Been away for two weeks — happy to return to a packed inbox. Let’s get to the questions! — Dan
I’ve wavered on sending this but I need advice. There’s this woman I’ve known most of my life. We are very close and we have as close to an open book friendship as I can think of. We’ve shared everything. I now realize that I have romantic feelings for her that I never acted on. I’m 35, she’s 36. The wrinkle is that she’s now married with three small children. Our correspondence lately has recently gotten kind of flirtatious. I get the sense that she’s not happy in her marriage and I’m waiting for it to run its course. I want to be a supportive friend but I’m also interested in her in a way I’m almost certain she would reciprocate given the right circumstances, maybe years from now. What’s my best course of action here?
Personal Advice Is Needed
The fact that this woman seems unhappy in her marriage isn’t proof that 1. she’s actually unhappy (married people love to complain) or that 2. she’s unhappy enough to do something about it (current relationship satisfaction isn’t the only variable). Middle-aged, married, and responsible for small kids is an incredibly stressful stage of life, especially in a country that seems determined to make being a parent as difficult as possible. And as women in straight marriages still do more than their fair share of the household labor and childcare, straight married women have a lot to complain about. (Here’s hoping this woman’s husband is doing his fair share.) So, while this woman, like a lot of middle-aged moms, may fantasize about alternative timelines… timelines where she’s married to someone who helps out more and impregnates her less… it doesn’t follow that she would leave her husband to be with you or anyone else.
Zooming out: If your conversations with this woman were actually flirtatious (“kind of” flirtatious sounds like dickful thinking)… and if you knew for a fact that she was unhappy in her marriage (because she’d told you exactly that)… then I might encourage you to tell this woman how you feel. But unless and until things escalate — unless and until she starts saying things like “I wanna fuck you” and “I want out of my marriage” — there’s a good chance you’re reading things into your conversations with your old friend that are probably untrue. If things were to get unambiguous, PAIN, you could risk saying something to her. And if turns out she does want out of her marriage, knowing how you feel might encourage her to get out sooner. But unless and until things get unambiguous… unless and until it’s her telling you what you wanna hear, TITS, and not just your dick… your best course of action is to STFU.
P.S. Supportive friends don’t have ulterior motives.
I’m a bisexual married male. I came out to my spouse before I slept with a man for the first time, which I did with her permission. In the end I contracted a sexually transmitted infection during that first foray. I have a question about doxy and a follow-up question about gym etiquette. (I can’t really ask my doctor because I live in Texas.) How soon after a sexual encounter should I take my doxy? I think my mishap was due to me misunderstanding the directions. Which leads me to my gym question: I joined the gym for community more than anything else. I am not happy with my body, but it seems as though my body won’t be holding me back. I have been propositioned a few times and I love feeling desired by other men like this! I’ve heard stories about sexual things happening in the showers at the gym, but I don’t know whether this sort of thing is officially okay. Is messing around in the showers or the sauna actually okay?
Thirsty In The Shower
1. Doxy directions aren’t that complicated, TITS, and they’re easily googled. But I’m here to help: Take your 200 mg dose of doxycycline as soon as possible after you have sex with another man — ideally within 24 hours, but no later than 72 hours — but don’t take more than 200 mg in any 24-hour period. (So, if you have sex with some dude in the morning and take your doxy immediately after, TITS, don’t take another round of doxy if you have sex with some other dude in that night.) Taking doxy greatly reduces your risk of contracting (and passing along) syphilis and chlamydia; it also reduces your risk of catching/spreading gonorrhea. You should also be on PrEP, which will protect you from HIV. And if you can’t talk to your doctor about these things, TITS, you need a different/better doctor.
2. A gym is not a sex club, TITS, so it’s not okay — officially — to mess around with other guys at the gym. But the stories you’ve heard aren’t urban legends: unlike men putting gerbils in their asses (a fading urban legend that’s just had new life breathed into it), out gay and bi men have been known to mess around at gyms in urban gay neighborhoods. (Closet cases, on the other hand, mess around at gyms near suburban megachurches.) For many men, the fact that it’s not okay — because a gym is not a sex club — is part of the thrill. But if you decide to take part, TITS, please be discreet, vigilant, and surgical: don’t mess around in front of guys who haven’t clearly signaled an interest in messing around or watching other guys mess around (that’s the discreet part); keep one eye on the door to the sauna and knock it off the second someone else enters (that’s the vigilant part); and don’t draw things out (that’s the surgical part). Guys who are indiscreet, careless, and sloppy about messing around at the gym get their memberships revoked.
P.S. If you actually wanted to cancel your gym membership — something most gyms make nearly impossible — getting “caught” messing around at the gym may be the best way to do it.
P.P.S. To learn the difference between friendly smile-and-nod eye contact at the gym and come-join-me-in-the-sauna-after-this-set eye contact at the gym, get your hands on a copy of Leo Herrera’s (Analogue) Cruising: A Manual.
I’m a 24-year-old woman married to a 27-year-old man. We’ve been together about six years and our sex life has always been off. He was a virgin when we met, and I struggled with low libido for a few years due to a hormone issue that has been fixed. He was the opposite: he wanted to bang nearly every day. Over the last two years sex became more one-sided. There’s less foreplay, less stuff for me, and he just focuses on whatever helps him finish. I suggested spicing things up, I talked about things I enjoyed, and even flat-out asked for more. He would say, “Sure, yeah, I guess,” and then nothing would change. When I told him I was frustrated he said he gets embarrassed when we do things my way. (I like a little light restraint/choking.) But his “embarrassment” now extends to him being uncomfortable with any foreplay at all. He says he sees himself with his “third eye” and he feels disgusted when he attempts “my” things. So, while we’re having sex pretty frequently, the sex we have is one-sided and all about him. He has body-image and self-esteem issues, and I want to be as sensitive as I can be talk with him about needing more. I’m afraid that it will sound like he isn’t enough. I love him but I’ve cried myself to sleep every night this week because I feel used.
A Frustrated Woman
So, when it comes to the things you need — including basic foreplay — your husband’s third eye functions like a Flock camera: it’s always on, it sees everything, AFW, and being surveilled like this (which he’s doing to himself) makes him too embarrassed and self-conscious to do anything you enjoy. But the magic Flock camera in his head snaps off the second he starts doing whatever he wants. So, putting in a little effort to make sure his wife is aroused before he sticks his dick in her? Third eye says no. But sticking his dick in his wife and using her like a masturbation sleeve — behavior that hurts you, disgusts me, and should embarrass him — third eye blind.
You’ve already told him what you need repeatedly, AFW, and nothing has changed. Unless you’re prepared to put up with this shit for the rest of your life — unless you’re willing to be held hostage by your husband’s intermittently crippling self-esteem issues — you should leave him. You’re only 24, AFW, and you don’t mention kids. You’d be better off on your own with a vibrator and some decent bondage porn than stuck with a guy who treats you like a tube sock. DTMFA.
P.S. Choking during sex — even light choking — is dangerous. Ask your next boyfriend to hold you down by placing his hands on your sternum and collarbones, not by wrapping them around your neck.
P.P.S. Even if you’re not ready to leave him, AFW, you have to stop prioritizing his feelings over your own. Tell him you’re unhappy, tell him the days of one-sided sex are over, and tell that your marriage is at stake. If hearing that motivates him to make lasting change, maybe you can stay. If it doesn’t and you don’t, definitely you should leave.
I don’t know if you’re aware of Chris Gallant. He’s the Democrat nominee running to represent New York’s 1st Congressional District. This district — which covers the eastern halves of Long Island and Fire Island— is currently represented by Nick LaLota, the worst kind of ass-kissing Trump Republican. Chris was in the news this week because he did some modeling for Mr. S. Leather when he was in his early twenties and someone found the photos and sent them to the New York Post. This seems like something your readers and listeners might want to know about.
Gay Old Photos
I wasn’t aware that a hot military veteran, air traffic controller, and volunteer firefighter — Chris Gallant — was running for Congress until after the New York Post published photos of Gallant looking amazing in a harness. Gallant, who is gay and out, immediately released a pitch-perfect statement in which he said he was proud of who he was and would not be shamed into dropping out of the race. (He then sent out a fundraising pitch.) The Suffolk County Democratic Committee, to its credit, stands by their man: the only thing the publication of these old photos proved, the organization said in an Instagram post, is that Republicans are running scared and that “Chris Gallant has a six-pack.” (And, really, shouldn’t the man representing a big chunk of Fire Island have a six-pack?)
The fact that Gallant may be kinky — most of the models Mr. S. works with are actually kinksters themselves (ahem) — is an argument in favor of sending him to Washington. People into BDSM understand the importance of consent, so sending Gallant to a place crawling with men (and at least one women) who don’t seem to understand the importance of consent. Also, given that everyone under the age of 40 (Gallant is 37) has dirty photos out there somewhere, disqualifying Gallant from holding public office for having a few dirty pics out there — disqualifying all people with dirty pics out there — is going to make our already awful gerontocracy problem even worse. Gallant for Congress!
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
Subscribe Now GiftGot problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]!
Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!
Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love