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The Thursday Letter: Naked and Afraid

by Dan Savage

One quick bit of feedback from an annoyed listener before we get to this week’s Thursday Letter: Says Wayne via email…

Hi, Dan! I love nearly everything you have to say but there’s one big exception: you have a seriously unhealthy feeling about nudity. I’ve noticed it for years, but you topped yourself a few weeks ago. I was appalled at your comments about nude marchers in the Pride Parade, going so far as to call those people “gross.” Really? The body is gross? The body that everyone has? The body in its natural state? The body that facilitates all the sex that you spend your career talking about?

OMG, what if children saw nude people? The better question is, why do we teach children that there’s anything wrong with the uncovered human body? This fear of nudity is the most arbitrary, yet ubiquitous, of all societal rules. You, of all people, should see through this unhealthy, unnatural and repressive attitude, which has no basis in reason. And where does it come from? You are famous for rejecting religious beliefs, especially those that are arbitrarily cherry picked from the Bible, the Koran, or wherever. But the repressive views about nudity that you seem to adopt come from that very odious source. You have learned from the Puritans.

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I know that you dialed it back a bit last week but you didn’t go nearly far enough. You merely acknowledged the other side. What’s incredible to me is that you freely talk about every kink without shame but then shame the most natural of all things. You talk about all sorts of bodily fluids and messy sex practices (which generally require nudity) without hesitation, but at the same time, you cringe at the idea of being naked in public.
I have an idea for you — a type of aversion therapy: Seattle certainly has many college art classes and drawing groups that require life models to pose nude. I’ve been doing it for five years and totally love it. I pose nude for three hours a couple of times each week, in front of audiences ranging from people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s to classes consisting for pre-college high school girls. I frequently get applause at the end. You should try it. You’d be great and you’d get over your weird hangup.
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I’d be honored to get a response if you have the time.
Thanks for the feedback, Wayne… but I think you meant to say “exposure therapy,” not “aversion therapy.”
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During exposure therapy, someone with an irrational fear of snakes (or whatever) is exposed to snakes (or whatever) in a safe, limited, and controlled manner. The idea — the hope — is that this gentle exposure to snakes (or whatever) will make the that person feel more comfortable around snakes (or, again, whatever). The goal of aversion therapy — “a behavioral treatment that aims to reduce unwanted behavior by pairing it with an unpleasant or uncomfortable experience” — is to increase someone’s discomfort with a given behavior, not to make them more comfortable with it.
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But you kind of got it right: being “required” to stand naked in front of a room full of people would definitely function, at least for me, as a form of aversion therapy. I would leave that room and immediately go get myself a burqa. But that’s just me, Wayne, and I recognize that this is a me problem. Which is why you haven’t seen me trying to stop people from running around naked Denny Blaine Park or getting their cocks out at Seattle Pride… or anywhere else in Seattle, as public nudity is legal in Seattle.
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Zooming out for a second: nude marchers at Pride can’t make people feel more comfortable with nudity — and that’s one of the reasons nude marchers tell me they march nude — if there aren’t people at Pride who are uncomfortable with nudity. So, in a way… when you think about it… by showing up at Pride with hangups about nudity… I’m doing nude marchers a favor.
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And while I admit that my feelings about public nudity exist in tension with my feelings about other forms of sexual expression that may (or may not!) require nudity… you can’t argue there’s nothing inherently sexual about nudity and then argue there’s something hypocritical about a person endorsing private (and sometimes messy) sexual practices that require nudity being uncomfortable with public nudity. I would argue that nudity can exist in different contexts — in sexual and non-sexual contexts — but arguing that no distinction should be made between nude sunbathers at the beach and nude buttfuckers at the baths, Wayne, you’re suggesting that all nudity is inherently sexual. I don’t believe that, Wayne, and I don’t think you believe either, but that’s the corner you’ve painted yourself into with this argument.
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Okay, here’s this week’s Thursday Letter…

First time/long time, yadda yadda. I’m a divorced 42-year-old guy and I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a little over four months. The connection we share is fucking wild and the sex is even better. I’ve never been able to feel so present, so desired and so embodied and she says it’s the same for her. Like seriously, afterwards we turn to each other and are like, “What the fuck was that and who the fuck are we?” It’s primal. It’s wild what happens when you have sex with someone you share a deep connection with!

We’ve played around with some light BDSM (collars, ties, toys, candles) and it’s been hotter and more fulfilling (and healing!) than I could have ever possibly imagined. There’s no issue per se, though we don’t really have that much guidance on what to do beyond what I’ve picked up from 25+ years of porn consumption. (Thanks, internet!)

My girlfriend recently suggested we explore Kama Sutra and tantra but I don’t even know where to start, and when I search Kagi (because fuck Google), I can’t seem to figure out who the trustworthy voices and authors are. Do you have any suggestions for authors and/or books we should look into to get started?

On The Table

I’m recusing myself from this one because I know fuck all about tantra. If there’s anyone out there with some experience and/or relevant experience who wants to share, feel free to drop your advice, your book recommendations, and your guru’s socials into the comment thread.

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