Before we get to The Thursday Letter — which is day late (forgive me, dear readers, it’s been a hell of a week) — a quick update from BUMP, the pregnant woman who wrote in wondering if she should share the crazy sexual fantasies she was having late in her pregnancy with the wife she’d been withholding sex from (there was a lot going on in her question!)…
Thank you for responding to my question so quickly, Dan. I was pretty close to my due date, so the timeliness was particularly helpful. And you were right: Watching cishet porn was basically a pregnancy craving and I’m glad you and your readers steered me away from “confessing,” which would have been uselessly hurtful. Now that I’m postpartum, I literally cannot find one video on the exact same streamer that looks titillating. My wife and I are enjoying each other a bit more often, about once a week, and I no longer feel lik eI have some secret fantasy life I’m keeping from my wife.
You said something helpful that was along the lines of sex kind of IS an obligation in marriage. Not in any specific moment, but generally we are each other’s chosen person for sexual activity and we need to show up for each other in that way. When I think of this on a macro level, initiating sex regularly is a responsibility I want to take seriously. The turn off was to perceived criticism from my partner. I don’t know why that seemingly subtle difference has such a radically different effect on me, but I’ve been happily creating “The Right Moment,” as you called it, more often since writing in, without it feeling like a burden or drudgery. The request/advice had to come from a neutral third party to land for me. So, thank you, Dan, and thank you to your wonderful commenters. You were the outsiders I needed to hear from.
So nice to hear from you, BUMP, and I’m glad you and your wife are in better place — and congrats on the new baby!
Remember the caller whose five-year-old autistic nephew saw someone wearing a chain with a padlock around their neck and now wants his own chain-and-padlock necklace? My followers on Instagram had a lot to say about that call…
Dyzneedavid: I’m the uncle that would run to Claire’s or Hot Topic at the mall and get him the damn necklace. It’s just a necklace! And he’s a preschooler! It doesn’t matter. Let him enjoy it and everyone else can get over clutching their fucking pearls!
Jaunty: As a mom with kids on the spectrum, I feel like redirection is the best bet. Even ND kids get bored with ideas and move on from them eventually. If it’s become a fixation, find something to pivot on. And this doesn’t require a ton of discussion outside of “that’s for adults, but we can talk about this when you’re a little older.”
Wenswear: You could just say no.
To read 300+ more comments (!) on this issue… bounce over to Instagram!
A man suffering from Peyronie’s disease — which nearly one-in-ten men will develop over the course of their lives — wrote in this week asking for support and advice. To let him know he wasn’t alone and that there was hope for him, I shared my own experience about Peyronie’s disease in a postscript. To be perfectly honest, I probably wouldn’t have shared my story if I was still suffering from PD — I mean, I didn’t share my story while I was suffering from PD — so I was glad to see Gabe278, who was recently diagnosed with PD, jump into the comment thread and offer his support to ABM…
Looooong time lurker, first reply. ABM, I was diagnosed with Peyronie’s six months ago. I have also had moments of severe depression. My urologist started me on daily Cialis to keep blood flowing and hopefully prevent further plaque build up. My curvature is not severe (yet), I have a moderate indent, some ED, and had some painful erections (but that phase seems over). Next week I begin a series of Verapamil injections (off label but widely used). You could also look into clinical trials of new treatments.
For me (gay man, early 50s), what was the most devastating thing was that my dick was my best feature. It was perfect, above average size, a thing of beauty. I was an escort for YEARS, and it was my selling point. Clients (and hookups) loved it, so I came to depend on it for my self worth. Now I’ve lost some length and girth, and I can’t really stay hard. I feel like the ONE physical part of myself that I felt good about is gone. So I do know what a mind fuck this is.
Thank you for jumping into the thread, Gabe. Like I said in my response to ABM, I didn’t see improvement in the first year. So, here’s hoping the treatments you’re receiving after six months will have your dick — which I’m sure is still beautiful — up and running again soon. And while it’s possible your dick won’t be exactly the same again, there are men who haven’t had PD who can say the same. Our bodies change in so many ways as we age, Gabe, and we’re entitled grieve what we’ve lost. But it’s important not to let that grief prevent us from enjoying the bodies we still.
Nice to know I’m not the only Mac Davis fan out there…
Dan talked about the Mac Davis song “Baby Don’t Get Hooked on Me” on a recent episode of the Lovecast. This used to be one of my Mom’s favorite songs! (But she felt a little bad about liking it because of this line: ‘Cause I’ll just use you then I’ll set you free.”) And I have a Mac Davis story: I worked backstage security at a concert venue that Mr. Davis played. He actually came out to talk to a group of fans who had been waiting to meet him, which was something very few artists at his level of fame ever did.
My favorite Mac Davis song of his is Hard to Be Humble — it’s so good — and your email inspired me to read up on Davis’s personal life… and learn some things that I wish I didn’t know.
Some great advice from Julia for the caller who’s male partner takes forever to come!
Okay! Here’s The Thursday Letter…
Here’s a quickie for ya, Dan: I recently stopped seeing a FWB after a few years — a woman — who has since asked that I delete all of the sexy photos and videos we have taken and exchanged. Am I ethically obligated to delete them? If I have no intention of sharing them publicly. Can I hold on to this sexy data for the occasional wistful nostalgic jerk off session? Or not?
To Delete Or Not Delete
Got some advice for TDOND? Drop it in the comments!