Quickies

...17;s Guide to Glass Toys!” P.S. The existence of safe-for-use quality glass dildos is not a green light to put fluorescent light bulbs in your pussies (it could shatter) or shot glasses up your asses (they will get lost in there). Don’t be dumb. You can follow SheBop on Instagram @SheBopTheShop and shop for toys on their website or at one of their two silicone-dick-and-mortar locations in Portland. 2. My on again/off again ex of many years was recently widowed. We had our difficulties, but we also had some great sex. I was thinking of making one more run at her. What would be a considerate time to wait before approaching her? Judging from a recent question from a widowed caller and some helpful feedback from two women who lost their husbands, widows’ fire — “a disorienting, intense, and unwelcome surge of sexual desire occurring after partner loss,” according to the Association for Death Education and Counseling — kicks in at about six months. I would suggest sending your condolences at least three months before sending a “Hey, you up?” text. (And, yes, there’s a dating app specifically for widows and widowers experiencing widow’s fire.) 3. My wife of sixteen years has begun to lose interest in sex in a BIG way. We are on completely different wavelengths regarding the frequency of sex and the variety of sex. (Particularly pegging.) How do I remain in this marriage when I feel that a HUGE part of me is being neglected? Before the commenters jump in: Are you doing something wrong? Are you doing everything wrong? Are you neglecting your personal hygiene? Are you doing your fair share of the household labor? And when you do have sex — which isn’t as often or as varied as you would like — is your wife getting off? (You only mention one sex act — pegging — and while many women enjoy pegging their male partners, none of your wife’s nerve endings are located in a dildo.) If you’re doing everything right and the sex is infrequent and unfulfilling, you have four options: ask for permission to get it elsewhere, get it elsewhere without permission, leave in the hopes of getting it elsewhere, or stay and suck it up. 4. How do you find a third for a threesome? If you’re a gay couple, you can go to a bar or bathhouse or create a joint couples account on Threads or Instagram and wait for one of the “normalize monogamy in the gay community” boys to slide into your DMs. If you’re a straight couple, you can get on a hookup app like Feeld or 3Fun or #Open. Good luck! 5. Forty-year age gaps? I will not tolerate any hate being directed at Dick Van Dyke — that man is a national treasure. Yes, his wife is 46 years younger than he is, but they seem very happy together and love is love is love. P.S. Age gaps are good actually. 6. Is there an evolutionary reason for prostate pleasure/orgasms?  “Great question,” said Dr. Matilda Brindle, an evolutionary biologist at the University of Oxford. “I wish there was more research into this — just as I wish there was more research into the female orgasm. (People just throw their hands up and look the other way because, hey, if it’s not a penis, who gives a shit!?!) I’m no expert in this, but my answer would probably be that the prostate is densely packed with nerves because it’s crucial for ejaculation, which requires surprisingly precise motor control. For obvious reasons, ejaculating is pretty important for reproduction! So, given that the prostate is a control center for ejaculation, prostate pleasure is probably closely linked to the same neural circuitry that makes penile orgasms feel good. It’s possible that prostate-only orgasms could be a way of reinforcing prostate massage, which might help relieve conditions like prostatitis, but there’s no solid evidence for this — scientists need to get researching!” Follow Dr. Brindle on BlueSky @matildabrindle and on Instagram @DrMatildaBrindle. 7. My metamour is a shitty person. Should I break up with my partner if I can’t stand her? I have to assume you’re not the primary partner… because playing the “Her Or Me” card would be a primary partner’s first move in the case of a shitty metamour. And if you’re willing to break up with your partner to get away from their other partner, that means you could take or leave your partner — whether you’re the primary or not — which is a good sign you should probably leave. 8. How old is too old for a sex club? It depends on the club, it depends on the night (some have nights for under 30s), and it depends on your tolerance for shitty techno music and rejection — but the latter is true for everybody, regardless of age. 9. Is anal fisting just not possible for some people given their physiology? Where there’s a will, there’s a way — except when it comes to fisting, which simply isn’t possible for some people. Which is fine! Not everything has to be for and/or get shoved into everybody. 10. I helped a chick I’m dating move and discovered they have a large Nazi flag in their closet. Run? Yes — but Captain Von Trapp that thing first. 11. Best pegging position for a newbie? Missionary, doggie, cowgirl: one or all of the usuals should work. Go slow, use lots of lube, and let the person being penetrated — let the peggee — control the pace and depth of penetration at first. 12. Am I the only person creeped out by heterosexual couples who look exactly alike? The people behind the popular Siblings Or Dating? account on Instagram, which has more than a million followers, seem pretty creeped out by couples who look alike — so, you’re not alone. 13. What do you think about the A-Ball from Polari Labs, which is being billed as the first alternative to douching? So, the A-Ball — a product that does not yet exist but has already been hailed as alternative to douching before anal sex — is a gelatin ball you’re supposed to shove up your ass right before you want to have anal sex. (Think a menstrual cup designed to hold back shit instead of blood.) Some people think it will work — their Kickstarter has raised more than a quarter of a million dollars — but the professionals I’ve spoken to are dubious. “I don’t see how someone can shove a ball up their ass far enough to block poop from coming down,” said Dr. Carlton Thomas, a gastroenterologist, an award-winning queer health advocate, and the co-host of Butt Honestly, a podcast that covers backdoor play and health. “I’m concerned about causing obstructions — I’m also concerned about the potential for ‘the dam to burst’ in the middle of sex and for there to be a giant mess. But I will reserve final judgement until I get a sample.” P.S. Shoving gelatin eggs up your ass — eggs that melt as the gelatin comes to body temp (hence Dr. Carlton’s fear of the dam bursting) — is not new. People who fantasize about aliens laying eggs in them have been using “ovipositor dildos” dildos for years… and making their own gelatin eggs. So, anyone who wants to experiment with shoving a gelatin egg up their ass to see if it can replace douching doesn’t have to wait for Polari Labs to release their A-Balls. There’s a recipe for gelatin eggs here and you can order an ovipositor dildo — an egg-laying alien dick — from Bad Dragon here. 14. Everyone on Feeld seems to be shaved or waxed. I rock a trimmed bush. Do I need to put a disclaimer on my profile? You do not. 15. I went through my partner’s phone and found nothing. I feel guilty about it and don’t know if I should confess. You should not. 16. Is it normal for a man’s orgasms to be stronger in his fifties than they were in his twenties? It is not. 17. How does one find a bodybuilder to worship in Minneapolis? TheBestFlex.com comes highly recommended by a muscle-worshipping friend. 18. I’m nonbinary AFAB and I overheard my newish and very binary AMAB masc-presenting cis male partner tell a cis friend of theirs that they were into me despite — and I quote — “the annoying nonbinary stuff.” They had been drinking when they said this. Is it over? If you can’t respect your partner’s gender identity by using his preferred pronouns — surely someone who was assigned male at birth, presents as masc, and is “very binary” uses he/him pronouns — then I don’t think you have a future together. P.S. You opted for fourteen syllables and a redundancy (your new male partner was assigned male at birth) when “boyfriend” (just two syllables) was sitting right there. Using a lot of unnecessary jargon is actually kind of annoying — which means your boyfriend might have a point. I’m not suggesting that “nonbinary stuff” is annoying in any objective sense — it is not — but if you’re using “they/them” pronouns in reference to someone who uses he/him pronouns and opting for word salad instead of using the term “boyfriend,” there could be something annoying about you. 19. Is it a red flag if someone describes all their exes as “crazy”? Definitely a red flag. And while some people have had the misfortune of dating three or four crazy motherfuckers in a row — stranger things have happened — someone who doesn’t realize that describing all their exes as crazy even if all their exes were crazy is waving a different red flag: they’re telling you they no common sense. Because saying “all my exes were crazy” even if all your exes were crazy makes you look like the crazy one. 20. I’m into a very specific kink that I’ve never told anyone about. How late into “dating” is too late to bring it up? In general, your kink cards should be face up on the table no later than three months in — assuming the person you’re “dating” is someone you met on a vanilla dating app or in a vanilla setting, e.g. at work, at school, through friends. But it would help to know what very specific kink we’re talking about. If you’re into feet or fuzzy handcuffs — if you’re into a kink that a GGG partner would be open to exploring — you should lay those kink cards down without hesitation. But if you’re into something more extreme… if you’re into shit or puke or aliens laying eggs in your ass… you probably shouldn’t be dating vanilla people (or presumed-to-be-vanilla people) at all. Instead, you should be finding people who share your very specific kink online and dating them instead. 21. I’m straight and monogamously married. I only just came to the realization — at age 28, five years into my marriage — that I am asexual and sex averse. I enjoy being wanted, and my husband definitely wants me, but I can’t go through the motions of having sex anymore now that I know who I truly am. Is my marriage over? Wanna be wanted but don’t wanna be had… I wouldn’t say your marriage is over, but I would say that releasing your husband from the monogamous commitment he made to you when he thought — and you thought — that you weren’t revolted by the thought of having sex with him is the only way your marriage survives. If you don’t wanna fuck him but can’t stand the thought of him fucking anyone else, don’t draw it out: have the decency to leave him. 22. What are the sleeping arrangements in your house? How can three people sleep in one bed?!? I must know! The sleeping arrangements in my house are textbook none of your business. But if you must know: me and my boyfriend and my husband and his boyfriend share a tiny bed in our living room just like Charlie’s grandparents in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. 23. Bi-cis male confused about douching. This one guy insists I clean out “until it’s clear” and gets squicked out if there’s a tiny speck of shit on his dick after. But I’ve been told that the kind of deep cleaning my friend wants — using a shower attachment — can be harmful to intestinal linings and such. There’s contradictory advice everywhere I look online. Figured you’d know someone who knows what’s best? I like getting buffed by my pal but I don’t want to screw up my guts. “Cleaning out ‘until it’s clear’ shouldn’t require deep rinsing or a shower attachment,” said Dr. Evan Goldstein, a proctologist and the founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical. “Consistent fiber intake — through a daily supplement, high-fiber diet, and proper hydration — can do most of the heavy lifting by making bowel movements more complete. Overusing a shower attachment can irritate the rectal lining and disrupt your natural balance, so if you douche, stick to a small bulb with an isotonic and iso-osmolar solution. Also, check out Future Method for all things anal, also with a science of sex educational hub. And remember: expecting surgical-level spotlessness every time is more about your partner’s expectations than your body.” In other words: It’s a butt — and while proper prep can help you avoid shit, sometimes shit happens. And if a single speck of shit ruins things for “this one guy,” that one guy shouldn’t be fucking your butt or anyone else’s. Follow Dr. Evan Goldstein on Instagram @DrEvanGoldstein and learn more about his practice at BespokeSurgical.com. 24. How about one for us old farts? I’m an old wanker who’ll never see 81 again — but I’m in good health. Female friends these days include some older women who are interested in companionship, but I have no interest whatsoever in sex. For this old wanker, sex these days involves marijuana, pornography, and masturbation. Is this practice good or bad for my health? What about my prostate? Jacking off is good for your morale and good your prostate. (Ejaculating frequently reduces your risk of developing prostate cancer.) But even if getting high, watching porn, and blowing loads shortened your lifespan — which it doesn’t — you’ve already beaten the actuarial/life-expectancy odds. We all gotta go at some point, gramps, and there are worse ways to go than on a THC-enhanced wave of oxytocin. 25. I’m a straight 23-year-old woman with a bisexual 24-year-old boyfriend. I want to watch him suck a cock. He won’t let me watch in person and he won’t let me see the videos I know he has on his phone of him sucking cock. He says it feels creepy and he doesn’t want me fetishizing his bisexuality. Search through your boyfriend’s social media. If he was one of those bi guys who took to Twitter (around Christmas 2024) to complain that “only” one-in-five straight women were open to dating bisexual men (cry me a river, bi guys: only one-in-twenty men are open to dating men!) then he’s not allowed to complain about a girlfriend who’s so into him being bisexual that she wants to watch him suck a cock. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love