Much Obliged

... I felt hurt, and she apologized, but I don’t think I was clear that this had long-term implications, like I would be wary of trying to initiate again and be on high alert for feeling pressured. I’ve had more sexual fantasies than usual since then and I’ve been watching more porn. I’ve watched a lot of videos that are about degrading the women involved — maybe because I stick to the free stuff — and I don’t feel great about the content I’m watching, which generally features big dicks and small women. I don’t believe there’s anything  ethically wrong here, as we’re both totally supportive of private self-pleasure within the context of our monogamous marriage, but I’ve gone down this weird rabbit hole where watching someone get overpowered or overwhelmed is turning me on. The reason I’m writing is that it feels like I’ve created distance between us by not sharing that I’ve been feeling kind of hypersexual for the last three months. But I don’t want the conversation to bring up “shoulds” about our sex life or to increase her expectations about how much sex we’re going to have. I would like this to translate into an opportunity for us rather than a further disconnect. Also, the kind of porn I’m watching does not reflect our erotic dynamic at all. I’m enjoying watching someone pushing someone else’s boundaries but being on the receiving end of that treatment would not be hot for me. And big dicks (fake or otherwise) are not a part of our bedroom play — they are particularly off limits for my wife — and I wouldn’t want them to be. Is there a way for me to harness this sexual energy and involve my wife? Being secretive is distasteful to me. Do I try to explain the fantasy storylines when I don’t think it will really work for us? I’m also aware that we have an impending deadline where our lives are about to change. Is it even worth the bother of bringing her into it now? Bringing Up Misogynist Pleasures Isn’t sex — in the context of a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship — something of an obligation? Like mortgages, obligations aren’t sexy to think about, BUMP, and no one wants to be reminded of an overdue mortgage payment right before they fuck. But aren’t two people who’ve made a monogamous commitment — like the one you and your wife made — obligated to meet each other’s reasonable sexual needs? Now, no one is obligated to make themselves sexually available to a spouse at all times — a monogamous commitment is not a “free use” kink contract (for the record: kink “contracts” are legally unenforceable dirty talk) — and every couple is going to have dry spells and sulking is never sexy and sometimes a married person has to take care of themselves. (And if you’re having a child, you’re volunteering for for a very long dry spell.) But if your wife can only come to you for sex and vice-versa, BUMP, aren’t you obligated to meet each other’s reasonable sexual needs at reasonable intervals? Isn’t that part of the deal? (Sexual exclusivity in the absence of sexual activity is celibacy, not monogamy.) My husband and I have been in an open marriage for more than two decades — it’s been fun reading all week about how polyamorous relationships like ours never work out — and while he doesn’t rely on me to meet all his sexual needs and vice-versa, I nevertheless feel obligated to meet his needs myself and/or make sure he has the space and time to get his sexual needs met elsewhere. And when we were monogamous, BUMP, which we were for the first four years we were together, I felt obligated (in a sexy way!) to meet as many of his sexual needs as I possibly could. (“If not me, who? If not now, honey, maybe tomorrow night? And would you like a handjob to tide you over until tomorrow?”) Anyway, BUMP, it’s been months since your wife derailed “The Right Moment” by saying “The Wrong Thing” — my husband says the wrong thing to me twice before breakfast — and what she said was shitty and thoughtless. But I worry you’re more invested in punishing your wife than you are in getting past this, BUMP, even if punishing her does lasting damage to sexual connection and thus your marriage. Instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt and rounding her thoughtless comment down to “Compliment In Shit Disguise” (your wife is still attracted to you! she’s missed having sex with you!), you’ve opted to round that thoughtless comment up to “Interaction That Ruined Everything.” I think you need to ask yourself whether you’ve stopped initiating sex with your wife because you just can’t anymore — not after the interaction that ruined everything — or if you’ve made up your mind to stop initiating sex to punish your wife. You also need to ask yourself whether you’re on “high alert” for feeling pressured because you were so traumatized by your wife’s insensitivity (you were on mandatory pelvic rest!), BUMP, or if you’re choosing to interpret any expression of sexual desire on her part as “pressure” so you can withhold sex from your wife — sex you would also like to be having — in order to make sure she understands the “long-term implications” of her insensitive remark. And if the answer to both those questions is yes, BUMP, then you’re not just punishing your wife by refusing to initiate and shutting down when you feel pressured, you’re punishing yourself. Moving on to your actual question: Should you share the fantasies you’re currently having (and the porn you’re currently consuming) with your wife? No. Seeing as your current sexual fantasies could be the sexual equivalent of cravings for weird food combos that’ll end once you give birth, there’s no reason to share these sexual fantasies with your wife. Even if they persist after the birth of your child, you aren’t obligated to share every sexual fantasy you have with your spouse, BUMP, especially fantasies your spouse doesn’t share. (That goes double for sexual fantasies that could make your spouse feel insecure or inadequate.) My advice would be different if you thought your wife might share your fantasies, BUMP, but seeing as dicks — big and small, real and silicone — are a turn-off for your wife, and seeing as being on the receiving end of being overpowered would be a turn-off for you, I think you should keep your fantasies about dick-and-degradation to yourself, especially as they may be fleeting. So, what do you say to your wife now? How about this: “I’m sorry I’ve let this drag on so long — fact is, I’ve been desperately horny for months, but I’ve been sulking since the last time I tried to get something started. In that moment, you seemed to forget the real reason we hadn’t been having sex: I’m pregnant, as you know, and I was on mandatory pelvic rest for a while there. But it’s a good sign that you missed sex so much you were frustrated, even if you expressed your frustration poorly. So, how about we make a deal: You apologize to me one more time — I need to hear it again — and this time I will accept your apology for real. I will also stop being paranoid about sex being a ‘should.’ We absolutely should be having sex, honey, especially right now because having it after the baby comes is going to be a lot harder. Now, get over here and sit on my face.” P.S. No one is obligated to fuck a spouse who is emotionally or physically abusive — an emotionally or physically abusive spouse gets left, not laid — and someone who neglects their personal hygiene or who is lazy and selfish sexually or who doesn’t do their fair share of the household labor has no one to blame but themselves for their sexless lives. P.P.S. Come on now, BUMP: You’re not watching porn that features big dicks and women being degraded because they’re free, you’re watching that kind of porn because — for whatever reason —  that’s the kind of porn that turns you on right now. My husband and I have been together for more than twenty years. He is a hung manly Marlboro man type top and I’m a sub kind of daddy bottom. We’re both in pretty good shape, tatted up, we have a great life together, we’re still in love, etc. But we haven’t had sex together for a very long time. I have always stepped out for anon sex on weekdays with different guys from Sniffies or Grindr, while he got himself off sexting with guys he never met up with. But he has developed a thing with a guy he met on Scruff and made plans to meet this guy on a Sunday afternoon soon. Nights and weekends are supposed to be our time as a couple, and I find myself feeling upset and jealous. I don’t have a leg to stand on here, since I have a lot of sex during “work hours,” and I feel like I shouldn’t judge him for this. Who am I to judge him when I’m getting fucked as often as I can? But I have no emotional connection to any of the men who fuck me whereas he seems kind of infatuated with his new guy. I feel like the trust is kind of gone and I don’t know what to do. Sunday Plans Upending Marital Equilibrium If by “the trust is gone” you mean “I can no longer trust my husband to jerk off alone in front of his laptop while I’m getting my ass fucked five days a week,” then, sure, the trust is gone. But that seems a little dramatic, SPUME. I mean, your husband did come to you and ask for permission before meeting up with this guy from Scruff. So, earning your trust still matters to him. Zooming out for a second: While anonymous sex works for you — anon turns you on and meets your needs — it doesn’t work for your husband. While you can be sexual with strangers and feel nothing before or after (save anticipation and hopefully gratitude), it doesn’t sound like your husband is wired the same way. He needs a connection, SPUME, and while it was enough for your husband to connect with men he met online for cybersex — and for all you know he may have been infatuated with some of those men (people have fallen in love online) — now he wants to meet up with someone in person. And I don’t see how you could possibly deny your husband permission to have actual sex with one actual man after all the actual sex you’ve had with scores of actual men, even if it means sacrificing a Sunday. That said, there is a category difference here: You don’t make personal connections with the guys you fuck, and your husband seems to have made one with this guy already. You’re entitled to feel your feelings, SPUME, and that includes reasonable/non-weaponized feelings of insecurity. And while you and your husband have released each other from any obligation to meet each other’s sexual needs, you are obligated — still and always — to meet each other’s reasonable/non-weaponized emotional needs. So, if you’re feeling insecure, SPUME, your husband is obliged to offer you reassurance. All he can offer you in advance of this sex date are words (“I still love you, I’m not going anywhere”), SPUME, but after he hooks up with this guy he can reassure you with actions (coming home, loving you, not going anywhere). You’ve had your fun, and plenty of it. Ask him for a little reassurance, SPUME, and then let him go have his. P.S. Men have fallen in love with men they initially met up with for anonymous sex. (I personally know two guys who met their future husbands during anonymous sexual encounters. It happens!) So, while your odds of falling for any one of your anon hookups may have been low, SPUME, they were never zero. And while I’m no statistician, I’d say the risk your husband tolerated over the years — the cumulative risk of your many anonymous weekday hookups — may be greater than the risk your husband is asking you to tolerate on a single Sunday evening. Got problems? 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