What Eats You

...ll want to get me off orally. I get a lot of, “You just haven’t had it done right,” or, “Wait until I do it for you,” and then they get mad when (surprise!) I don’t like this thing I don’t like. I tried dating a couple of men who “don’t eat pussy,” but those men didn’t seem to care at all about getting a woman off. And while I’m queer, it feels like cunnilingus is even more important when you’re hooking up with other women/AFABs. Honestly, I feel like faking it with new partners and enjoying my actual orgasms alone would be easier than opening about this to new people. Being treated like a freak has turned sex, which is supposed to be fun, into something that makes me feel bad about myself. Any advice would be appreciated. At the very least, Dan, maybe you could make a public service announcement telling people that being GGG for a cis woman doesn’t just mean eating her pussy, it means showing a genuine interest in who she is as an individual sexual being. Wish I Liked Licks Let’s get that PSA out of the way: Not everyone likes receiving oral! There are cis men who don’t like having their cocks sucked! There are cis women who don’t like having their pussies eaten! There are trans men who don’t like having their pussies eaten or their neophalluses sucked and trans women who don’t like having their cocks sucked or their neovaginas eaten and enbies who don’t like having their genitals — whatever form they take — licked or sucked! People are allowed to dislike things! Even things you’re good at! Even things most people like! Being GGG means listening to people when they tell you what they like! And doing those things! If they’re things you like too! It’s not hard! I hope that helps, WILL, but since PSAs never reach 100% of their target demo, you’ll still have to tell new partners  you dislike receiving oral sex. Which means, if you don’t wanna spend the rest of your life faking orgasms before sneaking away to get yourself off (which sounds worse than having to explain that receiving oral isn’t what you want), you’re gonna have to use your words. Pro-tip: don’t string weak-ass words together into mealymouthed statements like, “Sometimes I get close from oral but I’ve never gotten off from oral and there are other things we could do if that’s okay?” The kind of guys you wanna fuck — who are, ironically enough, the kind of guys who do wanna eat pussy — are highly likely to interpret a statement like that as a cry for help. Many of them may have been with women in the past who were uncomfortable with their own genitals and/or had never been with a guy who loved eating pussy, WILL, and thanks to their persistence — in offering oral over and over again — dozens or hundreds of other women overcame their hangups and discovered that they loved being on the receiving end of oral sex. That is how it sometimes goes down. But that’s not how it’s gonna go down for you. You don’t have issues with how your pussy looks, smells, or tastes and you’ve been with plenty of men who loved eating pussy. You’ve given it a try… again and again and again… and it’s not for you. So, when you’re with a new sex partner, WILL, you need to hammer that point home with a clear and emphatic statement like this: “You’re one of the good guys — I hate straight guys who don’t go down on women — but plenty of people who were really good at eating pussy have gone down on me and it does nothing for me. Not only doesn’t it turn me on, it turns me the fuck off. And that’s not what either of us is here for. So, about those fingers of yours…” Zooming out for a second, WILL, you say you’re frustrated by modern men who seem to believe eating pussy is synonymous with meeting a woman’s needs — and you’re proof that isn’t true for all women — but you’ve found that retrograde men who loudly refuse to eat pussy are worse, as those men don’t care about getting a woman off. I have some good news for you, WILL: your choices aren’t limited to guys who won’t shut up about how much they love eating pussy and guys who won’t shut up about how much they hate it. Because mixed into the pile of modern men who seem obsessed with eating pussy, WILL, you will find a small number of modern men who are only pretending to be obsessed. And in that pile of queer women (and AFABs) you might wanna fuck or date, WILL, you will find a small number of women (and AFABs) who enjoy everything about sapphic sex except the eating pussy part. The kind of partner you want is someone who goes through the motions of pushing back when you say you don’t want to receive oral sex (“Wait until I do it for you!”) but who doesn’t push back for long. In other words, WILL, you want someone who’s relieved to learn they don’t have to eat your pussy but whose relief isn’t obvious. If you can own that — if you can admit to wanting a partner who either wants to eat your pussy but doesn’t insist on it or someone who does a very good impression of someone who wants to eat your pussy — you’ll have an easier time tolerating the pushback you’re inevitably going to receive when you share this fact about yourself. Because that pushback is good sign, WILL, a sign that this person is worth the time and effort required to convince them that, no, you really and truly don’t want to receive oral sex. My partner and I have been dating for almost a year, and everything’s been amazing—this is the best relationship I’ve had in a long time. We have a Dom/Sub dynamic, and he really wants me to get into anal play, something I’m new to. Early in our relationship, we tried, but I was on a medication that made me nauseous, so it was unpleasant. I’m no longer on that medication. He hasn’t pushed the subject since, until the other day when he tried to insert a plug without much warning. I told him I need more comfort and preparation before we dive into that kind of play, especially since I’m a novice at anal. I also confessed I’ve been dealing with some GI issues. He made it clear that he eventually wants to fuck my ass with his giant cock, and he seems to think I’m just making excuses, and not trying hard enough. Which to be fair, I haven’t done much solo exploration with plugs. And while he hasn’t been forceful, he mentioned that not progressing with anal could be a dealbreaker for him. Is that fair? Can anal really be a dealbreaker? How do I navigate this without compromising my comfort while still being a good partner? Advice Negotiating Anal Leeway Anal can be a dealbreaker — anything can be a dealbreaker — and Liz Lemon never said dealbreakers had to fair. But dealbreakers cut both ways. Meaning, your partner is free to say, “I’m gonna break up with you if I can’t fuck your ass with my giant dick,” ANAL, but you’re free to say to him, “If you pressure me to do things that don’t feel good — and trying to shove a plug in my ass without warning did not feel good — I’m gonna dump your ass before we can figure out whether your dick feels good in mine.” As prices of admission go, ANAL, having butt sex that doesn’t feel good is too steep a price to pay. Going without anal sex, on the other hand, is a price many have paid to be with someone they loved. If your “amazing” new partner with the giant dick isn’t even willing to contemplate the possibility of going without anal for you — if he can’t entertain paying that price of admission — he doesn’t deserve your ass. P.S. To make someone feel excited about exploring anal sex — to get them to open up — you have to make them feel physically and emotionally safe. Shoving a toy into someone’s ass without warning is great way to make them feel physically unsafe; threatening to break up with someone if they can’t take your giant dick up their ass is a great way to make them feel emotionally unsafe. If your boyfriend can’t see that he’s doing this all wrong, ANAL, it’s not just your ass he can’t be trusted with. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love