Hot Doms & Cold Moms

...and werewolf themes—why, I’ve got some of that right here in my ass, SHEBOSS, give me a sec and I’ll pull it out for you. Look, ladies and gentleman, if you’ve made a good-faith effort to find porn that caters to your special needs without much luck, well, then odds are good that the porn you’re looking for simply doesn’t exist. And folks? The more ridiculous, obscure, or specific your requirements—mere femme dom porn won’t do for SHEBOSS, he requires femme dom vampire/werewolf porn with no CBT, pegging, or poorly groomed slaves—the harder time you’re going to have finding porn. (Really, SHEBOSS, you can’t fast-forward past a blowjob?) But don’t despair, SHEBOSS, there is a little porn out there for you. As kinky blogger CatWoman notes, the best femme dom porn is produced by advertising agencies, not porn companies. Dig around the archives of CatWoman’s blog (earthacatslair.blogspot.com), SHEBOSS, and you’ll find plenty of examples of clean-cut boys serving dominant women in print and television ads created to sell shoes, clothes, cars, etc. to women—no pegging, no CBT, no blowjobs, no unkempt slave boys. No vampires or werewolves either, sadly, but a boy can’t have everything. Oh, and a note to gay dudes into visual depictions of well-groomed gay male slaves (and all those straight women and lesbians out there who like gay porn, too): Kink.com‘s new gay site—its first—goes live August 1. BoundGods.com was created for Kink.com by Van Darkholme: porn star, bondage artist, author, and occasional Savage Love guest expert. Check it out. First, the formalities: I adore your column, I’ve been reading it since I was a single fundamentalist far-right wack job and I read it now that I’m a married far-left feminist with kids. Secondly, the problem: I’m married (not the problem) to a funny, hardworking, sensitive-yet-manly dude, and I’m the mother to two little ones (one just out of diapers, one newborn). Breaking the problem into two parts… Part one: Oral sex—hate to give it, hate to receive it. Tried, bravely, but invariably ended up vomiting, which, as my husband points out, is not sexy unless you’re into that sort of thing. Husband has done without oral for five years. He states this is not a problem. Part two: Since going on medication for postpartum depression, I now have negative interest in sex. The very thought makes me want to run shrieking naked down the street, which isn’t sexy, unless, again, you’re into that sort of thing. I feel relentless guilt, and have tried to work up a state of interest for my poor, deprived, wonderful husband, but I can’t even achieve neutrality. I don’t know what to do. It took multiple medication adjustments to find something that left me able to function as a mother and a human being (minus, you know, the sex thing), so the thought of messing with my meds terrifies me. So should my husband dump the motherfucker (me!) already? (Please say no!) And please remember when you answer that I really, really, really love you, in a nonperverse sort of way, and if you’re harsh, I’ll be crushed. New England Girl Doesn’t Breaking my answer into three parts… One: If going without oral isn’t a problem for your husband, it’s not a problem—not for you, NEGD, and certainly not for me. Two: Perhaps you should talk to your doctor about the little blue pill. A study published last week showed that Viagra improves sexual response in women taking antidepressants. The study just came out, blah blah blah, more research needs to be done, but it’s worth looking into. Three: You have small children, postpartum depression, and you’re on meds. Cut yourself some slack. New fathers have suffered worse indignities than a year or two of shitty or nonexistent sex while their wives adjust and recover. You should, however, encourage your husband to masturbate frequently, masturbate him yourself occasionally, and, if you can go there, allow him to discreetly seek relief in one of New England’s finer jack shacks until you wean yourself off the meds. There’s only one way to make amends for your canned-ham crack, Dan. To balance the scales for the canned-ham slight, open up a contest finding the least sexy description of a penis. Fair’s fair. Jeff If there’s a less sexy description for penis than the word “penis,” Jeff, I can’t think of it. The words vagina, labia, and clitoris—with their wide-open vowels and consonant combinations that force you to roll the words around in your mouth—are poetry compared to “penis” with its pinched, urine-invoking first syllable and its hissed second. I doubt that anyone can come up with something less sexy. But anyone inspired to try is welcome to cram one in my inbox. I know you don’t like the praise, but you’re just going to have to bend over and take it. This weekend, I had sex after a full year with no dick. And it was TERRIBLE. He wasn’t willing to do the things I needed him to do, even though I was playful and upbeat about all the great ways there were to please me. No, he was just in a major hurry to cram his dick in me and then go to sleep. I gave him another chance this weekend, Dan, and I got the same treatment. So I got my ass out of his bed and caught a cab home. As I stood there in the rain at 4:00 a.m. on a Chicago street corner, with wet hair and shoes and panties, I thought about you, Dan, and how if I’d never started listening to your podcast and reading your column, I’d be one of those girls who this guy has no doubt dated in the past, a girl who pretends to get off on his dick alone, never says a word about her needs. I dumped the motherfucker already, Dan, so I’m single, 26, GGG, and ready to take on this city’s male population. Thanks for schooling me on how to to be vocal about my needs! J. We bend and take to please, J. Thanks for sharing. [email protected]