Family Matters

...female genitalia make me nervous; men getting fucked in the butt makes my brothers nervous.) But even if I can’t watch porn with my brothers, for all I know Billy and Eddie spend every Saturday night curled up in front of the TV together, elbowing each other in the ribs while lumps form in their pants. An unpleasant scene, to be sure, but not an impossible one. So with some dread I forwarded your question to my brothers, enclosed with a note from me asking if they ever watched porn together, and if so, whether it’s creepy sitting next to your brother when he has a hard-on. “I agree with SPL’s girlfriend that watching porn with your siblings would be strange,” said Billy, the older of my two brothers. “But it’s strange to do pretty much anything with your siblings.” As for sitting next to your brother while he has a lump in his pants, Billy said that sometimes happens–and it has nothing to do with porn. “I can be pretty sure that Ed’s got a hard-on any time we’re at a ball game on a hot summer’s day and he looks around. Or we’re at a bar and he looks around. Or when we’re on the street and he… well, you get my drift.” “Wow, that’s an ugly one,” said Eddie, the younger and more excitable of my two older brothers. “I would NEVER be able to watch porn with anyone other than a person I intended to screw immediately after watching the porn.” Which would pretty much exclude Billy? “Yeah, pretty much. When I watch porn, I’m almost always alone. I just want to get off a quick one before work, school, or whatever, you know? Watching porn with my brothers would be weird, and it’s not a visual I need in my head right now,” Eddie concluded. “That dude and his brother are sick.” I am a 34-year-old man. When I was 13, I caught my 15-year-old sister taking the car out. I threatened to tell my parents unless she gave me $50. Instead of giving me money, she had sex with me. At the time I did enjoy it, and we had sex on two other occasions. I know this is not normal, but how common is it for brothers and sisters to have sex? Confused in Des Plaines I didn’t have the heart to ask my brothers if they’d ever slept with my sister because, as Eddie put it, that’s not a visual I need in my head right now. Or ever. As for how common it is for brothers and sisters to sleep together, I’m not sure, but that kind of inbreeding would explain why the people of, say, Tennessee didn’t award their 11 Electoral College votes to their own Al Gore. Had Tennessee gone to Al Gore, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in right now in Florida. Hey, what’s the matter with the people in Tennessee, anyway? Don’t they want a presidential library? As for your questions, CIDP, I’m in no position to look up any actual stats on brother-sister incest just now. I’m in Las Vegas, a little drunk, and my research assistant is at a brothel. And, hell, what good would stats do you? Even if I found out that one or two or 10 or 20 percent of brothers and sisters have had sex, that wouldn’t make the visuals any less unpleasant for me, Eddie, or anyone else out there who has a sister or a brother. Probably more so. I am concerned about my next-door neighbor. There is a terrible odor coming from his apartment. Also, there is a faint chemical smell. Every so often I can hear shouting, scuffling (as if furniture is being knocked over), and occasionally a machine sound, like a saw or power drill. I knocked on his door and tried to talk to him about this, but he tells me (through the unopened door) that the “toilet is blocked up.” Should I be concerned? Something Stinks in San Francisco Your letter is probably bogus, but on the off chance that it’s not… call the police! After the head of a friend of mine was discovered in Jeffrey Dahmer’s freezer, Dahmer’s neighbors told reporters that they’d long noticed a stench coming from his apartment, heard saws and other power tools, and observed Dahmer carrying buckets of chemicals in and out of his apartment. Unless you’re fairly certain that only dot-com millionaires and real-estate agents are disappearing into your neighbor’s apartment, call the police! On the advice of Kinky Woman, I just spent three hours on the Net trying to find what I’m looking for, and came up with zilch. I want to have a three-way with two women. Is that so much to ask for a single man? I know it’s every man’s fantasy, and I can understand why it is so hard to find two women. All the swing clubs that were listed on the Net were for couples or single females only. And what I don’t get is how some of these websites can have the hottest women posing in sexually explicit positions either by themselves or with men or with–oh man–other women, and yet I can’t find that happening anywhere near me. Am I looking in the wrong places? I don’t want a serious relationship, I just want to have an erotic encounter with two women. If you have any advice on this matter, please guide me or guide them to me. Double My Pleasure The problem you’re faced with, DMP, is basically one of supply and demand. The number of men interested in two-women-at-once-three-ways (the demand) so far outstrips the number of women interested in these three-ways (the supply), that women who are interested don’t have to make much of an effort to find a guy who is. They don’t need to cruise around websites looking for guys like you. Odds are good they’re already dating a guy like you! And of single women who are interested in these sorts of three-ways, very few would be interested in having one with a guy who isn’t interested in a serious relationship. If a no-strings-attached “erotic encounter” is all you’re up for, DMP, then you better start saving your pennies–because you’re going to have to pay up to get it. [email protected]