HUMP! Is Coming!

...-year-old male who has no ability to talk to women. I am attracted to women and beat it looking at porn of women, but I have only had sex once and I was so drunk that I don’t know if I lost my virginity or not. I think about hiring an escort, but I would hate myself even more if I did that. Lately, I have been thinking I might be gay and that’s why I am so inept with women. Is this how it happens? Loser Might Be Gay Hello, straight boys? Did you learn anything from Will & Grace? Did we suffer through eight years of that shit for nothing? Gay men and straight women get along like gang-fucking-busters, as everyone on earth and her gay best friend should know by now. And yet I’m constantly getting e-mail from inept straight guys who’ve convinced themselves that homosexuality is some sort of fallback sexual orientation for guys with no social skills. HMO and LMBG: If being an inept heterosexual made a man gay, then gay men would not compose a measly 3 percent of the population. We would rule the world—and underpopulation, not global warming, would be the biggest threat to the survival of our species. Women would have to be inseminated with semen collected from spittoons set out in Broadway theaters, baseball stadiums, Vatican City, and other places gay men are known to congregate. You’re not fags, HMO and LMBG, you’re socially maladapted straight boys. In other words, completely normal. Please make a note of it. Then ask your friends, if you’ve got any, what you’re doing wrong and tell them to be brutal. Take their feedback to heart and work on your social skills, personal hygiene, appearance—whatever they tell you the problem is. And if all else fails, get obscenely wealthy. Gina Gershon and Monica Seles did not date software billionaire Paul Allen for the scintillating conversation about his collection of Doctor Who memorabilia. And HMO? There are two kinds of women who will indulge your shampoo fetish: an indulgent woman who loves you and wants to make you happy, or an indulgent sex worker who loves your money and wants you to happily part with it. If you’re not having luck landing the former, find a sympathetic, understanding latter. I am a 23-year-old student who just got dumped by my girlfriend after a year. We argued about why it ended, but the issue that really stood out was this: I love feet! When it comes to sex, nothing drives me wilder than feet. Not like those porns out there that do the weirdest shit with them—no, I’m just turned on by beautiful women wearing sandals. I can’t help it! My ex has beautiful feet and every time we were together my main priority was getting her toes in my mouth, licking her soles, and kissing her ankles. Is that wrong? Can this really be a justifiable reason to end a relationship that lasted a year? Her Left Foot Lover So it sounds like she was plenty GGG—willing to wear the sandals, willing to let you suck her toes, lick her soles, kiss her ankles. Good, giving, game. But your letter left me wondering what turned her on. How did you indulge her? When were you GGG? That’s missing from your letter, HLFL; I’m thinking it’s because it was missing in your relationship. If you neglected her needs while she indulged your fetish, then the feeling of your tongue on her toes eventually ceased to be a delightful, or delightfully kinky, sensation. Damp toes became a reminder that she—a good, giving, and game girlfriend—was stuck with a thoughtless foot fetishist for a boyfriend, a man so fixated on his own sexual priorities that he neglected her desires. And that’s a completely justifiable reason to end a relationship. The first time I had sex, I didn’t use a condom. I was drunk. After the event, my upper thighs were covered with what appeared to be zits. They also appeared on my sack. It scared the hell out of me, but I’m young and am afraid of going to the doctor. The thigh zits went away quickly, but the sack ones have stuck around. What the hell is this? Help An Innocent Fool Sounds like it could be molluscum—a viral infection that can be transmitted sexually and causes raised, zitlike bumps on thighs and butts and sacks. But you know what, HAIF? I can’t inspect your sack via e-mail. Even if I could—and I’m not saying I would—I wouldn’t be able to treat your molluscum because I’m not a doctor. So you’re still going to have to march your ass off to a doctor, young man, and get an STI screening. And you might want to do it soon, HAIF, as molluscum can spread to your arms, legs, face, eyelids, lips, mouth, and, uh, kangaroos, if you have any of those around. Hey, Everybody: The deadline for HUMP!, The Stranger‘s third-annual amateur and locally produced porn contest, is coming up! All HUMP! entries are due in our offices by Monday, September 10 at 5:00 p.m. The festival goes down October 5 and 6 at On the Boards. Anyone can make a film for HUMP!­—anyone over 18—and while you can show your face and make hardcore porn if you wanna (please do!), you don’t have to show your face (masks and hoods are hot!) or make hardcore porn. Erotica, animation, humorous shorts, and balls-out, hard-core freakiness all have a home at HUMP! We do all we can to make HUMP! safe, fun, and anonymous—all entries are kept under lock and key, we police the screenings to make sure no one makes bootlegs, and we destroy our copies of the films onstage after the final screening. HUMP! lets you be a porn star for the weekend, not for life! But HUMP! can’t come if you don’t. Without the filmmakers and actors—without the Bo Logans and Ninja Pirates and Lawnboys—there’s no HUMP! So do your part to make Seattle’s amateur porn fest a success! Make a film! Oh, and did we mention that this year we’re giving prizes for Best Hardcore and Best Humor? Your chances of winning have doubled! For full details—including what the Ravenna Ale House, Ivar’s, and Ken Schram all have to do with this year’s HUMP!—go to www.thestranger.com/hump. Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net