Game On

...17;m concentrating on not burning dinner or getting dressed and out the door because we’re meeting friends somewhere or have a reservation. But it just keeps happening. Even worse, we’ve been busy lately and talked about making time for sex, so I’ve been trying to initiate more. But when I initiate at a good time, he turns me down. Meanwhile, he continues to initiate at the worst times. So, now I’m angry that he can’t seem to have a productive conversation about what he wants and that I always have to start the hard conversations. I have two questions for you: How can I get him to have a real conversation with me about what turns him on? If I’m right about the rebuffs feeling like a game to him, I want to figure out ways to turn this into an actual game that feels sexy for me too. If that doesn’t work… How do I get him to stop? Jokey Unaware Man’s Actions Not Juicy Ideal P.S. When I’m not being annoyed by the above, I find him incredibly sexy, the sex we have is great and sometimes amazing, and we have a lovely and fun life together. 1. Does it have to be a conversation? You seem to have a pretty good handle on what your husband is doing, JUMANJI, so maybe instead of initiating an open-ended conversation in the hope your husband has an epiphany and knocks this shit off, you could just tell him what he’s doing and ask him to knock it off. If he disagrees — if he doesn’t think he’s initiating sex at the worst possible times because overcoming your resistance turns him on and/or affirms his irresistibility and/or seems like a fun game — then you can challenge him to come up with a better explanation. If he can’t, he’ll have to accept yours. That said, JUMANJI, there’s a bigger issue here than your husband’s legitimately annoying habit of initiating sex when you’re busy with other things and/or his inability to admit to what he’s doing and why. Your husband sounds like one of those people who wants sex to feel spontaneous — a wild, uncontrollable force that overtakes you both — while you sound like one of those people who wants sex to feel controlled and contained. (I imagine sex wouldn’t be inconvenient at those times when you initiate, which is why he passes.) Finding a workable compromise that allows for sex to be (or feel) spontaneous for him without sex being a hugely inconvenient pain in the ass for you will require both of you to give a little. Basically, JUMANJI, I don’t think an epiphany on his part is going to resolve this conflict, but rather a pay-the-price-of-admission compromise on both your parts. He’s gonna need to demonstrate — he’s really gonna need to telegraph — more consideration for your feelings about the when of sex, and you’re gonna need to demonstrate a willingness to be (or pretend to be) spontaneous in controlled bursts. 2. Do you want him to stop? You say the sex you have with your husband — when you have it — runs from great to amazing, which isn’t something all married couples can say. Seeing as your husband shoots you down when you initiate (something he needs to work on), JUMANJI, all this great-to-amazing sex is happening when you’re trying to get dinner on the table or out the door. If he can learn to take no for an answer when the answer is a firm no — if he can learn not to push when there’s something on the stove that really can’t wait — maybe the answer can be yes when the meal you’re preparing or the friends you’re meeting can wait. P.S. Your husband isn’t the only one who can play games. You can lie to your husband about having dinner reservations for 7 PM when they’re actually for 8 PM and let him think he’s getting away with something when he initiates sex at 6:45 PM. P.P.S. If you really wanna make it a puzzle and keep him out of the kitchen, JUMANJI, get your husband a cock cage with a combination lock and hide clues to the combination in other parts of the house. If he can solve the puzzle and free his cock before dinner, you will turn down the heat and have a quickie on the kitchen counter. But he’s not allowed in the kitchen — he not even allowed to talk to you — until his cock is free or his dinner is served, whichever comes first. Yo, Danny! My girlfriend is very sweet and super affectionate in private, but it totally disappears in public. She doesn’t just avoid PDA in the sense of “no tongue kissing” and “no groping”. She adopts this ice-cold persona when we go anywhere. She barely smiles at me and rejects any public display of affection greater than holding hands. It kind of makes me anxious when we go from very cuddly and touchy at home to her literally jumping away if I try to give her a peck on the cheek in public. Is she being unreasonable, or am I just an anxious little bitch? Publicly Displayed Aversion It’s possible your girlfriend is unreasonable, PDA, and you’re an anxious little bitch — it doesn’t have to be one or the other. But unreasonable or not, your girlfriend doesn’t like public displays of affection. If it hurts your feelings when she pulls away when you try to kiss her in public, stop trying to kiss her in public. That fact that she’s willing to hold your hand is proof she doesn’t loathe you the way Melania loathes Donald. But if you try to stick your tongue in her mouth every time she smiles at you in public — if you keep doing shit to your girlfriend that she hates (kissing her, grabbing more than her hand) — she’s not only gonna keep glaring, PDA, she’s gonna come to hate you every bit as much as Melania hates Donald. P.S. If your girlfriend doesn’t enjoy being kissed in public and you know it, PDA, you’re not kissing her in public to please her, you’re kissing her in public to demonstrate something to other people —namely, that she’s yours. So, you’re not kissing her in public, PDA, you’re claiming her. And that’s a shit reason to kiss someone in public — unless, of course, the person you’re kiss-claiming in public enjoys feeling “claimed,” which your girlfriend clearly does not. Knock it the fuck off. P.P.S. Only my mom called me Danny. I already gave you a little grief in my response, PDA, and I didn’t write this post-post-script to give you more. I actually wrote it to thank you. Your letter made me think of my mom just now, and I appreciated it. An odd situation: I’m a 41-year-old cisgender man who can only perform sexually if a certain song is playing. As bizarre as it sounds, no matter how attracted I may be to a new partner, I literally cannot maintain an erection unless I’m listening to this one specific song (ideally on repeat) for the duration of the act. Obviously, this has made for some awkward moments and conversations with casual partners when I try to explain. It is ruining my love life. It’s such an unusual issue to have that even my therapist hasn’t encountered it. It’s not a song I particularly like, but it was a song my late wife loved and listened to all the time and even chose for our first dance at our wedding. My wife died six years ago, and I’m obviously unable to let go. I’ve tried ED pills, but they don’t help because the root cause is psychological, not physical. Have you ever heard of anything like this? I made the mistake of posting this on Reddit a few weeks ago, and while some people responded with kindness and constructive suggestions like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), others mocked me or thought I was joking. I’m not joking. Any insight would be appreciated. Totally Unfathomable Need Endangering Situationships P.S. I’m not including the name of the song because it’s irrelevant in a way. Just know it’s a mellow pop song from a while back. I haven’t heard of this, TUNES, but when I was in my twenties — gonna take a long-ass stroll down memory lane here — I hooked up a dozen or more times with a guy who wanted to be spanked while he listened to Doris Day’s Greatest Hits. He never offered an in-depth explanation, TUNES, and I didn’t need one. I had long been an unapologetic and unironic fan of Doris Day… and I was a brand new fan of this boy’s ass… so, I was more than happy to spank him while we listened to Doris Day. But if he’d told me Doris Day was his dead boyfriend’s favorite artist… or that he was forced to listen to Doris Day while he was abused by nuns or something… I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed spanking him during “Que Sera, Sera” as much as I did. (For the record: I probably would’ve spanked him anyway, I just wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much.) Anyway, TUNES, if you can’t do anything about this — if your therapist can’t help and CBT doesn’t make a difference — you should present your need for this pop song the same way that boy presented his need for Doris Day’s Greatest Hits: an inexplicable and harmless (but possibly annoying) quirk. On the theory that it’s better to gently confuse a sex partner (gotta hear this song) than it is to disappoint one (can’t get this hard) — and on the theory that casual sex partners don’t need or want to know everything — I think you can justify omitting this song’s association with your late wife. (I am sorry for your loss.) Because no one that you’re casually fucking wants to lay there thinking about your dead wife, TUNES, any more than they wanna lay there thinking about you thinking about your dead wife. If you wind up getting serious about someone, TUNES, you might have to come clean — or you might not. My husband and I have a song that’s “ours,” but I couldn’t tell you what song was important to him and his long-gone ex. But while things are casual, TUNES, you could (and should) try to wean yourself from this song by listening to it at progressively lower volumes when you’re having sex and/or jerking off. Who knows? You might reach a point where you can hear the song in your head without it having to be played. And if playing this song on repeat annoys a new sex partner — and I can’t see how it wouldn’t — maybe they would agree to you wearing AirPods and playing the song just loudly enough for you to hear but not so loudly you can’t hear their moans and/or requests. Got problems? Yes, you do! 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