problem. My wife of almost 40 years and I have a good sex life and it’s gotten better since the kids moved out. Every two or three days, I give my wife a neck and deep gluteal massage and then she gives me a blow job. Sometimes I manually stimulate her to orgasm, usually while I’m in her mouth. We both enjoy this routine, but in the past three or four years, she has occasionally wanted vaginal sex, which we used to have, and I can’t get quite hard enough to perform. After I penetrate her, we have sex for a while, but I don’t orgasm. When this happens, I wash myself and she gives me a blow job, but she’s frustrated because she thinks the problem is her when the problem is all mine. She worries I don’t find her attractive anymore, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve tried three prescription medicines, but none helped.
I think that my problem is that I’ve always enjoyed oral sex more than vaginal sex, so I have no problems getting erections for oral sex, and I don’t get quite as excited when we have vaginal sex. She has suggested that I contact a psychologist who specializes in sex therapy, but they’re expensive and I don’t think they will be any help. Any suggestions?
Blow Jobs Often Better
The problem isn’t that you don’t find your wife of forty years attractive — the double negative was impossible to avoid — but that you’ve always found oral sex more arousing. Oral was always likelier to get you there and it may not be as simple as preference anymore: sex acts/positions/narratives that were arousing enough to get us there at thirty — things that made you hard and kept you hard enough to get you off — may not be arousing enough to get us hard, keep us hard, etc., at age sixty.
Meanwhile, BJOB, your wife wants to bring PIV into regular rotation because… well, I can only speculate. Maybe vaginal intercourse is more pleasurable for her. Maybe she wants to look into your eyes once in a while instead of your lap. Maybe, after nearly forty years, she’s done sucking your cock. (That happens — and usually a lot sooner.) And just as it’s gotten harder for you to obtain and sustain an erection as you’ve grown older, BJOB, the work it takes to suck you off — they’re called blowjobs for a reason (har har) — has gotten harder for her as she’s grown older.
I would urge you to go see sex therapist together, BJOB, someone who can facilitate a conversation between you and your wife about shared sexual interests, aging bodies, what once worked, what still does, etc. A good sex therapist can help you find compromises and hacks that make sex better and more enjoyable for both of you — and maybe hearing you tell someone else you’re still attracted to your wife will convince her it’s true.
A few practical sex tips/hacks: Instead of starting with vaginal intercourse and then pivoting to oral — after breaking for a quick whore’s bath — why not start with oral, get really close (say it with me, kids: get or get gotten to the point of orgasmic inevitability), and then finish with vaginal? And if being manually stimulated to orgasm is good enough for your wife (most of the time), BJOB, it should be good enough for you (most of the time): while they can be annoying to clean, a high-quality Fleshlight masturbatory aide — when lubed up and wielded the right way — can come pretty close to simulating oral sex. And using one (the wife’s job) and then cleaning one (that’s your job) is lot less work than giving a blowjob. Get some vibrators while you’re toy shopping, a couple of penetrative toys, and — if it’s long penetration sessions your wife wants — get a dildo harness.
And then when your wife does suck your dick, BJOB, you’ll know it’s because she’s feeling it — she’s in the mood to suck dick and wants to suck yours — and you’ll be able to relax and enjoy the blowjob without the guilt.
Three important data points:
1. Same-sex marriage of 10 years.
2. He is 60, I am 71.
3. I still love him and believe he loves me.
When I first met my husband the sex was the best I had ever had. Now, my husband claims he doesn’t want to have sex because he’s gained weight. What can I do? When we do have sex, it consists of me giving him a blowjob as he just lies there. This occurs about six times a year. At best, I get his hand on my cock until he comes, then I have to finish myself off. This is not enough for me in regard to frequency or mutual engagement. We talked about the infrequency issue two years ago and agreed to schedule sex. That did not last. A year ago, we talked about his lack of engagement and the response was that he did not feel sexy or attractive anymore. But I still find him as sexy and attractive as ever! In our conversations about this, he claims (and I believe him) that he is not seeking sex elsewhere, and is not seeking relief otherwise. He refused my suggestion that we could see a counselor and insists he wants to work this out privately. I am increasingly impatient — I need to fuck and get fucked — and worried this situation will not improve.
Three numbered questions:
1. Seek sex outside the marriage? If so, how to broach this subject?
2. Hold on for another (period of time?) and if no change, seek a separation/divorce?
3. Give up as this has gone on for some time now?
Justifying Increasingly Sexless Marriage
Three numbered answers:
1. This particular subject — opening up your marriage — seems easily broached, JISM, consdering most gay marriages are open. And seeing as gay couples are less likely to divorce than straight or lesbian couples, a little realism about (or fatalism towards) outside sexual contact appears to be a stabilizing force in our marriages, JISM, not a destabilizing one. Take your relationship: right now you’re contemplating divorce because you’re not getting the sex you need at home. If you were allowed to get a little of that sex elsewhere — if you were allowed to take supplements — you wouldn’t be contemplating divorce.
2. If you were a younger man, JISM, I might advise you to end your marriage in the hopes of finding someone who was the complete package, i.e., a man who loves you as much as you love him and wants to fuck you as often as you wanna be fucked. But starting over at your age seems like much a bigger lift than getting your husband to okay seeking sex outside your marriage and/or doing what you need to do to stay married and stay sane.
3. I think you should give up — not on your marriage, JISM, but on forcing your husband to have sex he doesn’t wanna have. It’s possible your husband has lost interest in sex and his weight gain is just an excuse; it’s also possible your husband is depressed or may be suffering from a hormonal imbalance. Encourage him to see his doctor and get a full physical and mental health workup. But if he’s fine and his hormone levels are normal and he isn’t willing to do what it takes (physically or emotionally) to feel more comfortable in his body, you should insist on being released from the monogamous commitment you made when he did wanna fuck you.
I’m a bisexual cis man in my late 60s. I’ve been in a loving companionate marriage for more than forty years. My wife learned I was actively bi when we were dating and continued to be early in our marriage. I was monogamous for many years but that changed after our last child was born and my wife lost virtually all interest in sex. DADT worked well for us, and I was blessed with some wonderful male FWBs over the years. We are a team — we’re a great team — and we love each other very much. That’s a bit of background that may or may not relate to my reason for writing.
I officially retired a couple of years ago, closing my business of thirty years. We’re not rich but we are comfortable and secure. As circumstances would have it, I got involved in a project upon retirement that turned out to be a great success. — arguably the biggest professional success in my life — and it involved some traveling. My wife accompanied me on one trip, but didn’t enjoy it much. She also has some health challenges that make physical activity a challenge for her.
I’m torn. My wife was hoping we would take things much easier in retirement. To have opportunities I never dreamed of during my “working years” is exciting beyond belief, and a big part of me really wants to continue to pursue them. But if this new project continues to take off it would keep me on the road a lot and seriously upend my wife’s expectations about what our lives would look like once I retired. The traditional person in me recognizes the obligations to take care of her and to put her needs in front of mine. We have adult children, but none live nearby, so I can’t rely on any of them to pick up my slack if I am traveling. Any thoughts?
Rethinking Everything That Involved Retirement Expectations Daily
People are going to think you’re a shit if you abandon your wife of forty years to run off with the bisexual circus or a KISS cover band or whatever this new project is. Your wife will think you’re a shit, your kids will think you’re a shit, your advice columnist, his readers will think you’re a shit, and you will think you’re a shit. So, if you wanna do this without being a shit, RETIRED, you need to make it work for your wife too.
Zooming out for a second: You shared a few details about your wife’s health and her expectations about retirement — not in great health, wants to stay in one place — but you don’t mention how she feels about this new opportunity. You say you’re excited. Okay, how’s the wife feeling? Is she excited for you? Is she afraid for herself? The absence of any details about how she’s feeling leads me to believe you two are handling this opportunity the same way you used to handle your FWBs: she’s not asking, you’re not telling. If you’ve fallen into old patterns here — avoiding discussions and details that might be upsetting — you need to risk telling your wife exactly what you want and then asking her what she wants.
And you might get a better response from her… you might get closer to hearing what you wanna hear… if you can list the ways this new opportunity might benefit her, RETIRED, and not just you. She may not be able to join you on the road, RETIRED, but is there some place she’s always wanted to live — a potential new homebase for you both — where there are other people around who would be around when you were away? Does she want to move closer to your adult children or her old friends? If she prefers to stay in the home she’s made for forty years (perfectly understandable!), will you be making enough money to employ a paid lady’s companion — they’re not just for dowager duchesses anymore — or, perhaps more realistically, to fly one or two of your children in when you’re away for more than a day or two?
In short, RETIRED, you’re excited to run off with the bisexual circus (or whatever!) because there are upsides for you, e.g., money, meaning, travel. If you’re going to do this without being a complete shit, RETIRED, you need to figure out — together with your wife — what the potential upsides are for her.
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