Struggle Session: Foreskin Issues, Lesbian Bathhouses, Church Taxes, Anti-Fan Mail, and More!

... swell.” Try pulling your lip back, breathing for a minute or two, and then let your lip fall back over your now dry gum. It’s going to be sticky and feel “off”. Same thing happens if you expose more of your glans. Try getting it wet and stroke a couple of times, or gently pull on the ends afterwards and it should pop right back to its normal spot. Um… presumably the caller’s GF isn’t pulling his foreskin back just to admire the glans as it slowly air dries in front of her. They’re having sex when she pulls his foreskin back — and I’m going to guess (I’m going to hope) there’s some moisture being generated and/or lubricant involved. Spit, vaginal secretions, something, anything. And since the caller mentioned that he doesn’t have this issue when he pulls his own foreskin back to masturbate — no tenderness, no swelling — I’m going to stick with my original analysis/advice for the caller: his girlfriend is being too rough with his dick — she’s yanking his foreskin back harder or faster or with a much firmer grip than he does — actions that are, even in the presence of lube/spit/juice (they’re having sex when this happens), leaving his foreskin bruised and swollen. The caller clearly needs to stage an intervention on his poor dick’s behalf and tell his girlfriend to go easier! And speaking of foreskins, Thingamajig had some thoughts for the cut dad who was worried about his uncut son… I really like Dan’s advice to the dad in the first call. Yes, give the kid the baseline facts to make sure he’s being healthy / hygienic and knows he can ask if he needs something. But then let him figure out his parts and what he likes to do with them on his own. I always chafe a bit at these overly sex-positive parents. Kids have the right to imagine that they invented masturbation and to feel like they are getting away with something when they do it. “Lesbians aren’t exactly crowding into bathhouses,” I wrote in my last Quickies column. Why don’t straight women, lesbian women, and bi women frequent public sex environments? “Disinterest (on the part of most women),” I continued, “and an entirely reasonable fear of male sexual violence (on the part of all women).” STEAMED, a reader in Barcelona, wrote in to say that women where she lives are, in fact, patronizing at least one bathhouse: I’m a bi woman who lives in Barcelona, and it is my pleasure to inform you that we do have a lesbian bathhouse in the city. It’s actually a gay bathhouse, which is rented by a lesbian group for a lesbian party open to women and all people in the trans* spectrum. It’s called “bolleras al vapor,” which could be translated as “steamed dykes.” It started last year and it was so successful that is now a bimonthly event. I would invite you to come see but cis men are not allowed. And yes: we do have a lot a sex — including group sex — in the rooms, in the swimming pool, and also in the dark room. Even so, I agree with you that a bathhouse like this is a rare space, even in a LGBT+ Mecca like Barcelona. And as a bi woman, I agree with you that, when sleeping with men, women  often have safety worries — and also pleasure worries. Since coming out, I prefer to sleep with women rather than men; even when it’s casual sex, it’s guaranteed that my pleasure is going to be at least as important as my partner(s) [when they’re women]. When I sleep with a man for the first time, I never know: sometimes he’s a great lover, sometimes he just wants to wank inside my body. And all of my bi friends agree with me on that. So, I believe that patriarchy has made me dyke-ier. To all the straight dudes out there: you’d better start to eat pussies if you don’t want all of us to start looking for pleasure in other ladies’ arms (and beds). The Orgasm Gap is definitely a straight thing: a woman who fucks a man is a lot less likely to have an orgasm than a woman who fucks another women. So, it stands to reason that women with a choice between male partners and female partners — or, in the case of women who are lucky enough to live in Barcelona, women with a choice between a male partner and a bathhouse full of lesbian and bisexual women  — might be inclined to choose women. I’ve been urging straight men to start eating pussy for more than thirty years, but the need for straight men to start eating pussy may be more pressing now than it’s ever been. Guys! Nearly 20% of Gen Z identifies as LGBT, compared to less than 2% of Baby Boomers, and nearly two-thirds of LGBT-identified Gen Zers are bisexual women… which means more and more women than ever actually do have a choice between men and women. And if you’re not going to make your girlfriend’s pleasure a priority — if you’re not going to make sure she gets off too — don’t be surprised when she leaves you for a woman who will. John had some questions the single dad who wanted to start an OnlyFans to make some extra money but was afraid of being outed… I’m always baffled when I come across this worry that people you know will somehow find the porn you make, the NSFW posts you make on Reddit, your sexy Instagram or OnlyFans page, etc. Are these people not using pseudonyms? Are they stupidly promoting their professional accounts with their personal accounts? Are their lives filled with people who routinely Google them or image-search their faces? Like, what is going on in your social circles that anyone is snooping this stuff out? Do you need less-creepy friends who aren’t devoting hours a week to running down the possibility you might have nudes out there? Seeing as this sort of thing happens all the fucking time — teachers losing their jobs, fast-food workers losing their jobs, judges losing their jobs — worrying that some asshole might “find the porn you make” (or find your NSFW Reddit posts or find your thirst traps on Instagram) and destroy your life a perfectly legitimate concern. It’s definitely something a person thinking about starting an OnlyFans account needs to take into consideration before they hit post. A quick reality check for that same caller, from Rose Princess Cat… This is for the caller thinking of making an OnlyFans! There is a reason it’s called “sex work”: it’s work! I have been an in-person SW for 5 years and with my already existing fan base & 100s of shoots already in the archive, I’m making about $800 month on OF — and that’s before expenses & taxes. Take home is probably half that. And that puts me in the top 12% of creators! This is not to tell this person not to do it, but just to put a reality check on the ease. It’s not as easy as “snap dick pic, profit.” I gave a quick how-to on ruined orgasms — for penis havers — in my last Quickies column. Says Saubi Ko: A ruined orgasm how-to? Give yourself Prozac or Zoloft. That will do it. You don’t even need a partner. Sad but true. Zach Zimmerman was like, “ALAB! All landlords are bastards,” including the landlord a Lovecast caller was thinking about fucking, and I was like, “Hey, now. #NotAllLandlords,” and @Cliffhuckers is like… @fakedansavage continuing with his cringe centrism, this week defending landlords because one was nice to him one time. Stick to boot licking in consensual scenes, not situations where one party has power over your access to housing. #savagelovecast — Deuteronomy 15 NIV (@Cliffhuckers) April 20, 2023 Zach’s new book is out now, it’s excellent, and you should order a copy now! A masochistic sub finally met a guy who likes hurting him — after dating a string of guys he had to talk into hurting him — and he was “completely freaking out.” (Question #19 in my last Quickies column.) Ted the Bellhop says… I wonder if this sub is getting aftercare and that’s where the insecurity is coming from? Or… maybe being with someone (finally) who is genuinely sadistic is unnerving the LW because a true sadist can take a masochist deeper into sub space. Up to now, the men the LW dated gave him precisely what he asked for. Now he’s with someone who may want more — but isn’t demanding more from the LW (the new guy respects his limits), but may be inspiring the LW to dig deeper and give him more. Josh thinks I was too hard on the caller who objected to her wife going though the Catholic motions… Dan, I have been a devotee since the 90s, and it is a rare day indeed when I disagree with your advice. Nonetheless, I think you have at least one blinder on when it comes to the lesbian couple with the one Catholic partner. Taking communion or saying the last rites in order to support Catholic family members is a meaningful gesture and I support you in that. But paying money into the church itself?!?!? WTF!!! She is literally funding a terrorist organization. In that one respect, I preferred the Dan that sat on his hands in Mass and stood firm, and I think you were patronizing towards the other partner needing to “grow up.” The atheist partner does need to lighten up a bit, but the Catholic partner needs to be more forceful towards such a monumentally monstrous entity, instead of supporting it with her “conflict avoidance.” Josh is right: I was way too hard on that caller. For the most part, that caller’s wife practices Catholicism the same way I do — to support her Catholic family members and to affirm her own cultural identity as a Catholic — and I think that may have led to me to react defensively and emotionally. Being asked to tolerate the occasional mass is one thing. Being asked to actively subsidize the Catholic Church — in many European countries people are required to pay “church taxes” and opting out of church taxes is an ordeal — is another thing altogether. Since the caller and her wife are married, it’s not just the wife’s money that’s going to the Church, but the caller’s money as well. The caller shouldn’t object to the occasional mass, but she has every right to object to being forced to pay church taxes herself. At least one listener liked my advice for the woman with the Catholic wife. Says Terry (not that Terry)… Your advice to the person who was mad at her wife about practicing some Catholic rituals was mind-blowing! I was dumbstruck by the thoughtfulness of your answer and your advice. I am a huge fan of your show, though just an average senior citizen listener with an interest in good podcasts. Your top of the show opinions are always a favorite, as well. Do you listen to Pivot? I think you’d like Scott Galloway and Kara Swisher — they are irreverent like you. This tweet didn’t come in response to something in the column or on the podcast… but this issue has come up again and again over the years, and I wanted to signal boost Josh’s (different Josh) succinct and emphatic statement: you’re not a bigot for exclusively having sex with people you find attractive. you are, however, a complete asshole if you belittle, insult, or dehumanize people you don’t find attractive — joshstrap (@joshstrap13) April 10, 2023 Not every letter can be a fan letter… I honestly think you are one of the worst people to ever conceived on this planet. And I think the fact you stand by anti-bullying while being a bully makes you a hypocrite. And what’s hilarious is you claim to be against bigotry while being a bigot. And if you are so militant in your beliefs I have an open challenge for you. What do you say me & you get in the ring and fight it out. All proceeds go to help disabled veterans. You saw that correctly, Dan. I’m challenging you to a fight. Let’s see how fast your gay pride will disappear. You have my information, contact me here if you have any questions. A few questions: Did I see that correctly? I mean, are you seriously challenging a nearly sixty-year-old gay musical theater queen with a torn rotator cuff to a fight? And are you seriously suggesting that my failure to take you up on your offer to beat me up somehow proves that you’re right about everything and I’m wrong about everything? Yeah, no. I was eleven years old when I realized that someone saying, “You, me, the playground, after school,” didn’t obligate me to show up on the playground after school. So, I’m going to pass on your challenge and propose a different challenge: a Broadway trivia contest, with all proceeds can still go to help disabled veterans. Howzaboutit? Okay, that’s it for this week’s Struggle Session!