Santorum Etiquette

...butt. Should anyone attempt to make you feel bad about a rare santorum moment, just remind him or her that he or she is fucking your butt. While it’s clear that butts were designed for buttfucking–why would it be called “buttfucking” if they weren’t?–your butt has other duties, like holding up your pants, cushioning your seat, and allowing you to eliminate waste. Tell ’em to deal. Then jump in the shower and pursue some other sexual pleasures that don’t involve your temporarily out-of-commission butt. If, however, you find that santorum is always spoiling the moment, you should administer enemas routinely, or top exclusively. Every porno I’ve seen with anal action (gay or straight) is pretty much santorum-free. What’s the secret? I’m somewhat of a novice to the whole back-porch scene, but all of my adventures have ended up with santorum everywhere. I think some kind of super-enema must be involved, while my girlfriend thinks all the porn stars just make themselves take a crap before the shoot. Please settle the debate once and for all. Santorum-Less Intercourse Must Exist “Both SLIME and his girlfriend got it right,” says Ben Scuglia, editor of Inside Porn magazine. “Gay-porn bottoms take a nice dump, AND they clear the pipes with a nice, relaxing douche.” Ben recommends Fleet, a disposable enema kit. “Porn buttholes are so clean-clean-clean you could eat off them,” Ben continues–and you can see people doing just that in almost all porn videos. “Porn is all about squeaky-clean fantasy; even the ‘dirty’ stuff is supervised and choreographed. Nothing droops a dick faster than santorum slopping all over the damn place, so porn bottoms make sure they’re clean as a whistle. Sure, sometimes a dick dislodges something, but that footage ends up on the cutting-room floor.” Among the many problems in the world, I believe santorum is up there at the top of the list. Particularly the stain it leaves behind. Now don’t get me wrong–the pleasure of anal sex is worth any amount of ruined sheets. But as I get older and the number of partners I share my bed with increases, the sheet count starts to add up. I know the old laying-down-the-towel trick, but in the heat of the moment that’s, well, just so anal! So how do you get rid of a santorum stain? I’ve gone as far as using an oxy-cleaner (no dice), and that stain queen who shows up on Oprah once in a while never mentions santorum. Save a Sheet Sorry, SAS, but santorum stains are almost impossible to get out. (One dry cleaner I spoke to suggested gasoline and a match.) Which is why I recommend deep blue, forest green, or dark gray sheets to confirmed buttfuckers everywhere. Per your request for santorum-related stories: I worked my way through college as a professional boy-toy, availing myself to anyone with a rubber and a couple hundred bucks. Well, this one guy, an older black man, offered me more money if I’d let him fuck me while “dirty,” as he called it. Needing the money for lab fees, among other things, I wasn’t in a position to turn him down. So he would call me a couple of days in advance, tell me to “get ready” (i.e., not crap), and proceed to fuck me until my butt was sufficiently covered in crap and lube, basically playing in the “santorum” until he came. As he apparently couldn’t find another boy willing to placate his particular desires, I was able to pay my way through college by virtue of one guy’s love for santorum. This is my equivalent of the GI Bill. God bless Rick Santorum and all he stands for–or at least, god bless santorum and the men who love it and are willing to pay to play with it. Ah, what a country! My Education Santorum Serviced The new meaning of “santorum” is, what, three weeks old? And already people are trying to pervert it! Santorum is not an inch-thick layer of crap and lube all over your ass, MESS. Santorum is that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. It is never, ever the point of anal sex. Picture an amber-hued froth, MESS, not an inch-thick layer of crap. The latter’s not santorum, it’s just scat. Last weekend, traveling to my brother’s wedding, my boyfriend and I decided to spend the weekend at the Ritz. As is our custom, we partook of many carnal pleasures. Sometimes, to get better penetration during anal sex, my boyfriend uses a pillow to elevate his ass. On this particular trip, our romp caused a fair amount of santorum to spill out and stain the pillow. What would you consider an adequate tip to compensate the housekeeping staff for its troubles in cleaning up the santorum stain? We left $20 for the night. Made an Icky, Dirty Stain To hell with the housekeeping staff, MAIDS–what about the next poor schmuck who has to lay his head down on that santorum-soaked pillow? For crying out loud, fuck your leaky boyfriend in the tub next time! You treat Senator Santorum as if he were the only one in the USA to have that name. There are other Santorums! What about children and teenagers in Santorum families? Imagine them being stuck for the rest of their lives with a sex act for a last name! Or, better yet, imagine being “holy fucked” with lawsuits from other folks named Santorum. Santorum Is Not My Last Name Sorry, SINMLN, but innocent people named Santorum will just have to deal, just like guys named Dick and girls named Peg and people named Lewinsky. If other folks named Santorum are angry, well, they should direct their anger at the jackass senator himself. He brought santorum down on all their heads, not me. Does anyone out there have an extra ticket–just one–to see Björk on August 15? My boyfriend is distraught about failing to get a ticket. I’ll pay cash money for one ticket–but please don’t come through with two, as I don’t want to have to go. What’s in it for me? I’ll get to whip up some santorum with a grateful boyfriend after the show! E-mail me if you’ve got an extra ticket! [email protected]