Here’s a hypothetical for you:
You’ve been corresponding with a young man who lives in Paris. You know
him through a friend in France, and your friend has vetted him. He has
offered to pay more than half of your airfare so that you can visit him
in Paris. You’ve spoken to him on the phone, and hearing him speak to
you in French makes your knees weak.
On the one hand, you can’t really afford it.
You’re also not working, and once you get a job you won’t be able to
go. You live with your parents, and you don’t know how you’d explain
taking a trip when you’re technically broke. But if your parents
disappeared into thin air, you wouldn’t hesitate to go. The trip also
might turn out to be a crushing disappointment. On the other hand, you
might be passing up the romantic adventure of a lifetime....
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...air, you wouldn’t hesitate to go. The trip also
might turn out to be a crushing disappointment. On the other hand, you
might be passing up the romantic adventure of a lifetime. And he’s
just… so… pretty.
Do you go?
Anxious Straight Girl
P.S. I am attaching his photo so you can
see why I’m considering this. I trust you will not publish it?
You can trust me not to publish the picture,
ASG, but anyone who wants an idea of what this boy looks like is
invited to quickly Google “Gaspard Ulliel,” turn those blue eyes brown,
take a moment to masturbate, and then come back and finish reading this
week’s column.
Okay, ASG, hypothetically… I go.
I lie to my parents. I tell them a
friend—someone they know, someone who’ll lie for me—lent me
the money and I’m going to go spend a few days in France with my friend
(the same one who vetted this boy) before I land a job.
But… I wouldn’t be going at all if a
friend hadn’t vetted this guy. And I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have
somewhere to stay besides this boy’s place. And I would treat our first
meeting like any first meeting with a stranger I’d met online: That
first meeting would be in a public place; I would let someone know
where I was going and who I was with; and it wouldn’t be an open-ended
date, i.e., I would see him for lunch and have ironclad plans to hang
out with other friends later that same afternoon.
I would also go to France with my bullshit
detector fully charged. It’s not like there’s a shortage of
good-looking French girls. So why is he pining away for an American
girl he might never meet with so much French pussy at his disposal?
Maybe he’s so smitten with me that French pussy won’t do…
or… maybe he’s a socially maladapted leotard who can’t get
laid despite his looks. I would remind myself not to overestimate my
awesomeness and to be on the lookout for signs of social leotardation
once I met the dude.
And finally, ASG, if I went to France and
didn’t hit it off with this boy, I would thank my lucky stars that my
internet crush lived in Paris, France, and not Paris, Texas, and enjoy
the trip—and other French boys—regardless.
I’m a 28-year-old heterosexual
male with two questions. I’ve seen you on television talking about the
shitty job President Obama has done on gay rights so far. My question
is this: Obama said he was against gay marriage during the campaign.
How could you ardently support a candidate who sees your love as worth
less than heterosexual love? If I were gay, I’d automatically dismiss
any candidate who didn’t support full equality for gay people. Hell,
I’m straight and I’m pretty close to doing that.
Also: I recently slept with a women who
squirted when she came. She demanded that I pull out when she began to
come. Is there some reason women who squirt don’t want a dick inside
them when they do? Curious if you had any insight on this.
Love the column,
Pro Equality And Chicks Ejaculating
P.S. Here’s a pic. Thought it might
persuade you to answer my questions. Feel free to share it with your
readers.
Thanks for allowing me to share that picture
of your ass with my readers, PEACE, because if any backside deserves a
worldwide audience, it’s yours. To see the photo, dear readers, go to
thestranger.com/savage/peacebutt.
Now…
During the Democratic primary, I was fond of
saying that I was “for Clinton or Obama or both.” So I wouldn’t
describe myself as an ardent Obama supporter. But I was in the tank by
the time of the election. And like most gays and lesbians, I’ve been
severely disappointed by President Obama’s refusal to move on the
promises that candidate Obama made to the gay and lesbian community. I
was willing to be patient, though—until the Obama administration
compared gay marriage to incest and child rape when arguing for the
constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. That’s when I blew my
big gay stack.
But that doesn’t answer your question: Why
would I support a candidate who views my love for my partner as somehow
inferior to his love for his wife? Because I’m not an idiot. Because
I’m not a single-issue voter and Obama was better on other
issues—on gay issues and every other issue—than his
Republican opponent. Because politics is about the art of the possible
and, I’m sorry, Dennis Kucinich just wasn’t possible.
As for the squirtin’ ladies: I talked to
three, and all three said that the contractions they experience as they
ejaculate are so intense—and so “outward directed” in the words
of one—that they want everything out at once: their come
and anything else that should happen to be in ’em when they blow
their loads. Added one of my friends: “He had a squirter right there in
front of him—why didn’t he ask her?”
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY: The police in Fort Worth,
Texas, marked the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall rebellion by
raiding a gay bar called the Rainbow Lounge. One of the men arrested,
Chad Gibson, was so brutally assaulted by the police that, as of this
writing, he remains hospitalized with a life-threatening brain
injury.
Police Chief Jeff Halstead claims that the
men at the Rainbow Lounge made lewd advances toward his officers and
specifically accused Gibson, a slight 26-year-old, of groping one of
his cops. This preposterous claim is contradicted by eyewitness
accounts and photographic evidence.
We can’t let the police in Fort Worth use
the Gay Panic Defense (“That fag touched me, so of course I beat him
nearly to death!”) to excuse this brutal violation of the civil rights
of Fort Worth’s gay community. If you’re on Facebook, please show your
support by joining the Rainbow Lounge Raid group (www.tinyurl.com/lavecu). And
please e-mail or call the mayor of Fort Worth—Mike Moncrief,
817-392-6118, mike.moncrief@fortworthgov.org—and demand a full
investigation into the raid on the Rainbow Lounge.
OPENING WEEKEND: Lynn Shelton’s
Humpday opens at the Harvard Exit this weekend. Go see it and
let Shelton’s masterpiece inspire you to make a film for HUMP!, the
amateur-porn contest that inspired her. More info at thestranger.com/hump. Shelton says
she’ll make a film for HUMP! if we pack the Harvard Exit this
weekend—so go see Humpday, HUMP! fans!
mail@savagelove.net