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The Thursday Letter: Good Bars and Crazy Connections

by Dan Savage

Before we get to The Thursday Letter: an important correction from Robert via email…

I’m responding to your description in your last podcast of Richard Gere’s role in the film Looking for Mr. Goodbar. You said that his character — whom you described as gay — kills Diane Keaton’s character at the end of the movie. But that part was played by Tom Berenger, not Richard Gere. Berenger played the role of the closeted gay killer. Gere played the part of Keaton’s on-again, off-again lover. And while his priapic character can be open to interpretations of sexual ambiguity, the film portrays him as canonically straight. Are Gere’s and Berenger’s characters really so easily confused?
In my defense: I saw Looking For Mr. Goodbar, a film that turns fifty next year, more than forty years ago. (I don ‘t know if I saw it during it’s first run in the summer of 1977, when I was twelve years old, but I might have!) But you’re absolutely right, Robert: It’s Tom Berenger (Gary) who kills Diane Keaton (Theresa) at the end of Looking for Mr. Goodbar, not Richard Gere (Tony). I clearly should’ve rewatched the film or read the synopsis before running my mouth.
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But I don’t think confusing Gary for Tony — or merging Gary and Tony after four decades and God only knows how many pot gummies — is that hard to understand: while Tony doesn’t murder Theresa, he does menace her: “Tony becomes controlling and abusive, and Theresa discovers that he is a street hustler. She breaks up with him, but he stalks and harasses her.” Theresa attempts to get over Tony by getting under someone else — which is usually good advice — but the person she gets under turns out to be one of those homicidal self-hating homosexuals that were overrepresented in Hollywood films in the 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s. (There were plenty of self-hating homosexuals around back then — there still are — but those guys were mostly a danger to themselves and sometimes a danger to other gay men. They were rarely a danger to women, who were and still are more at risk alone in a room with a straight man (or multiple straight men) than they are alone in a room with a gay man, self-hating or otherwise.)
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And, I’m sorry, but Tony was a street hustler, Robert, and there weren’t many women — there were no women — picking up street hustlers in the 1970s. While Tony may have been straight, we were meant to understand that he was gay for and (even worse back then) one of those evil bisexuals. (We were, of course, talking about Looking for Mr. Goodbar on the podcast last week because I was lucky enough to interview journalist Allen Salkin about his new 12-part podcast series Gerbil. It’s great. The fourth episode is out now — listen and subscribe!)
Says Todd via email…
Congratulations on making the Connections in the NYTimes!
Says Jessica via email…
You are an answer in the NYT Connections game today! Now you’re famous! That’s even what the category was!
Says Elizabeth via email…
Hi, Dan!  I new to your podcast and I’m learning a lot! I’m writing to let you know you made the NYT Connections puzzle! I got it right away! You’re famous!
And so I was!

Dans! Ranked from most famous to least famous, richest to poorest!

That’s a screenshot from my phone — I literally saw Levy, Aykroyd, and Rather and thought… okay, that’s three famous Dans. And honest to God, I was like… Dan Swank? (No, that’s Hillary.) Dan Ratchet? (No, that’s Nurse.) And then I was like… no fucking way.

Luckily, I’m in Europe at the moment, and I was playing Connections at about a minute after midnight — so, six hours before the new game was available to anyone in the States, which meant I found out playing the game myself and not from one of the hundreds of people who reached out to let me know. (Thank you to everyone who reached out to let me know!) And I actually said “no fucking way” out loud… so loudly, in fact, that I woke up (and pissed off!) my sleeping boyfriend.

When I was done playing, I turned my phone off and fell asleep to thoughts of Dan Aykroyd having to google my name in the morning. Zzz.

Says Mark via email…
I am a LONG TIME listener and reader, and I love what you do. But please for the love of God, Dan, stop fucking playing and talking about show tunes! I know it is your show and you can do what the hell you want with it, but for fucksake already! Ninety percent of them make me want to hurl! I loved the historical information on gay marriage, Hawaii, and such at the start of last week’s episode — but please stop the show tunes!
The clip of “Hawaiian Wedding Song” from Howard Crabtree’s When Pigs Fly! — which I played at the top of this week’s podcast — was less than thirty seconds long! And there’s a button on your phone that skips ahead 15 seconds! In much less the time than it took you send an email, Mark, you could’ve skipped past the wonderful vocal stylings of the amazing Michael West!
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Says NoCuteName…
It’s Dan’s show, and he can choose whatever topic he likes for his opening rant, but I was surprised to not hear the Cornell gang rape story addressed at all. It’s pretty much been the only thing I’ve thought about for days now.
I wrote this week’s intro in advance — I’ve been tinkering with it for weeks — and recorded it on Monday afternoon. The student journalists at The Cornell Daily Sun published their editorial, in which they named the accused gang rapists, late Monday night. If something is breaks on a Sunday or Monday, it’s not going to make it into the show, which goes live early on Tuesday morning (4 AM).
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I’m reading everything you’re reading, NCN, and I’m appalled, sickened, sad, and enraged. I really don’t know what else to say at this point. But I’m sure I’ll have something to say about it on the show at some point.
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Signal boosting this from Red Blonde…
Dan, please start telling everyone to vote EARLY if possible this election (preferably in person). I love voting on Election Day, but I’ve been convinced by what I’m hearing from many activists that a lot of people voting early could help with any challenges and also that any fuckery is likeliest to happen on Election Day. Let’s make those lines to vote on Election Day as short as possible and free up election workers’ attention by many of us making the effort to get it done EARLY.
VOTE ASAP! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
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Okay, here’s this Thursday’s letter…

I’m a neurodivergent mid-40s cis bisexual male living in the US. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years. He’s a neurodivergent mid-30s cis bisexual male. We have stable and secure careers, we are open sexually, and we live separately in the same city. We play primarily with cis men. Overall, I’d say there’s nothing wrong with our relationship. We discuss more than we argue, we respect each others’ needs and boundaries, we genuinely enjoy each others’ company, and we tell each other that we love each other everyday. My boyfriend and I have more of an intellectual/emotional connection than a sexual connection. It’s always been that way from the very beginning and we are both accepting of that. However…

I’ve been harboring a secret. Over the last year or so, my feelings for him as a romantic partner have changed. I simply do not feel the same level of romantic/sexual attraction to him as I did in the beginning. This feeling torments me because I don’t want it to be true. But our relationship now feels more like a FWB relationship to me. This feeling is eating me up inside. I have no idea if he feels the same way.

Part of me thinks these feelings will go away and everything will be okay again. But I honestly feel like romantic/sexual aspect of our relationship has run its course and we’re probably better off as platonic friends. I sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way but we’re both afraid to admit it.

He sends me nudes of himself regularly but I don’t feel anything when I see them. It’s like I’m looking at a friend who is naked but there’s no sexual attraction. Otherwise, we never sext. We very rarely initiate sex with each other when we are together. We do play together on occasion but that’s usually in a threesome or a group situation.

My boyfriend has NO problem attracting men and getting sex. He is very handsome, charming, and gregarious, and has a wicked hot body that he takes excellent care of. But he simply doesn’t turn me on sexually. Like I mentioned in the beginning, the focal point of our attraction is more of an intellectual-romantic attraction.

I’m afraid to break his heart because there’s truly nothing wrong with our relationship other than I just don’t feel attracted to him anymore in a romantic or sexual sense. We love each other very much. I feel hurt and emotional whenever I hurt his feelings on occasion, be it a misunderstanding or the tone of my voice, so that must say something about how (I feel about him. I love him yet I’m not IN love with him???) I feel like such a confused pussy!!

I know I should be an adult about this and have a discussion with him about my feelings. We’re both great communicators of our feelings in all other matters but this part especially sucks because he’s definitely my best friend and I hate the thought of hurting him. Can you please help with how I should approach this with him?

Nearly Ended Unfulfilling Relationship Once

I have thoughts — boy, do I have thoughts — but readers first, as it’s Thursday. How should NEURO approach this issue with his partner of three years? Got any advice for him? Some suggested language? Or some been-there/had-that-conversation perspective you wanna share? Drop it in the comments!

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