On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and do my best to sit on my hands and let my readers give the advice…
My boyfriend (MF couple, live together, both in our 40s) has a wonderful eight-year-old son that we have with us half the time. He’s a great kid! He has a great sense of humor, he’s naturally athletic, he doesn’t know a stranger. For this childless millennial woman who was never sure about kids (probably because I was always with the wrong partners before), having this kid and such an amazing boyfriend has completed my life in a way I didn’t know was possible. The only thing is that kiddo does have pretty severe ADHD and really struggles with emotional regulation. Since I don’t have kids of my own, I don’t really know what is typical. But I do know that spending an afternoon or a weekend with him...
...what is typical. But I do know that spending an afternoon or a weekend with him is often a lot of fun but also exhausting.
So, now the question. Kiddo has started to ask questions about bodies and he seems to come to me with these questions. So, I did done some reading on “age-appropriate” explanations for kids. I’ve explained about women having three holes while men have two. We’ve talked about the vagina, and the way a baby gets out of the body.
Recently, he started asking about underwear. He actually stole a pair of my undies (nothing sexy — just some basic granny panties). I found them in his closet while putting away laundry. When I told his mom about this, she said he did the same with hers. There have also been some other things that have happened recently that make me think his brain is ahead of his body in terms of puberty. Eight is young for a boy to mature, but some of his comments lead me to believe he’s starting to explore his body.
Adding all this together (along with just some vibes), I think he might be queer and/or kinky. But even if he’s not, it’s really important to me that he be raised in a sex-positive environment. So what should we do at this point? He asked me some things about women’s underwear and then told me about some times he saw women nearly naked. We talked about different people liking to wear different kinds and amounts of clothing. And I told him about what a nudist is. I also used the opportunity to talk about consent and how as he gets older he will explore his body in new ways.
I also offered to show him a pair of my underwear if he was curious about women’s underwear. He said no. But I think he may have stolen another pair. I’m worried that, if we don’t let him explore this, it could become a thing for him, because it feels taboo. But, then again, can you just buy an eight-year-old boy his own pair of women’s underwear rather than let him steal them? How do we handle this?
And any other tips for raising a possibly queer/kinky kid in a sex-positive, totally amicable co-parenting situation?
Parental Anxieties Need To Sooth
If you have some advice for PANTS…
Wait! Just one thing I’d wanna say before turning it over… better to emphatically emphasize boundaries even at the risk of creating a taboo (and panties becoming more of a “thing” than they may already be), PANTS, than to send your kid out into the world thinking 1. there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing and 2. it isn’t actually that upsetting to have your panties stolen. Basically, you don’t want your kid to be this guy (who may or may not exist) when he grows up.
Okay, readers, turning it over to you — I know a lot of you are parents, many of you parents of adult children. If you faced something similar with your kid, what did you say or do? Or wish you’d said or done? And if you were that kid, what did parents say or do? Or what do you wish they had done or said?
If you have some advice for PANTY, please drop it in the comments!
