STRUGGLE SESSION: Big HUMP! News, Snipped Dicks, First Loves, and More!

...r ethos to HUMP! (thoughtful and ethical) while we wait for HUMP! 2024? Also while I have you just wanted to shout THANK YOU. I started listening to your podcast several years ago as a married, fairly vanilla, 30-something mom and now… okay, I’m still all those things… except my husbands and I are exploring D/s and finally having the sex I’ve wanted my whole life. The Lovecast has been the slowly warming water in the pot around this frog. So, one more time, twice as loud: THANK YOU!!! Not only is the wait for HUMP! 2024 almost over, but you’re going to get twice as much HUMP! in 2024! We got so many amazing submissions this year that we decided to do something we’ve been talking about for a while: TWO HUMP! FILM FESTIVALS. HUMP! 2024 Part One premieres on February 8 at On the Boards in Seattle before touring the world. HUMP! 2024 Part Two opens in Seattle this fall and tours the world. To check out both lineups — all the HUMP! 2024 films — and order your tickets for HUMP! 2024 Part One, go to HumpFilmFest.com! This came in via email from GJ… Re: the new Lovecast yesterday (Episode 897). I’m sure I’m not the first but just in case: The call from the bigot regarding AMAB women in AFAB spaces was clearly referencing the Olympus Spa issue, which falls into the space between your answers. Olympus isn’t a sex space — so, not an orgy. But it’s also not a book club or coffee shop. It’s a place where women are totally nude in a non-sexual environment, and the spa banned, essentially, male genitalia. (Trans women who’ve had bottom surgery are welcome.) So, while trans women are women, and should be allowed to access women-only spaces unreservedly, this particular case contains additional nuance, which the caller hid behind bigoted and bullshit “we’re not safe when there are penises” rhetoric. This problem could be solved if no one got naked anywhere ever. And while I really don’t wanna get dragged into a contentious conversation about edge cases… edge cases do exist and edge cases have a way of complicating blanket statements like “trans women should be allowed to access women-only spaces unreservedly.” If people who support trans rights refuse to discuss edge cases (or even acknowledge their existence), these edge cases don’t magically disappear; they wind up being seized on and exploited by people who oppose trans rights. Basically, if supporters of trans rights refuse to talk about edge cases — with nuance — bad actors like Matt Walsh and sad actors like Dave Chappelle will not only dominate and distort the conversation, they’ll shape public opinion. In regards to your email, GJ, in one breath you say trans women should be “allowed to access women-only spaces unreservedly” and in the next you say the Olympus Spa case calls for a nuanced approach. “Unreservedly” doesn’t square easily with an allowance for “nuance” or a case-by-case approach. If access is to women’s spaces is to be granted to all women — trans women included — unreservedly, no nuanced understanding of any particular case would ever be necessary. Anyway… For the record: I don’t think trans men or trans women should be barred from club nights, speed-dating events, commercial spas, open-to-the-public sex venues, etc., that align with their gender identities. As I mentioned in a recent TMI Edition of Struggle Session, the last time I was at a men’s fetish play party (at a club in Berlin), there were gay trans men there and it wasn’t a problem for me or anyone else. No one is required to fuck or play with anyone they’re not attracted to at a fetish event or orgy, of course, and we should be kind when we reject someone because rejection sucks and we should all remember that refusing to take “no” for an answer when we’ve been rejected is as unkind as it is ineffective. Says Dick via email… I don’t think that the advice you gave a listener who was concerned about her inability to detect bullshit — in essence that she ask a friend to detect bullshit for her — was very practical. For one thing, I think you have to be there to know that a bullshitter is laying it on thick. I suggest that she read the classic treatise on the topic On Bullshit, by the Princeton University philosopher Harry Frankfurt. It may not help her overcome her excessive credulity, but it should help her recognize bullshit when it comes her way and understand what it’s all about. I loved On Bullshit and have it on my shelf — your comment inspired me to pull it down and reread it! Says Dan via email… The caller who went on about losing something after his vasectomy… I had mine done when I was 24. I knew that one in ten men experience complications, and I ended up being one of them. I have a vivid memory of landing in an emergency room with balls the size of grapefruit. The triage nurse left the room laughing. (She apologized for her reaction.) Everything did heal but it took some time. And I regret nothing. In fact, when my vasectomy was over, I felt there was nothing to mourn. I had gained freedom! I talked about this a bit in my first book Planned UnParenthood: Creating a Life Without Procreating. Says Naomi… For the guy with the well-considered long-planned vasectomy who now feels a little wistful: I’m a 50-year-old woman and have two grown kids, and had a hysterectomy for medical reasons a couple of years ago, and I STILL sometimes have this realization that I can’t get pregnant anymore and feel wistful over it. I’m pretty sure some wistfulness is normal. Says Vennominon… The vasectomy call in Episode 896 reminded me of two things, one being how assorted gender critical people get weirdly fixated on gay fertility. Their biggest gay-related rallying cry is, “They’re sterilizing gay kids!”, as if that ranked high (or at all) on our list of concerns. Sigh. Once more unto the breach… Transitioning is a very serious decision; none of my trans friends took the decision lightly. And the younger a person is when they transition, the higher their risks of infertility and anorgasmia. Personally, I don’t think the ability to have kids (not everyone wants ’em) and the ability to have orgasms (almost everyone wants ’em) should outrank other concerns… like survival… but I think they belong on the list and pretty close to the top. Fertility and sexual response are things a trans kid and their parents and their doctors need to seriously consider when discussing treatment options. I don’t think state legislators in Ohio or Texas or Florida belong in these conversations — neither does Chris Christie — but the ability to have orgasms and/or kids are legitimate concerns, Venn, not GC fearmongering. There are trans kid who benefit from transitioning in childhood — absolutely — but there are trade-offs and some may be consequential. Parents and doctors need to communicate the risks as well as the rewards to the trans child — as best they can (how do you explain what an orgasm feels like to a kid?) — before medical transition. Says Naomi via email… Re: Episode 896 and prediabetes: Thank you for all the incredible work you do. Huge fan. As an epidemiologist who has seen absurd numbers of women diagnosed with “prediabetes” recently, I couldn’t help but write in. This is not about the advice you gave the caller, per se, as the situation was messed up and I agree with your assessment. However, I think it’s important for the caller and the rest of your listeners to know that the caller’s dietary changes are not necessary and that “prediabetes” is pretty controversial in the medical world. Here is a great article about it. The basic gist is, pre-diabetes is not a clinically meaningful diagnosis. Say Jo… I had trouble deciding if ODORS was asexual and happy in a relationship where she had a justification to avoid sex. Or if she did want to be happily sexual and was just afraid to handle conflict like asking BF to bathe, and thus also afraid to break up. I would ask her if she’s very interested in sex at all. If she is, she needs to figure out how to ask the guy to bathe and do basic things that she finds attractive nicely, help him clean, or break up and find another guy who is more effortlessly attractive. But she might find herself in this situation because she wants an asexual romance, in which case she should feel free to explore asexuality. Even if it doesn’t work out with him, she could seek a better asexual mate. I read that in the paid version of OKCupid, you can filter for other asexuals. I didn’t get asexual vibes from ODORS. She lost all desire “for him,” she wrote, because he smelled bad. She didn’t say she lost desire, period, or was happy to be with someone she couldn’t fuck. She asked if she could make this relationship work — and while ODORS didn’t state it explicitly, it was clear that “making it work” meant making the sex work. If she’s interested in the guy, she can and should tell him to bathe and brush his teeth as a condition of seeing her again. But under no circumstances should she “help him clean” at this stage of their relationship. He’s a grown-ass man! If he’s interested in attracting a mate, he can wipe his own ass and straighten up his own apartment. I don’t think this is about ODORS finding a partner who is “more effortlessly attractive,” but rather finding one who hasn’t made himself utterly repulsive. Michael had some thoughts for ODORS… If you’ve only been dating since August (five entire months, assuming you started dating at the start of the month) and you “lost [your] desire for him early on,” then good God, end that relationship. If a couple has been through a lot together and has really intertwined their lives, then sure, finding a way forward after waning sexual desire can be worth it. But at less than half a year? Go find someone you actually want to sleep with, and let him find someone who actually wants to sleep with him I urged NEW — a woman who was completely inexperienced at 28 and wanted her first sexual experience(s) to be with someone who cared about her — to tell guys she was inexperienced and wanted to go slow. The wrong guys would run away, the right guy(s) would stick around. Says  Ted… I think Dan may be underestimating the pressure that this places on potential mates. Here’s what I would be hearing: “Hey! I’ve held out on sex for an inordinate amount of time and as a result, I need my first time to be magical. It’s your job to make sure this relationship and our first sexual encounter lives up to the ideal that I have created for myself!” Also, expanding on something BDF said, what happens if they date for three months and have sex. Then a month later the other person realizes that it’s not working. How much longer do they have to stay in the relationship to maintain the specialness of their sex? If NEW said to some guy (as I advised her to), “I’ve never been with anyone sexually, so we’re going to have to take it slow,” and that guy heard, “It’s your job to make sure my first sexual encounter lives up to my idealistic and unrealistic expectations and you can never leave,” well, that guy wouldn’t be the right guy for NEW to have her first sexual experience(s) with. And I think you’re being a little unfair to NEW, Ted: she didn’t say she required covenant commitment and lifelong bond. She said she wanted to be, “in a relationship and [to have[ formed an emotional connection with someone” before having sex. That may be a little more than most people ask of new sex partners these days, but it’s not an unrealistic or irrational ask Says Howlbear… To NEW, I don’t think their lack of experience is the problem, but I do think their unwillingness to TRY new experiences might be a hurdle in dating. Casual sex doesn’t have to mean just having sex with anyone. Casual sex can mean having sex with people you choose without needing to be in a defined, capital-R relationship. NEW should enjoy themselves and learn what they like, if they like anything at all, because sexual compatibility is important in a long-term relationship, and they have no idea what kind of person they’d be sexually compatible with. The last thing they’re going to want is to get into a relationship with someone that has long-term potential then later discover that they’re compatible in every single way except sexually. Listen to Howlbear, NEW: If you’re with someone and you establish a relationship and/or enough of a connection that you want to have sex with them and the sex doesn’t work — if they’re objectively lousy at it 0r you two just don’t click — you’re going to need to end that relationship and start your search all over again. Also: while you might not want to seek out casual sex partners, you shouldn’t rule out a one-time encounter or a one-two-three-time encounter. You could meet someone you really click with and feel good about but ultimately can’t be with — because they’re only in town for a week or they’re leaving for Mars or they’re married to someone they can’t leave for all the right reasons — and you could have amazing, loving, kind and connected sex with that person. Says Love Hurts… To the German lesbian wondering if she should have an affair with the younger woman who expressed interest in her: GO FOR IT! When I was a bi-woman in my early twenties studying in Germany, I participated in an international project. We were a German-American-Romanian group and we had the best time traveling, studying, and partying together. On the first day, I fell hard for one of the American boys. I couldn’t believe it. Love at first sight for both of us! We had some wonderful weeks together. We did the long distance thing for some months, but it didn’t work out as a longterm relationship. But I’ll always remember him as my first love. I think Love Hurt’s advice for the German Lesbian applies to you too, NEW. Don’t rule someone out just because it might not work out over the longterm. You can have a great first experience — one you don’t regret — with someone who loves you but can’t be with you. Fesshole, one of my favorite accounts on Twitter and Blue Sky, recently posted this anonymous confession… Back in the day, my then GF used to think I had an insatiable sex appetite as when walking to the pub, we would divert to the woods and have a quickie and then go to the pub. Truth is after a few pints I couldn’t perform at all, hence was getting it in early. Savage Lovecast listener Mark responded with this: “As @dansavage.bsky.social would say ‘fuck first.'” It’s good advice — and if there’s someone in your life who needs reminding, get them a “Fuck First” mug! They make a wonderful Feast of the Ass gift! In other comments: Some great advice from Mathis and Lea the woman who used to enjoy anal with her ex (pencil dick) but can’t get there with her current (beer can cock) and some more great advice from Mathis and Lee for the man who gets winded during sex. BiDanFan is probably right about that former twink’s former church. Zoftig had a practical suggestion for the woman who didn’t like the panties her mom got her for Christmas (in 2008). Truthlemonade had some encouraging words for NEW and inspired other commenters to weigh in on what’s harder for an inexperienced person: getting fucked or giving head. And some good advice for the caller with the autistic husband from John H. And finally… our Muppet-Faced Man of the Week: Owen Lindberg. (Thanks to Sarah for the nom!)