Dear Readers: I’m off for Thanksgiving. I was to tempted to re-run this column again — which has the single best Thanksgiving-related question that has ever appeared in an advice column — but I re-ran that column last year. So, instead I’m re-upping a column that appeared just before Thanksgiving in 2016. — Dan
I’m a very sex-positive girl and I finally convinced my boyfriend to open up about his fetishes. I could tell he was ashamed and torn about sharing them with me, but I’ve been with my fair share of guys and surfed the net for years, and I was convinced nothing could shock me. Well, it turns out he’s into soft vore. I’m not gonna lie, I was a bit put off at first, but of course I didn’t tell him. I started looking for information about his fetish, and it’s not as uncommon as I thought. I stumbled upon many websites for like-minded people, and my understanding of it is that vores really long for intimacy and protection. Is my interpretation correct? Also, after learning about it, I realized it’s less extreme than some of the stuff we usually engage in, like heavy BDSM, so I want him to feel fulfilled. Is there any way I can help him “act out” his fetish? He would like to be the eatee.
Fully Understanding Lover’s Longings
“Vore,” for readers who aren’t familiar with the term, refers to a range of kinks that involve the threat or reality of being eaten alive and/or eating another creature alive. Vore comes in “soft” and “hard” varieties, like other kinks, with soft vore involving fantasies of being swallowed whole and hard vore involving fantasies about the (imaginary!) ripping of flesh and the (simulated!) crunching of bones and shedding of blood.
Fantasies about creatures large enough to swallow a human whole and/or devour one in chunks are important to this kink, as a quick image search for “vore fetish” on Google proves. But since most vore fantasies involve creatures that qualify as fantastical beasts, i.e., large animals (kinkmegafauna) interested in swallowing humans whole, vore fetishists are limited to role play, although some have built their own creatures or sought employment at the Jim Henson Company and repurposed larger Muppets off the clock.
Before you can determine which way to go — assuming your boyfriend wants to “act out” his fantasies in the first place — you’ll need details, FULL. Is your boyfriend into the intimacy and protection aspects of vore? Does he want to be gently “held” in the mouth and only threatened with being eaten or does he want to be swallowed whole and slowly dissolve in something’s guts? Does bondage, i.e., being a bound sacrifice, play a role in his fantasies? Learning more about what his fantasies look like — besides the whole being swallowed alive thing — is the first step.
Once you know exactly what turns him on, FULL, you can explore his kinks through role-play and dirty talk. Ramping things up slowly — baby steps — is always a good idea with varsity-level kinks, so try sexting each other and/or creating dirty vore stories over e-mail or text. If your boyfriend wants to get physical, you can start with mouthy things like biting, licking, sucking, etc., combined with dirty talk about digesty things like chewing, swallowing, stomachs, etc.
If things go well, you bring his fantasies to life — or as near to life as possible —using props and costumes. Try zipping him up in a sleeping bag to simulate being in a stomach — filling it with a gooey liquid will make it feel more like the inside of some fantastical beast’s stomach — but be careful not to smother him. (Accidentally smothering to death is bad. #TheMoreYouKnow) You could also visit a place with isolation/floatation tanks together and pretend you’re trapped in the stomach of something or someone awful.
Finally, FULL, I want to commend you for not freaking out when your boyfriend shared his kink. You listened, you did a little research, you gave it some thought, and you reached out to me. For that, I’m upgrading your GGG card to platinum.
Any advice for a first-time sex-toy buyer? I’m looking into vibrators, but I don’t want to spend a bunch of money on something that doesn’t do it for me.
Very Into Buying Electronics
“VIBE should go to a sex shop in person so she can physically pick up and turn on the models she’s considering buying,” said Erika Moen. “If possible, go to a shop that advertises itself with any of the following words: feminist, queer, LGBTQ+, sex-positive, woman-friendly, trans-friendly, or inclusive, as these places tend to be staffed by people who are passionate and genuinely invested in helping folks of all walks of life.”
Moen and her partner, Matthew Nolan, have been making the Oh Joy Sex Toy comic for three years, which combines reviews of sex toys with really awesome, hilarious, and inclusive sex ed. And Moen, who has personally tested hundreds of sex toys, wants you to rub one or two out before you go shopping.
“VIBE should pay attention to the kind of action that feels good or gets her off,” said Moen. “Does your clit like super-direct focus? The smaller the head of the vibrator, the more laser-like the precision. Do you like lots of overall, engulfing stimulation that covers a lot of ground? The larger the head, the more surface area it’ll cover, and the vibrations will be more generally distributed across the entire vulva, from outer labia to clit.”
For best results, Moen recommends buying two toys, VIBE, if you can swing the expense.
“Get a generic bullet vibe first,” said Moen. “They’re about $15 to $20 — it’s a model that has a control box you hold in one hand and a cord that connects to a simple vibrating egg shape that you hold in your masturbating hand. Try it out at home, and then based on how you did or did not enjoy it, purchase a more expensive, high-quality model ($60 to $120) based on the kind of vibrational stimulation you learned you want from that first cheaply made model. Personally, I recommend the Minna Limon and Vibratex’s Mystic Wand for smaller-sized, decently powered vibrators. And then the big guns that’ll blast you to the moon and back are the Doxy and Vibratex’s Magic Wand (formerly known as the Hitachi Magic Wand). Best of luck to you!”
Follow Moen on Instagram and Threads @FuckYeahErikaMoen.
A friend and I want to go to the inauguration in January with the intention of standing with our backs to the ceremony as a peaceful protest statement. A handful of people doing this won’t say much, but if hundreds/thousands of people did this, it could send a message to the world that the majority of us did not vote for him and are not supporting his hate. Do you feel this would be a worthwhile action to try to organize (along with giving money and time to organizations that support social justice), and if so, would you give voice to this idea to your readers/listeners?
Peaceful Protester
I’m torn.
On the one hand, we need to stand against Trump. Like his campaign, his nomination, and his election, his impending inauguration is an outrage. On the other hand, flying is expensive and lodging in DC isn’t cheap, PP, and our money could be better spent. Going to DC to turn your back on Trump as he’s being sworn in doesn’t preclude making a donation to the Chosen Family Law Center (chosenfamilylawcenter.org) or the National Center for Lesbian Rights (nclrights.org) or the International Refugee Assistance Project (refugeerights.org), of course, and symbolic acts of resistance — demonstrations, zaps, protests — often inspire people to engage in additional and more practical acts of resistance (donating money, monkey-wrenching discriminatory “registries,” urging local elected officials not to cooperate with anti-immigrant campaigns or sweeps).
But if heading to DC to protest on Inauguration Day feels right and necessary, you have my full support — so long as that’s not the last thing you do or the only thing you do. But me? I’m going to spend the day making donations, baking cakes, and sucking cocks.
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Subscribe Now GiftDear Readers: I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving — you deserve one — and I’ll be back at you next week with a brand new column. — Dan
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